Originally posted on Thu 11/13/2008, 5:15 AM
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I
decided to take a little vacation from my stringent dietary rules, more so out
of boredom than actual weakness. I don't have much else going on while sis is
away on business, so I guess junk food binging is just my way of being
defiant (all my "junk" food has been sugar free though-so I'm not that
defiant). Defiance makes me feel like I have some measure of control over my
life. Most things feel a little out of my control at the moment. Since about
Monday, I've been suffering from some type of malicious paranoia that seems to
infect me periodically (more like monthly). I feel like the world at
large is out to get me a little. From
Monday through today, I just knew my co-worker's insipid slurping of their
coffee was an intentional way of slowly driving me insane, like Chinese
water torture. Loud, methodical, annoying and relentless. To me, the sound of
laughter, along with other jovial sounds of workplace happiness and contentment,
sounded suspiciously like (real) nails scratching a chalkboard. My DJ-style
headphones were the only thing that kept me from violently strangling a few
people at work. Obviously, strangulation isn't a healthy or intelligent
emotional outlet. So, I started to daydream about more creative forms of torture
for the infinitely annoying, like forcing them to eat a full tray of
lightly-chilled petroleum jelly sandwiches on wheat bread, at gunpoint. Or maybe
making them brush their teeth with Wasabi paste, instead of toothpaste. Nothing
too bad or near as disturbing as the visual I keep getting of secretly replacing
their Visine with Tabasco (thinking up something like that would make me one
sick monster!) And our
pets aren't immune from my uncharacteristically blue 'whateva' mood
either. Please understand that I would be far more likely to hurt
a human rather than a dog, but they can be just as annoying (Yes-I know how that
sounds). Our dogs have pretty much taken over the house in my sister's absence.
I just come home from work, clean a little, feed and tend to the dogs and then
barricade myself in my room while they take over the rest of the house. I joked
with sis this morning (through e-mail) that the crazies have taken over the
asylum. Trust me, it's just easier this way. Monday
evening, when the storm knocked out our satellite, I was probably at my lowest
point. Just when I thought I was going to blow, I put in one of the funniest
movies of all time; 2004's Kung
Fu Hustle. That
movie is pure & perfect cinematic genius! It has comedy, drama &
beautifully-executed Kung Fu, what in the world could be a better combination
than that? It gets funnier every time I see it but I hadn't seen it in a good,
long while. So this time, I actually laughed so hard that I puked and damn near
pissed myself too. Since
laughter hadn't been a recent biological reaction, maybe my body rejected
it out of shock. The
dogs were looking at me like I'd gone stone cold crazy, I'm sure I looked plenty
crazy laughing and puking like that (I'd
let them in my room that night because the noisy storm scared them). But the
life annoyances started again the very next morning. My
Blue Period might be the expected result of many simultaneous issues; The
gloomy & rainy weather early in the week. Or, that fact that my BFF
is away on her business trip, which will leave me alone all week with the dogs
and my disturbing thoughts. It could even be the impending arrival of
Aunt
Flo. On
top of all that, I'm sure the expensive new energy drink I started drinking this
week, that taste like an equal mix of expired Mountain Dew and liquid earwax,
didn't help the situation any (I bought a whole week's worth of it
too).What a way to start the morning! Strange thing is, I don't want
to be saved or 'lifted up' or given any well-meaning advice. I just want my
gloomy feelings to naturally run their course and make way for the good stuff on
their own, without assistance from anyone. Frankly, I'm feeling a little
disgusted with myself right now. I feel
my brain telling me, "Get
a grip girl and get over it! You're being WEAK and it's not becoming! You're too
powerful to be weak!"
I hate
pitiful whining more than that disgusting vitamin-enriched energy drink I
had to power down every morning this week (so far). I don't want to be labeled a
whiner! One of the most irritating things in the world, is a whining azzhole
that just won't shut up! Well, I can't help being an azzhole sometimes, but I
can certainly control my whining. Let's face it, whiners SUCK! I refuse to let
pitiful whining be my legacy. I'm basically a happy person anyway, so 'picking a
happy place' to put myself in emotionally shouldn't be that hard. I firmly
believe that being happy or miserable is a personal choice, not an
inevitable circumstance. As a matter of fact, I'm taking back my life right now!
I am like the phoenix rising from the
flames. I am REBORN!
Honestly, I've been feeling more solitary than
social lately anyway. Since this past weekend, I've kept a pretty
low profile. I pretty much kept my cell ringer off and rarely checked my e-mail.
Alone time is probably good for me, I could use a few days of quiet reflection
to recharge my mental batteries. I'm sure with some intense concentration, I can
put myself in a normal place. Who knows!? Who cares!? It is what it is.
Unfortunately however, normalcy has never been one of my strong suits.
Oh shit
here comes that damned whining again! I need a scorecard to keep up with this
Jekyll and Hyde personality of mine. If all
else fails, I'll still have Kung
Fu Hustle to get
me through the cold, lonely nights. It's better than having some lame, boring
man taking up valuable space in my bed. Unless of course he can make me laugh so
hard that I puke and piss myself too. Take
it from me, nothing says happiness like puke and piss. |
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