Originally posted on 4/28/2010
Current mood: smitten
Category: Romance and Relationships
Ah
yes, there it is. That sickly, nauseatingly hopeless stomach discomfort makes
another unwelcomed but expected appearance. Today, I find myself wondering what the key to a successful
love relationship is. Don't
say "love is the key" either. I think most couples genuinely love each
other but to me, that doesn't seem like enough. I'm not sure what
would be enough but it has got to be more than just love. The world is full of divorced couples that still love
each other. For me, the wonders of relationship rewards ponders many questions.
<-?-> °What
makes some people drawn to specific people and is that feeling
transferrable?-
°Can a person retain that same exciting feeling about a partner they've had for 50 years, just the way they did when they first met?-
°Can a soul mate be made or must they to be found?-
°How come continuously sucking in my stomach doesn't count as vigorous aerobic exercise?-
Those are serious questions I want real answers to. I have my excruciatingly overly-analytical "thoughtful" moments, so I'm not sure if it's that or if I'm just feeling extra sensitive today. Perhaps it's a little of both. One thing I know is that once that desire to keep the home fires burning is gone, it's gone forever...for me at least. What I find most puzzling, is my apparent hot & cold approach to love: Either I'm all in or nowhere near. Hot & cold aren't just temperatures on a water faucet. A friend recently told me that one of my exes was at the same spot she was (a few weekends ago). He told her to tell me that he knows he messed up, he thinks about me all the time and that he still loves me. I don't mean to seem arrogant, but that's not news. On a serious note, even though I could NEVER imagine being with him EVER again, there was a time when I didn't want to imagine myself without him. I didn't think I could ever be happy without him. And really, looking back, he wasn't the only one that messed up back then. I was a NEARLY perfect girlfriend but I wasn't the woman I am today, not even close. So I guess it stands to reason that if he loved me so much back then, he probably wouldn't now. If I'm totally honest with myself (and you), back then I was controlling, jealous, possessive and insecure. Okay, maybe I wasn't the "NEARLY perfect girlfriend" I'd once thought myself to be...like, two sentences ago. I'm happy to state here that I'm an entirely different person now and that makes me prouder than I can accurately express in words. Each day I grow more confident in my intelligence, creativity and general love for myself. I'm not an aging cynic with declining good looks, I'm actually getting better with age. (I'm not just telling myself that, I really am. ) All my past hurts, loves and losses have been usefully applied to my current magnanimous magnificence. But magnanimous magnificence aside, I worry. I worry that maybe the true me will never be fully seen or, even worse, ever appreciated by anyone significant. I worry that I'm more 'delusionally damaged' than magnanimously magnificent. I worry that I'm not at all witty, just weird...and not in that charming way. I guess time will tell. Besides, being weird, witty, neither or both makes no difference to my current mental state anyway so who cares. ♥
Even being the 21st Century New Age Woman I am, I can readily admit that there are some household tasks that a man is better suited for than a woman. Sis told a me a few days ago that a guy that sometimes helps us do big jobs around the house, left a voice mail message for me on our home phone. Strange thing is, he and I have never really talked. We've exchanged a few pleasantries, having to with my appreciation for his hard work, but that's about it. I didn't even think he knew my name. (Sis generally handles that kind of business.) What's even stranger is that he's seen me at my worst physically and he STILL wants to holla at me! Puttering around the house doesn’t warrant any special attention to style so it was a surprise that someone who had seen me looking like a Kentucky-fried turd, would want to see me in a social setting too. It's flattering on one level and uncomfortable on another. This man has seen me in my prized and private comfort zone. He knows where I live and breathe...literally. I'm not sure how comfortable I am with letting people into my personal space; mentally, physically or emotionally. I seem to be most content keeping "romantic" relationships on a more superficial level. Digging deep is too much of a risk to me. However, I do sometimes find myself in the uncomfortable position of caring more than I wished I did. My confusing Runaway Bride Mate-for-Life Commitment-Phobe personality causes more confusion than a Republican in a Sensitivity Training class. / It's not all bad though because this sort of confusion is the prime time for relationship introspection. I have a lot of things to work out and I have do to that all by myself, no training wheels. (Yippie.)♥
