Originally posted on April 5, 2008
I got nothing. I'm
done. Finito. Caput. Stick a fork in me. Maybe it's today's gloomy weather
that's put me in another "mood" but I've decided to give up the search (or be
open) to find "my other half." I think part of maturity (and Life in
general), is knowing when to throw in the towel, it's knowing when you're
licked and have no chances for revival. It's also about giving up
gracefully. I think some people are just meant to be alone. I've tried to
ignore the reality of that possibility but I can no longer march blindly into
future. I'm crying UNCLE! I'm exhausted. I'm spent. I have nothing more to give
to this fruitless enterprise. My delusions of the perfect (for now) love
can no longer be entertained by me. If I don't let this all go now, my
frustration will mutate into an anger I don't think suits me. I don't want to be
one of those lonely, pathetic, cynical and angry man-haters. I don't want to go
through life making every new man I meet, pay for the sins of
relationships-past. I'm too smart for that. There is too much much good stuff in
me to waste on such a sad state-of-being. I give up. If I were really brave, I
would boldly throw down the gauntlet and declare that I will also
become celibate in honor of my choice to become forever partner-less. But the
truth of the matter is, celibacy has been involuntarily thrust upon me (no
pun intended). Celibacy; not at all what I would choose for myself
but it's a bold reminder of what I must do now. Despite the sour "mood"
of this entry, I am not sad, I'm just plain done. Today, I feel like I've
discovered something telling and very disturbing about myself. I
think I've unknowingly engaged in a steady stream of events based on
self-torture. In some cases, this self-torture included purposely ignoring those
relationships with potential, in other cases, it involved unwittingly sabotaging
(some) other past relationships or even by being smitten with someone
(possibly) emotionally unavailable to me, as chronicled in my last entry. My
solitary path seems so painfully clear now. All of my relationship missteps have
been pointing me toward one glaring conclusion...I'm just not cut out for
marriage or romantic love anymore. Yeah, it's true...in a span of less than 24
hours, I'm no longer smitten with anyone and I'm done with
everyone, in the romantic realm. The "butterflies" I wrote about in my
last entry are gone too. I thought about it, I don't want to risk heartbreak
again. I can't. I'm resourceful but I don't think I have the resources (or
strength) to bounce back from another romantic disappointment. This is all so
embarrassing to admit to you, and myself but the truth must be recorded here,
as a testament of my sincerity. (At least until I change my mind again in
another 24 hours). Since motherhood has not yet been taken off the table,
I'd better start perusing the pamphlets and sperm banks for a suitable
donor. See? Every cloud has a silver lining...I guess.
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