Originally posted on August 18, 2009
Current mood: drained
Category: Life
With
astoundingly annoying repetition, I find myself in another dazed and confused
state. I have so many emotions bubbling just below the surface but I can't find
the right words to describe them or the energy to explore them. The me time I so confidently thought would answer all
of my unanswered questions, have caused more confusion than
solution. And if that isn't bad enough, I can't muster enough courage
to crack open the hard outer shell to expose the truth, which is fully within my
power to do. My super powers seem to have diminished to that of a
run-of-the-mill human chick. Hey, it was bound to happen someday. That hypothetical kryptonite suppository
sure hasn't helped to relieve my hypothetically hemorrhoidy psyche. Moreover, I
almost don't want to know the answers, but then I do. I just can't
manage to take the next necessary step, as if my feet were stuck in quick-drying
cement. I know, that line and sentiment are oh so familiar.
Another irritating impasse, a skittishly stubborn stalemate. I simply stopped trying to understand...cold
turkey-which ironically make me feel like a big ole cowardly chicken. Almost every ounce of energy I've expended lately has been
devoted to fighting back my paranoid emotions, unsubstantiated accusations and
plain old fear of the unknown. At this rate,
I'll never make any headway. I'm a complete and utter mess and the saddest part
is, I can't blame anyone else for it, I'm doing it to myself. Deep down (way down), I know things will work out, maybe even
better than I ever imagined but that doesn't make my immediate inner turmoil any
less real. What's wrong with
me? The world may never know the answer to that question and
that's okay with me. On the flip side, I may never know the
answer to that question either and that's scarier than having Edward
Scissorhands as my trusted "hands on" gynecologist.
Way too funny honey!! I so get it! Today, I woke up, I breaethed...that was the sum of what was progress for me to begin the day. After that...well, all else that is required for this day is spending my first awakening time with God (some of us need more help than others) -- just to know it includes spiritual things and 12 Step things both. Then, thereafter, just takethe next step and trust He will provide everything that is needed for me to take that step. As I have been told (more than once) the action is my part, the results are God's part. As Forrest Gump would ssg, "That's all I have to say about that!"
ReplyDeleteThank you, Mary. You are so right, as always!
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