I'm probably gonna kick myself later for this but I feel the need to be totally upfront right now. Since I'm feeling tentatively bold, I'll admit this next part and just be done with it; I'm infatuated♥. (There. I wrote it.) The worst part is that I'm kinda struggling with my feelings about it. I'm sort of over it, sort of in love, sort of in like, sort of don't give a fuck and sort of don't want any parts of it on any level. On one hand, since meeting this Prince of Passionate Possibilities♥, I really hadn't had any desire to be with anyone else. On the other hand, since meeting this Prince of Passionate Possibilities♥, my feelings make me want to preserve my pride and drive in the opposite direction as fast as I can. Personally, I'd prefer painfully plucking out each one of my pubic hairs with tweezers, strand by strand, over handing the key to my heart over to someone and being emotionally vulnerable to them. He (this Prince of Passionate Possibilities♥) may be "The One" or just "The One For Now" but one thing's for certain, being smitten with someone is very uncomfortable for me. On the extremely rare occasion that I am smitten, I can feel the subtle pangs of the old, insecurely inferior woman I used to be slowly rising to the surface. I don't want to be her ever again. In my mind, I've decapitated her, burned her to ashes and dumped her into the pits of hell but she's threatening to come back to haunt me. If I let her back in my life, I'll be back at square one, only older and much less wiser. A definite deficit (-). I can't let that happen. I won't. My relentlessly repetitious fear of romantic love can't be my legacy, it just can't be! I'm gonna hypnotize myself and force my intelligent inner emotions to grab hold of the reins and keep control. I truly believe that I can be a woman capable of welcoming true love in my life and appreciating it as the blessing it is, if I try really hard. I know that woman is in me, somewhere. ♥♥♥ I'm just gonna keep telling myself that over and over until it sticks. If I don't believe it, it's never gonna happen for me so I choose to believe it. In the words of the great & powerful Morpheus (from The Matrix movies °°); "Don't THINK you are, KNOW you are." Damn right Morpheus! You may think a Matrix movie quote seems a little out of place here but it's always been my position that there's never a bad time for an appropriately relevant Science Fiction reference. Science Fiction stories have told of saving the galaxy on countless occasions, just imagine the wonders it could do for my love life.
"Science fiction writers foresee the inevitable, and although problems and catastrophes may be inevitable, solutions are not." ~Isaac Asimov
°Can a person retain that same exciting feeling about a partner they've had for 50 years, just the way they did when they first met?-
°Can a soul mate be made or must they to be found?-
°How come continuously sucking in my stomach doesn't count as vigorous aerobic exercise?-
Those are serious questions I want real answers to. I have my excruciatingly overly-analytical "thoughtful" moments, so I'm not sure if it's that or if I'm just feeling extra sensitive today. Perhaps it's a little of both. One thing I know is that once that desire to keep the home fires burning is gone, it's gone forever...for me at least. What I find most puzzling, is my apparent hot & cold approach to love: Either I'm all in or nowhere near. Hot & cold aren't just temperatures on a water faucet. A friend recently told me that one of my exes was at the same spot she was (a few weekends ago). He told her to tell me that he knows he messed up, he thinks about me all the time and that he still loves me. I don't mean to seem arrogant, but that's not news. On a serious note, even though I could NEVER imagine being with him EVER again, there was a time when I didn't want to imagine myself without him. I didn't think I could ever be happy without him. And really, looking back, he wasn't the only one that messed up back then. I was a NEARLY perfect girlfriend but I wasn't the woman I am today, not even close. So I guess it stands to reason that if he loved me so much back then, he probably wouldn't now. If I'm totally honest with myself (and you), back then I was controlling, jealous, possessive and insecure. Okay, maybe I wasn't the "NEARLY perfect girlfriend" I'd once thought myself to be...like, two sentences ago. I'm happy to state here that I'm an entirely different person now and that makes me prouder than I can accurately express in words. Each day I grow more confident in my intelligence, creativity and general love for myself. I'm not an aging cynic with declining good looks, I'm actually getting better with age. (I'm not just telling myself that, I really am. ) All my past hurts, loves and losses have been usefully applied to my current magnanimous magnificence. But magnanimous magnificence aside, I worry. I worry that maybe the true me will never be fully seen or, even worse, ever appreciated by anyone significant. I worry that I'm more 'delusionally damaged' than magnanimously magnificent. I worry that I'm not at all witty, just weird...and not in that charming way. I guess time will tell. Besides, being weird, witty, neither or both makes no difference to my current mental state anyway so who cares. ♥
