Originally posted on Fri 10/10/2008, 5:07 AM
Current mood: relieved
Category: Like
What the hell was I thinking? Dear friends, my sincere apologies for the graphic tone of this entry. This will be the third entry within the last few months in which I've insinuated the 'presence' of turds (either mine or someone else's.) Friends, my severe childhood affliction of chronic constipation, has carried over well into my adulthood...full force. 💩 You might suggest a healthier diet of more fruits and vegetables but in my case, that isn't the problem. To rewind a bit, my work pants were a little tighter than usual this morning. Sure, the culprit might be hormonal or plain & simple weight gain from over-eating but I concluded that my problem might have more to do with not having a bowel movement for quite some time now (it could be weeks, in some cases). 😞 The occasional use of Maximum Strength Senna laxative pills and a lot of prayer have been most helpful. I even keep a freshly stocked card of my favorite Maximum Strength Senna laxative pills in my purse at all times (I know it's sad to have a 'favorite' laxative pill-but so it is).💊 While sitting at my desk this morning, I decide, my infinite wisdom, to kill two birds with one stone; 1.) Loosen my newly restrictive work pant's waistband and 2.) Relieve the debilitating pressure on my lower bowels. I take the pill card out of my purse and see that I have exactly 4 pills left. The suggested dosage is 2 pills but given my particular "constipational constraints", I have to take 3 for any effectiveness. Obviously, taking my usual 3 today would leave me with one measly pill. With my system, one pill wouldn't even produce a tiny turd the size of rabbit pellet. I ponder to myself; should just take all 4 and get a fresh pill card for my purse when I get home? Yeah I'll do that, it only makes sense. I take all 4 pills and take huge swig of my ice cold water. I'm straight now, it's about 11AM by this time. Perfect. By drinking lots of water and with the larger dosage I took today, I'll surely be 'enjoying' success inside a couple of hours. (Generally, it's an overnight thing for me). ✔ At about 11:05AM, I suddenly remember that I signed myself up for a 12:30PM to 2PM training class today. Dang! That's going to seriously cut into my "relief period." I wonder to myself; if I shove a couple of fingers down my throat, I could probably reverse the damage, right? Then I think; no that wouldn't work, after all, the 4-pill relief & recovery team had already had 5 minutes to travel through my complicated digestive system. Maybe if I stop drinking water, I can prolong the inevitable effects until after my training class and pray really hard that I can make all the way home before the dam bursts. 11:30AM rolls around and I'm already seeing signs of trouble. 😟 That's okay, I'm a resourceful woman, I can make this work…this is an opportunity, not an obstacle. I'm convinced that I can control/trick my body into doing what I want it to, regardless of how much I'd increased the dosage this time. Easy Breezy. 11:46AM, Ouch…this isn't a good sign. Perhaps I don't have that David Blaine-like ability to control my bodily functions by sheer brain power alone. Not good, not good at all. I go to the bathroom to move my underwear waistband well below my waistline and instantly, relief.😄 Hey this could possibly work! If I sit at my desk like that, with the top button of my work pants undone, I can throw my office cardigan over my work ensemble and fool all of my co-workers into believing in the normality of my physical condition. I won't let on, I'm cool as a cucumber. 😎 This is a piece of cake! Surely if I sit still and work diligently, I can pull this off. 11:58AM, Uh Oh…trouble on the horizon. 😢 My training class is in 32 minutes and if things continue on this downward spiral, I don't think I have any chance of making it through without abruptly excusing myself. 12:31PM, I'm in the 4th floor training room awaiting "training." It's bleak my friends, very bleak. I wouldn't want to repel/repulse you further with anymore of the embarrassing details. I'll just summarize by admitting that I clearly annoyed the whole class with my pitifully desperate questions, interjections and nervous laughter, in a feeble attempt to drown out the atrociously loud gurgling of my stomach. 😵 I don't think I fooled anyone though. But even with the repeated inquisitive glances my way, I just kept my eyes firmly fixed forward, as if I heard nothing at all…which may have been the very act that gave me away. See, the gurgling sounds were so loud that anyone that wasn't declared legally deaf, could hear very clearly, as if I had an amplifier attached to my belly button. I think by trying to seem 'unconcerned' and 'unfettered', I looked guiltiest of all. 😕 Fortunately, I managed to make home before "the foul fury of man" flooded the gates 😱. If someone mentions it tomorrow, I'll just play it off as if the training session was so riveting that I couldn't hear anything but the instructor. Ok I admit, it probably wasn't nearly as bad as all that. My colorfully creative mind runs away from me from time-to-time. 😁 As you should well know by now, my mind is hard-wired a little differently than most. It could be that, or this life of chronic constipation has permanently damaged some of my brain cells over the years. 😨 Any excuse to seem normal will work for me. It could be worse, I could have uncontrollably loose bowels…I doubt that condition would win me any new friends. BELIEVE my friends; always believe in the power of positive thinking. 💓
No comments:
Post a Comment