Originally posted on 6/15/2010
Current mood: overstimulated
Category: Life
As another birthday draws ever so near, I find myself unenthusiastic and unmotivated about life in general. Strangely enough, I think my diminished NightLife activities have helped spur on a mild degree of melancholy. - I know it's more than just that, much more in fact. There are definite issues with social stress and amorous ambiguity that are fueling my depression. Have you ever felt so solemn that it's hard to see past it? That's how I feel now. I know there are happy times ahead. I know there's light at the end of the tunnel. I know I have infinite blessings to be thankful for. I'm just feeling a little life-worn at the moment. I want to be optimistic and enthusiastic but right now, it's just easier to wallow in my own self pity......disgusting isn't it? Honestly, there are things that could happen that would help me feel better but those things aren't within my control. I can't control my environment or other people but I can do my best to not let them control me. I'm losing the battle right now. Perhaps that inner struggle is the REAL source of my emotional exhaustion. I wish I could just turn my brain off sometimes. See, nothing is ever simple in my head. While one person sees two options, I see dozens...then, even more sub-options. = Each and every personal choice I make goes through a vigorous filtering process before it's actually implemented. Normally, I can process internal issues with lightning fast speed, so much so that I seem sane to those around me. Then there are times like now, when I feel overwhelmed and completely consumed by my vigorous filtering process. It's as though everything is blasting at the same volume I can't differentiate between the stuff that really warrants my attention and the stuff I should just ignore/tune out.
Oh wait, here comes another one...
...okay,
I'm good
now.
It feels like it's all hitting me at once and everything is of equal importance. ? The "white noise" is as deafening as the serious stuff. It's as though my choice of which pants to wear to work is as important as my choice for the father of my children. I know that's an extreme example but sadly, it's not far from reality for me. Needless to say, prioritizing is not my strong suit right now. Sleep isn't even a viable escape because the next day, I can recall bits of several dreams and nightmares, and none of them seem unified in any way. Is my present confusion a mere blip on the radar screen of life or am I slowly driving myself permanently insane? I suppose I'm willing to concede that this current calamity is temporary since I recall feeling this way before, just not for this long. I guess as I get older, I notice things more and analyze them to bloody exhaustion. As I age, the term 'Longevity' seems to apply to many different areas of my life but not in the area I'd prefer. Will I ever experience true love in one consecutive block of time, preferably accumulatively longer than a week? Man, that baby's ugly. I wonder how many carbs are in a slice of pizza. Did I remember to shut my car's engine off? Do they smell that, and if they do, do they know it was me? Actually, all my "issues" seem equally important and equally asinine. Daaamn...I had no idea how truly fucked in the head I was until I wrote this. I sure hope they make a pill for what I'm going through or maybe there's "an app for" it. Shit, I knew I should've bought that iPhone when I had the chance.
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