Even being the 21st Century New Age Woman I am, I can readily admit that there are some household tasks that a man is better suited for than a woman. Sis told a me a few days ago that a guy that sometimes helps us do big jobs around the house, left a voice mail message for me on our home phone. Strange thing is, he and I have never really talked. We've exchanged a few pleasantries, having to with my appreciation for his hard work, but that's about it. I didn't even think he knew my name. (Sis generally handles that kind of business.) What's even stranger is that he's seen me at my worst physically and he STILL wants to holla at me! Puttering around the house doesn’t warrant any special attention to style so it was a surprise that someone who had seen me looking like a Kentucky-fried turd, would want to see me in a social setting too. It's flattering on one level and uncomfortable on another. This man has seen me in my prized and private comfort zone. He knows where I live and breathe...literally. I'm not sure how comfortable I am with letting people into my personal space; mentally, physically or emotionally. I seem to be most content keeping "romantic" relationships on a more superficial level. Digging deep is too much of a risk to me. However, I do sometimes find myself in the uncomfortable position of caring more than I wished I did. My confusing Runaway Bride Mate-for-Life Commitment-Phobe personality causes more confusion than a Republican in a Sensitivity Training class. / It's not all bad though because this sort of confusion is the prime time for relationship introspection. I have a lot of things to work out and I have do to that all by myself, no training wheels. (Yippie.)♥
I'm probably gonna kick myself later for this but I feel the need to be totally upfront right now. Since I'm feeling tentatively bold, I'll admit this next part and just be done with it; I'm infatuated♥. (There. I wrote it.) The worst part is that I'm kinda struggling with my feelings about it. I'm sort of over it, sort of in love, sort of in like, sort of don't give a fuck and sort of don't want any parts of it on any level. On one hand, since meeting this Prince of Passionate Possibilities♥, I really hadn't had any desire to be with anyone else. On the other hand, since meeting this Prince of Passionate Possibilities♥, my feelings make me want to preserve my pride and drive in the opposite direction as fast as I can. Personally, I'd prefer painfully plucking out each one of my pubic hairs with tweezers, strand by strand, over handing the key to my heart over to someone and being emotionally vulnerable to them. He (this Prince of Passionate Possibilities♥) may be "The One" or just "The One For Now" but one thing's for certain, being smitten with someone is very uncomfortable for me. On the extremely rare occasion that I am smitten, I can feel the subtle pangs of the old, insecurely inferior woman I used to be slowly rising to the surface. I don't want to be her ever again. In my mind, I've decapitated her, burned her to ashes and dumped her into the pits of hell but she's threatening to come back to haunt me. If I let her back in my life, I'll be back at square one, only older and much less wiser. A definite deficit (-). I can't let that happen. I won't. My relentlessly repetitious fear of romantic love can't be my legacy, it just can't be! I'm gonna hypnotize myself and force my intelligent inner emotions to grab hold of the reins and keep control. I truly believe that I can be a woman capable of welcoming true love in my life and appreciating it as the blessing it is, if I try really hard. I know that woman is in me, somewhere. ♥♥♥ I'm just gonna keep telling myself that over and over until it sticks. If I don't believe it, it's never gonna happen for me so I choose to believe it. In the words of the great & powerful Morpheus (from The Matrix movies °°); "Don't THINK you are, KNOW you are." Damn right Morpheus! You may think a Matrix movie quote seems a little out of place here but it's always been my position that there's never a bad time for an appropriately relevant Science Fiction reference. Science Fiction stories have told of saving the galaxy on countless occasions, just imagine the wonders it could do for my love life.
"Science fiction writers foresee the inevitable, and although problems and catastrophes may be inevitable, solutions are not." ~Isaac Asimov
Isaac
Asimov. (January
2, 1920 – April 6, 1992) Russian-born American science fiction author and
biochemistry professor at Boston University. One of the pioneers of the
"Golden Age of Science Fiction" literary movement from the late 1930s
through the 1950s.
°I know how much you appreciate an educational ChaunyBaby™ Blog posting.°
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