Laments of Love

After shedding some emotionally unnecessary weight recently (not physically unnecessary weight unfortunately), I find my mind periodically drifting toward romance. It isn't a constant thought and that's part of the problem. I'm gonna be straight up with you and admit that the last time I was head-over-heels, stupid, walking into doors in love, was mid 2009. That might sound like a long time to some but before that, it'd been SEVERAL years, in the form of decades, that I felt that way, so 2009 ain't too bad. Though that love feeling is one of the most wonderful feelings in the entire universe, it is also a frighteningly petrifying place to be.  Here's the thing; I adore feeling wonderful but despise frighteningly petrifying places, so what's a girl to do? A big part of my conscious mind screams "FUCK Love!"  THEN a huge part of my subconscious heart moans "LOVE Love!"  [End of act one: The Love♥ Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde enters.]

I'm not sure what to do about my 'romance quandary' but since it's out of my immediate control anyway, I'll just let things unfold naturally without too much intrusion from me.  I'll just "let it go" so to speak. Delving too deeply into the interworkings of the human heart is just one more headache I just assume not take on at this time. I just don't need it. I touched on it a little in my last blog entry but I don't believe in holding on to things or people that don't give back, I don't care how significant they once were. Simply put, holding onto The Useless is holding onto unnecessary dead weight. Since I'm not committed to losing weight by conventional means, like diet and exercise, I'm glad to be able rid myself of The Useless by simply *choosing* to. So that's what I'll do with my concerns of romance.
　
Anyway, I don't really have time for that kind of love right now but I'm more than a little concerned that I'll never feel that way again. Worse still, that I'll never want to feel that way again because that's a definite possibility for a chick like me too. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those jaded, angry chicks that everyone avoids because of her stank attitude  (...and there many out there). In fact, I tend to let my awful experiences teach me something useful and positive. I learn from other peoples' awful experiences too, I'm also not one of those folks that 'have to experience [insert experience here] for myself'. Trust me, your fucked up experiences are just as useful to me as my own. The less craziness I have to literally experience for myself, the better. For example, I love the idea of marriage but I'm not sure it's for me. I think most married people are brave and complex, which are two attributes I have great respect for. Choosing to share your life with another? Vowing to honor each other always? Announcing to the world that you've found your other half? Dude, when you wrap your mind around those concepts, that's straight GANGSTA  and cool as hell...if you're cut out for it.

This entry really isn't about the laments of love or the mysteries of marriage, it's about the mysteries of me. I just don't understand myself sometimes.  However, I do know that when/ if someone ever falls head-over-heels, stupid, walking into doors in love with me and I feel the same about them, me not understanding myself will be the least of my concerns. Meanwhile, while NOT focused on my periodically infrequent thoughts of romance, I'll make good use of my time by focusing on myself, so that I can be better for those that truly love me now. Everyone else can take a long walk off of a short rooftop for all I care. And those that love me but aren't there for me the way I am for them, can do the exact same thing.  Despite what all the love songs and storybooks say, LOVE does NOT conquer all...unless you love yourself first.



Author's Footnote: By the way, that last sentence does NOT apply to sanctimoniously selfish people that put their desires above all, it applies to the rest of us. And I mean that from the gut. I just wanted to make that crystal clear.

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Creative Carnage

Author's note: I'm straight LIT as I post this. I'll come back and correct spelling/ grammatical errors when I'm in my right mind, so check back in a few days but for now...

I'm not sure whether I'm still being possessed by my internal "Queen of Mean" or if I'm just being brutally REAL right now. My patience has been through several weeks of hard labor. Yesterday was the pinnacle of absurdly irritating events that began very early in the morning and continued on through late last night. 'What the fuck is going on?!' I thought to myself. Are The Cosmos paying me back for some evil deed I perpetrated against some poor, undeserving innocent? Is Karma biting me back in my chunky chocolate azz because of the juicy chunk I took out of somebody else’s'? Am I being punished for one of my monthly rants as a Brutal Bitchzilla? I just don't know. Everyone has their breaking point and mine is on a sliding scale, depending on my mood. Needless to say my mood is a bit fragile right now. My fuse is short and my patience is on a long vacation. So it appears my self-proclaimed superpowers do not make me immune to such senseless irritations. Fortunately, since every superhero needs a uniform, that last part also means I'll never have to squeeze myself into that green spandex superhero uniform I envisioned for myself. Yikes! Yeah folks, not a good look. Not a good look at all.

