Originally posted on Thu 12/4/2008, 7:54 PM
Current mood: irritated
Category: Romance and Relationships
Yesterday was an emotionally, physically and mentally challenging day for me. I'm not sure why either. I was so whipped yesterday that I left work early to go home and rest, so I could try to get my mind and body right. I napped from about 5PM till about 11PM and went back to bed around midnight. I feel refreshed but a little confused. For some reason, I'd had weird "dreams" about a couple of relatively insignificant exes, of which I didn't recall until my drive to work this morning. The men on my mind yesterday were a couple fleeting affairs that I hadn't really invested much time, energy or emotion in. I'm sure those guys are now either married or one more kid or so "richer." You know me though, I started to wonder what memories of them really meant. 🧐 What was my brain and heart trying to tell to me? I'm still not positive but this morning, I started to wonder (again) what the true purpose of marriage is, in today's society. I mean, I get the whole idea of finding love and experiencing wonderful things with a significant other, I just don't get the importance placed on marriage itself. I'm still amazed when I hear a woman talk about her wedding day as something she'd dreamed about ever since she was a little girl. So even then, she knew who her soul mate was? She knew instinctively then, the person she was meant to marry? Most likely, the answer to those questions is "No." So in accepting that, doesn't that mean that we are just conditioned to get married because it's simply expected of us? It's the societal rite of passage. Ah, The Beautiful Bride, a lovely vision in white. 👰🏾 She, the symbol of purity on her special day. This ideal wedding day has been ingrained (and hammered) into our heads since childhood, with not one thought or preparation for the day after (the honeymoon). 🤦🏾♀️ Please understand, I'm not knocking anyone that has or had a beautiful and fulfilling marriage. I do believe marriages like those exist. If it works for you, go for it with my complete blessing. But what of me? I started to really look at all my failed relationships and I drew a conclusion I wasn't quite ready for. You already knew my position on marriage (for me), so restating that isn't really an apocalyptic admission from me. However, what I've never shared before, is that I'm not really all that concerned about finding "The One"…not because I feel that fate will just send him to me one day but because I'm not sure I even want him. 🤷🏾♀️ And not only that, I think I've only entertained thoughts of homosexuality, self-pleasure and celibacy because there had to be some logical reason for my prolonged disinterest in most things traditionally romantic. There had to be some explainable and obvious theory for my string of failed relationships. 💔 After all, I'm an effective, possibly superior, communicator. I'm loving, fair-minded and generous. I'm not selfish, inconsiderate, mean, angry or psycho. Why do all my relationship attempts, no matter how seemingly insignificant, crash and burn so abruptly? I think it's because I just don't see the point of those kinds of relationships, not for a prolonged amount of time anyway. I want to be allowed to freely move about from happy romantic (male-female) relationship to fantastic friendships to simple solitude. 🧍🏾♀️ I don't want to have to explain why I suddenly don't want to talk to my man, "special" friend or even platonic friend anymore. Even though I'm extremely responsible and trustworthy, I don't really want the responsibility of caring for anyone else's feelings. Caring for my own screwed-up feelings is a full time job plus daily overtime. I just want to able to fade away for a while, without explanation, return only when (or if) I'm ready to and be welcomed back with open arms and appreciation. 💞 I couldn't see myself being uncaring or trivial with someone's feelings, I just don't want the official responsibility. The complicated part is that I don't want to be treated that way. I'm being horribly one-side I know. I guess that pretty much squashes my earlier claim of not being selfish huh? I wonder how this self-serving, freedom-loving (at all costs) attitude will affect me in motherhood. I know they say that most women automatically become maternal after the arrival of a mini-me but I'm not sure that's really true. I'm not "most women" anyway and whether you love, hate or are just puzzled by me, you can't deny that. I doubt I'll win any Mother of The Year awards for my likely desire to abandon my kid at the local fire or gas station when I get tired of raising them. Hey, I'm just being honest here. This entry might seem to suggest that I don't value relationships but that isn't so. I value relationships a great deal. I just hate the rules, regulations and restrictions society places on relationships. I hate all the steps outlined for us follow when we find somebody supposedly compatible. 🚫 Can't I just enjoy his company in short, passionate increments? Why doesn't he understand that just because I don't love him in one continuous block, I'll love him again soon (probably). Since I'm not very susceptible to loneliness (I love time to myself), I have a hard time reconciling the idea of sharing my life with a significant other F-O-R-E-V-E-R. ⏳ And though I'm happy for someone who finds happiness and gets married, I can't help feeling a little sorry for them too. Hell, they probably pity my perpetual 'singledom' because it's clearly not 'the norm'. I guess this way of thinking is easy for me because I've lived with my "life partner" for well over 30 years now (subtracting a few college years); my beloved sis. I don't know anyone more attractive, funnier, smarter or better than she is. Maybe I'll have a different take on romance once she decides to settle down with some knucklehead I'm likely to hate because he's taking her away from me. 🤬
Maybe that imaginary dream man I pretend to be waiting for, actually appears, and makes me do a complete 180 degree turn-around on all this. 🤯 Maybe I'm just a whacked-out chick that has a brain and chemical imbalance that the right medication can cure. 💊 For now though, I'm just not with it. But you know me, I'm likely to have a whole new take on it by tomorrow morning. 😝
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