I'm probably gonna want to shoot myself after I post this (or at least consider deleting it) but nothing ventured, nothing gained. 😶 Wait, what?! 😧 Why did I just type that? 😨 Oh, never mind...I'm just rambling like usual. 😵 What a whirlwind few weeks it's been. I haven't felt like myself for a while now (still don't), so I haven't had the energy to blog my frustrations away. 🖳=💻 I've purposely stayed held-up in my head and heart to work through a constant barrage of frustrating issues being slung at me from all different directions. 🔃🔄 I've tried to keep my wits about me but there are those times when all logic and reason are blatantly ruled out by raw gut emotion. 😰 I've had more than a few raw gut emotional moments recently, and that's putting it mildly. I even lightly dabbled my big toe in the Love Pool♥ recently. ❤ No, I lie, I actually dove head first into the jagged rock-laden murky waters of the Love Ocean💦, only to have my big head split wide open. 😟 We'll not even discuss my heart. 💓 It's always a hard thing to put every emotional stake in 'the idea' of the perfect romantic relationship only discover that love does NOT conquer all...not even close. ⛔ This last time though, the romantic re-engagement of a past love put me the precarious position of being extremely, and suddenly, amorously insecure. ♥😀♥ I felt like an inexperienced 19 year old again. 😶 Aside from the fact that I'm almost light-years away from 19 today😬, it'd also seemed like light-years since I allowed myself to be THAT vulnerable. (I'm talking the whole kit and caboodle folks. 😝) So, with a painfully ambivalent, femininely masculine, erratically emotional personality like mine, when the slightest hint of difficulties began to surface, my first reaction was to split, pronto! 😤 I probably could've (and should've) given it a bit more time to re-develop but I just couldn't risk investing more time and emotion into something that could turn out to be an even more devastating loss later. 💔 Does that corny, earlier line "Nothing ventured, nothing gained" fit here? Yeah, I didn't think so either. 😒 Okay, simply put, I immaturely punked out. 😳 I guess even more than that, I wanted to save face, retain dignity and squash any perceived notion of personal weakness but the short version is: I immaturely, and possibly prematurely, punked out. 😱 And after all that, I ended up feeling hurt, heart-broken and humiliated anyway, so why did I waste all that energy? 😟 Oh yeah, I know; Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Right? ? No? ? Okay, I'll try that again later. 😁 I don't know, maybe I'm just too emotionally damaged to ever find a partner that truly gets me. Maybe I'm too scared to let my guard down long enough to let anyone get to know me on more than a superficial level. Maybe I'm too old to risk looking and feeling like a fool (again). Hell, maybe I just have lousy taste in partners. Who knows? I guess I was afraid to lose my power or even worse; GIVE it away. 💕 Relationship give-and-take is a delicate balance I have not yet mastered, not in the romance department anyway. 💖 Love is a game aptly titled Survival of the Fittest 😎. And clearly, I'm waaaay out of shape...(hey, no smart azz cracks 😶). I'm not much for exercising but I know when I must relent and put some time in to work on myself. 💋 Oh well, back to the drawing board. 💘 I'm sure a smart chick like me can figure it all out and if I do, I truly believe the reward will be tremendous! ♥💝 Just like that corny, old saying goes; Nothing ventured, nothing to bitch & moan about in your latest blog entry when your heart is broken in a million pieces and you want to curl up in the fetal position in the corner of your bedroom while you cry yourself silly and snot all over yourself so you can look as pathetic as you possibly can...😔...well, you get the picture. 😑 You know, after WRITING it, I don't feel much like DOING it anymore. 😠 I'm sure I'll shed a few more tears but after that, I'll just eat some more of Momma's delicious banana pudding, call it a night and be perfectly fine in the morning. 😋 If that doesn't work, I'll ask her to make chocolate pudding next. Yep, that'll probably do the trick. 👍
