Originally posted on Thu 10/9/2008, 5:08 AM
Current mood: strong
Category: Romance and Relationships
This won't be a clever, witty and ironic entry. But it will help you gain some insight into my present state of mind (if you care to know). I guess deep down I fear I might be like one of those obsessive-compulsive schizophrenic patients that think they're feeling okay and normal, so they stop taking their meds. Well, I know better. My blog is the medicine that keeps me sane and occasionally psycho-free. 💻 I briefly alluded to some romantic happiness in my last entry. Not surprisingly, it was over almost as quickly as it began. For pride's sake, I contemplated not writing about him, just because I didn't want him to 'score points on me' and I wanted to retain some of my dignity. However, I concluded that writing about it, might actually help. Thing is, I had high hopes for this one. 😔 While he's on the younger side of things, he possesses unquestionable maturity and a wit, that I modestly proclaim, matches my own. 💕 Not an easy thing to find in someone. We attempted this a few months back but it didn't pan out and we didn't even get out of the starting block before we stopped speaking over something really stupid. So, this time, we tried to communicate our issues a little more and it seemed to work well, even when we didn't agree. What's the problem you ask? Without a doubt, there seems to be chronic sensitivity on both our parts. I'd argue that he is far more sensitive than me, though he'd probably disagree. Thing with me is, even if I'm put off/offended by something someone says (or does), I can pretty quickly 'get over it' if I truly like the person but not everyone is as forgiving. See, I always try to see The Big Picture. If I'm enamored by a person that clearly stands out from the crowd, The Big Picture is; I want them in my life for as long as it works. Nit-picky, overly sensitive responses to relatively minor things are good for little, unimportant squabbles but are hardly worth lingering resentment. 😕 After our apparent but not yet confirmed 'break-up', I moped around the house for about 24 hours. Then the very next day, I put it behind me with a firm commitment to looking ahead. I even changed my MySpace profile pic to the most significant and infamous Ex in ChaunyBaby history. (To whom I've aptly nick-named Ex-Lax). He is a reminder that no matter how much I care for someone, nobody's worth feeling bad over. If I could get over him, I can get over anybody. No lie, he was one of the greatest loves of my life. Anyway, when I see Ex-Lax now, who occasionally shows up at my favorite nightspot, I'm even more convinced and grateful that we didn't stay together. His subtle suggestions for reconciliation don't remotely phase or move me. 😑 Not because he isn't a great person (he really is), he's just not the person for me (anymore). You have no idea how much strength I gain from seeing him now, him wanting us to try again and me knowing it would never work. So, I don't even 'go there'…it would be completely futile, for me anyway. I'm so much stronger than I give myself credit for sometimes. And while I'm honestly bummed that my latest romantic interest and I didn't get anywhere significant, I know I can boldly move on. That's a HUGE step for me because it's been a very long time (probably years) since I saw as much potential romantic happiness in anybody. Seriously folks, I like this guy a lot (yes-like, present tense). But life is a learning experience isn't it? If you never learned anything about yourself after experiencing disappointment, what kind of dumbazz are you?!?! 😡 Oh sorry, I felt myself going to an angry place…but I'm back now. 😊 We'll see how the saga unfolds. I have a sneaking suspicion it isn't over quite yet and I don't mean the good stuff either. As always, you'll know when I do. And for the record, I don't have any ill will towards him, I actually feel supreme gratitude. It wasn't until him, that I realized how much I can still like someone. A very pleasant and welcome surprise I don't mind telling you. I sincerely thought that part of my life was long gone. As it turns out, I'm not as big of circus freak as I thought I was. 👾 Oh Happy Day!
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