Originally posted on August 26, 2008
This past weekend was very interesting
indeed. In one of the more uncharacteristically strange events this past
weekend, there appeared to be fascinatingly catty battle developing for Alpha
Female at my favorite nightspot. While I’m not personally participating in “the
battle” itself, I find myself uncomfortably at the center of it nonetheless.
There are so many interesting (and comical) stories I could share with
you here but since this is an open journal, I’m afraid I’ll embarrass some of
the battle participants. For now, I will just introduce the issue and write
about it in detail at a later date. I’m certain that in the coming weekend
outings, the events will be become even more bizarre and too juicy to
not write about. I will admit that while some might find this
particular attention ‘impossible’ to deal with, I find it (more than) marginally
amusing and immensely flattering…and that’s all I’m gonna reveal about that (for
now). There, I’ve written it. The other ‘happening’ was a little more
significant, on an emotional level. I happened to run into a past companion last
Sunday, while waiting for a call from some other friends. Though the
relationship between he & I never rose to the level of romantic, it was
significant because it was so ridiculously intense, for such a short encounter
(and NO, I’m not talking about a one night stand). I hadn’t spoken
to him since February but it’d probably been the better part of a year (or two)
since I’d seen him face-to-face. Our conversation was light and pleasant but a
little strained and a lot uncomfortable (for me at least). I suppose part of the
problem for me was that I usually take great pride, sometimes with a tinge of
arrogance, in my ability to let certain people and relationships go without
looking back. Frankly, that’s exactly how it is with most people. But for some
reason, I didn’t feel complete indifference toward him the way I’d felt toward
so many before and after him. He was one of those unexpected attractions that
was totally inexplicable, given our vast differences. There is more than a
decade age difference between us, we come from different backgrounds;
philosophically, religiously and emotionally. However, there was and is, an air
of mystery surrounding him that intrigues me more than I would ordinarily want
or am reasonably comfortable with. I feel silly even writing about him but he’s
the only explanation for the sudden ‘100 to 0’ plummet in my emotional wellness.
Clearly after seeing him in person, I still have some emotional work to do.
Maybe, the real problem with seeing him wasn’t him at all,
maybe he simply reminded me of just how far I am from finding what I need to
sustain me for the long haul. Intimately (not sexually) he was a real surprise,
a pleasant bump in the road that probably has no place in my life now. In
admitting that though, I have to accept that I don’t know which turn to make
next. I’m lost, as I have been so many times before this day. I’m too
claustrophobic to make any long term promises relationship-wise and too unsure
of the feasibility of remaining gleefully single for the rest of my life. What
do I do? Do I make a definitive step in one specific direction or wait it out?
What if I take a step in the wrong direction or what if I wait too long and miss
a golden opportunity? (Though I can’t imagine what that ‘golden’ opportunity
could possibly be.) The confusion is consuming me and making me a total basket
case. As you should know by now, I’m an optimist for the most part, so I’m sure
I’ll figure it all out eventually. I just need to draw upon that famous patience
I brag about so often. Unlike most, I at least have the club
cat-fight/tug-of-war to entertain me until I figure out the other stuff.
Don’t laugh y’all, as trivial as it seems, it’s more than most people have. That
fact alone, makes the waiting a little less depressing and a lot more
entertaining.
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