I'm usually very sensitive to the way I express myself when there's the possibility of hurt feelings (mine or theirs). Unfortunately however, this is one of those times I'm not likely to take the diplomatic approach to delivering a direct message.  I'll bluntly tell you exactly what I think; good, bad, ugly or indifferent. Come to think of it, maybe that's why so many annoying things are happening to me now. Maybe I need to get my sensitive back. I don't know and frankly, I don't give a damn. Still, I really don't want to be specific about what the grassroot issues are (at this moment in time). + Exposing the culprits would be crass and tacky and my "crass and tacky" days are every other day. (Not today.) Anyway, sometimes I think it's better to leave emotionally complicated situations tucked away in a box somewhere outta the way until you're fully equipped to deal with them. I'm clearly NOT equipped right now. When you feel abandoned by friends, tested by family and disappointed by society, I believe it's okay to say to yourself; "You know what? I just don't give a fuck." and mean it. I guess I'm not 100% there yet but I'm close enough to smell its tart breath. Frankly, I'm at a place right now where I'm NOT going to make an effort to reach out to someone that doesn't return the favor. I'm NOT going to play 20 questions to pull out of someone what I did or didn't do to make them act peculiar.  Look, you go your way and I'll go mine because I don't have time for silly games. Next! (Can't you tell I've simply HAD IT with some folks?) Done! Peace! Moving on...

I think I need to find something to do that works some of the brain cells I haven't used in a while. I might even need to find another hobby besides just blogging.  Don't get me wrong, blogging has saved my life but it's not enough anymore. I need a few more healthy outlets since beating up people isn't legal. I used to draw and sew all the time and I was pretty good at it too. In fact, I used to make a new nightclub outfit every week in my early clubbing years. I even made hats and jewelry just for the hell of it. And I know you're hearing this from me but my stuff was super fly or at least as unique as I am. I was a well-adjusted, self-taught CreAtivE eXpressioNist. I was gleefully happy then and it really had nothing to do with anyone else (until it did, long story). I was just doing me and it felt great. As a milestone birthday fast approaches, I'm going to dedicate myself to being that way again, only older, wiser and better.  I see now I'm going to have to leave some things/people behind to gain greater happiness.  I'm okay with that. Stagnant negativity has no permanent place in my life but it's been one helluva stubborn as shit squatter. Well, I think I've effectively and (somewhat) positively changed direction with a few long keystrokes.  Time to dust off my drawing pencils, pad and sewing machine to make myself (creatively) happy again. Now whether making myself "creatively" happy involves stabbing somebody with my drawing pencils (9B Graphite), slapping them in the face with my drawing pad (11x14) or beating them over the head with my sewing machine (16 lbs), I can't say yet but I'm hoping to keep the law relatively uninvolved if I can. 

