Originally posted on 12/10/2009
Current mood: exhausted
Category: Life
Wow,
what a wild few weeks! Thankfully, the tumultuous recent past was conveniently
concluded with a wild night of singing with my fellow Holiday Karaokers.
(I ❤ my peeps!) While
there were some gleaming moments of love and understanding these last few weeks,
there were definite elements that would be considered some of the worst moments
of my entire life. I wasn't the best I could be, not a great friend, sister or
daughter. On the flip side, it was in those darkest moments that I
re-affirmed those that really love me and will be there when I
feel like I have nowhere else to turn. I'm
sorry to be so "cryptic" about that but I simply can't be anymore
specific. I just know that I have more work to do on myself before I
can ascend to next level of desired enlightenment. As
I mentioned earlier, I have it on great authority that I'm supremely
LOVED♥,
which made me look even harder at myself to find other ways to improve my life,
and that of my family.
As a result, for the first time in about 15 years, I'm seriously contemplating
going back to school, even though I firmly agree with a fantastic movie line
that describes college as simply "high
school with ashtrays."
I
think I have to finish up some stuff I started long ago, I hate to admit it but
I will anyway. See, I'm a great initiator but
I'm not so great at following through sometimes. Regular old life circumstances
can pull us out of our well-meaning intentions but we have control of going back
and finishing up what we start. I need to at least try to do that
now. My last entry describes the positive side of death, and that
comes into play here too. Time for a new direction, in more ways than one. It's
simply not feasible to apply 1992
logic to 2009
logistics. It just won't work. My personal growth is dependent on some of my
past ideology dying a quick and permanent death. I
sure hope my recent preoccupation with death doesn’t have a more sinister
meaning. On
yet another unrelated tangent, it seems I overworked and over-partied myself
yesterday. My eyelids were not able to open more than halfway...
all - day - long. I didn't even care that my underwear kept riding up. Pulling
them out would use the precious little energy I had left to think...and breathe.
I just 'rode the wave' and let my bloomers explore areas of my body that have
never seen the light of day while my feet were NOT in
gynecological stirrups. Today was one of the hardest-to-get-through days for me in a
while. (Late August maybe?) I received some of the sympathy I sought but not
from everyone I wanted to receive it from. That's cool though, because the next time they need a
shoulder to bitch on, I'll be 'conveniently absent' too.
Just watch! Leave a fuckin' voicemail! [° Beeeeep °] Now press
pound (#). Oh hell, I guess I'm just a little tired and cranky right
now. I can't party like I used to. The good
ole college days
of staying out all night and then crawling back into civilized society with a
blank stare, uncombed hair & questionably clean clothes are over too. To get back into the swing of things, I need a good long
vacation from myself, say...a medically induced coma? It would be cool to have
someone else bathe, turn and exercise my limbs for me for a while. I'm just not
feeling up to it. Well,
maybe a coma is a tad drastic but hibernation sure isn't. Oh wait! NOW I
get it. My sudden influx of unwanted poundage makes perfect sense to
me now.
I'd been cheekily referring to my widening waistline and chunky
chocolate thighs
as 'holiday weight' but now I see it was just my body's way of storing up
fat for the rough winter months, so I can safely I hibernate. And to think, I was blaming cornbread dressing and other
complex carbs for my pleasantly
plump
physique. It's a good thing I finally realized what was going on
because my early Christmas present to myself was going to be bulimia. 🎄🎁🛍
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