The Ex(cessive) Factor

Bitch-Fest 2011 continues. 😡 I guess I just don't know when to stop sometimes. In fact, I seem to do A LOT of things in excess at times; eat, drink, WORRY, love, hate, you-name-it. 😠 I don't know why it's so hard for me to practice a little restraint when I feel that unhealthy all or nothing attitude coming on. 😤 I can honestly state that being in-between houses, with no particular push to "hurry up and move" (we're keeping both properties in the family), I seem to have taken the doing nothing socially-enriching thing a bit too far too. 😵 In a way, I guess that's good. I'm home more now, doing more life-long, family-enriching things instead of worrying about only pleasing myself for the moment. 😶 Being someone that went out every single weekend for years, most times (at least) TWICE every single week, my weekly nightlife ritual has all but come to a screeching halt. ✋ I haven't gone out to a nightclub since New Years Eve🥳 and I have to admit, I don't miss it one single solitary bit. Not one itsy bitsy teeny weeny little bit. 🚫 Cold turkey🦃, no regrets. (Yes, I realize that was a chicken.) Well, I take half of that back because I really do miss some of my friends, just not the excessive nightclubbing part. Don't get me wrong, it was super duper fun then, now though, I want something fun and fruitful. 😃 Of course that Crazy Club Queen into Two Home-Having Homebody metamorphosis¹ is probably right on time because the money I used to spend going out, could probably pay for both mortgages with a little extra fun money left over. 🤑 Well okay, maybe just one mortgage and a little extra fun money left over. 💰After all, my last name isn't Trump°, Buffet°, Gates° or Diddy°. 💸 Really though, I think a good amount of social night time🎉, mixed with more family time❤, mixed with even more home time💓, would probably be the best balance for me...I just haven’t gotten the measurements quite right yet. 😳 While I work out the exact percentages, which will be challenging for me because I suck at math🎒, I'll continue to healthily work on myself from the inside out, which could probably never be done too excessively. 😭 Understand that I'm not taking this new stance lightly either, I'm just carefully weighing my options. 🙈🙉🙊 But if I don't get a handle on this self-imposed solitary confinement soon, I might turn into a boring, socially awkward agoraphobic² with bad teeth, too many cats and a strange body odor that can only be described as "unpleasantly unidentifiable".👾 And frankly, of that sad & stinky fate, my worst fear is the part about becoming boring. 😪 Even though I seem to poke fun at myself and joke around constantly, excessive overdoing really is a serious problem for me sometimes. I'm attempting to make light here because...well, that's what I do. 😄 My brand of "humor" 😂 (term used loosely here of course) keeps me in balance and helps me deal with the scarily serious parts of my nature, not to mention keeping me criminally nonviolent enough to walk freely among the general population. 😟 If you're not currently incarcerated, you should appreciate that last part. 😕 I act ignorant of the issues fueling my imbalance but I really do know what my real issues are. My "issues" are almost always the same things; I'm overwhelmed with all the things I HAVE to get done, I don't want to think about them, I want to do them even less but can't help OVERthinking and OVERdoing everything. 😫 Exhausting! 💤 Even relatively minor things, like changing out my toothbrush, seems as important as choosing a love interest♥ or even lacking the interest in choosing a love interest♥. I must confess, brushing my teeth is more fun than dealing with that draining love crap right now. 💔 I know, I know, once I get settled in and comfortable with a routine that doesn't make me a cat-collecting, stinky old shut-in or an uncomfortably-awkward, aging Crazy Club Queen, my groove will come back with an ease suggesting that it never even left, it was just temporarily hidden under the excessive worrying. 😧 I'll be lovable and able to freely love again soon too. 💞 You should know me well enough by now to know that. 😱 Deep down, I know everything will be fine, I just need to blog-away some overblown anxiety. 😬 So I guess this ends as it started, I seem to do A LOT of things in excess at times; eat, drink, WORRY, love, hate, you-name-it. 😣 The only thing I probably would never do in excess is exercise. I mean seriously, you have to draw the line somewhere. 𐩘 Who else is gonna single-handedly keep the elastic waistband garment industry in business if I don't? 😊 Unfortunately, I've got nothing to WORRY about there. Now, its time for a cookie and half of your sandwich. 🍪 🥪

　

¹ met.a.mor.pho.sis (noun): somebody or something that has gone through a complete or marked change. Someone or something transformed.

² ag.o.ra.pho.bic (noun) (adjective): <a person that suffers from> a condition characterized by an irrational fear of public or open places.

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°$ Trump (noun): <Donald> stinking rich American dude with a bunch of buildings and a really bad "hair don't". (more like "hair never".)

°$ Buf.fet (noun): <Warren> filthy rich American investor, industrialist and philanthropist. World's wealthiest person, 2008. Third wealthiest person, 2010. (oooo-weee, must be nice.)

 °$ Gates (noun): <Bill> insanely rich American business magnate, philanthropist, author and chairman of Microsoft. (I could learn to love a geek, hell, I AM a geek!)

°$ Did.dy (noun): <P> hella rich American, nonstop partying Hip Hop mogul... (c'mon y'all, do I really need to type out the rest of this?)

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