Originally posted on Thu 8/2/2007, 3:57 PM
My mind is so muddled
right now, I don't know if any of this will even make any sense. So much has
happened since I last wrote, I'm not going to even try to catch you up on
everything. I've neglected writing for so long, I feel like I've forgotten how
to. I feel literarily impotent. So, this will be a "practice
entry". I'll just start typing and hopefully, this will come out to be
something worth reading (but I'm not promising anything!) If nothing
else, maybe it'll give you greater insight into the inter-workings of
ChaunyBaby (you've been waiting all year for that, right?) You
know, more than a few times, people have admitted to me that they've read my
blogs. Not all the expected people (friends, family, etc.), other people
I've never met. They would approach me as if they knew me inside and out. I used
to think that was an overly-confident and presumptuous stance to take with me
but in retrospect, it isn't really. I mean, if they read what I've written here,
they really do know me inside and out. Don't get me wrong, I'm not
arrogant enough to think I'm all that interesting, people just have a
natural voyeuristic nature. I know I do-I just hate reading! Frankly, when
I write here, I put it all out there! I write things here, that I would
probably never let escape from my lips. For example, right now, I'm back on my
baby-making/urgent motherhood trip. Any man with baby-making ability, in
a 30 mile radius, isn't safe alone with me right now. There are a few women at
my job that are with child, so I guess I'm thinking (subconsciously
perhaps) that's it's some sort of sign for me. I don't know, I'm so confused!
Sometimes I want it, sometimes I don't. Well, let me rephrase that...I know I
want it, I just don't know when I want it. All my
30-Something friends, without children, are betting on me to be the first. I
think we all want someone else to test the baby waters, before we
irreversibly commit ourselves to the motherhood pool. I guess it started
(again) last week while I was at the Philadelphia airport, typing a blog entry
that never made it to this page. I called my mommy to let her know that I'd made
it in safely. While I was waiting for sis to arrive (on another carrier), we had
a little mother-daughter life-catch up conversation. She asked me about some
past boyfriends and my intentions with regard to children. She then confessed to
me that she'd seriously considered secretly writing an ad for a Baby's Daddy for
me. The ad would stipulate that she would have to approve him before he would
get introduced to me (if he passed the background and disease check). She
said she didn't go through with it because she thought I'd be mad at her.
Actually, when she told me about it, I thought it was pretty cool. She admitted
to me that she thought I'd have to almost be tricked into motherhood. She's
right. I can't plan that sort of lifestyle change! The problem is, my life works
so well for me now. With the exception of consistent male affection, I have
about everything I want. I already have a wonderful life partner (sis). So, that
urgency to find someone to make me happy, just isn't there. By the way, sis
recently got a huge promotion (I'm still working on my promotion). Since
she had to be in New Jersey all last week for work, I decided to take my
vacation that week too (her actual birthday was right in the middle of the
workweek and I didn't want her to be by herself). So, she bought me a laptop
to combat boredom while she was working! Yes, a beautiful new laptop, complete
with wireless service! See?! Normally, a person would have to find a mate
(husband or wife) that loves them enough to want to make their life
easier/better. I already have that. We bought a house together a few years back,
so I already have that too. Actually, it's helped me mature because I've had to
learn to do things around the house myself, that a man would (presumably)
do for me. Since moving to the boonies, I'm not as afraid of things as I used to
be. We're in a pretty rural area, so snakes, possum, raccoons, field mice, frogs
and spiders don't terrify me like they once did...I simply don't have that
luxury. I can't call my husband in and insanely scream, "KILL IT! KILL
IT!" Sis or I, will just have to "man up" and do it ourselves. I fix and
install stuff around my house, change my own tires, take out my own trash, etc.
For some reason, that sort of independence has also made me very patient and
even tempered. I think that compared to the person I used to be, I'm pretty calm
right now. I used to have a HORRIBLE temper! I never messed with
anyone in school or anything but I didn't take crap off of people either. I
wasn't scared of a fist fight. As a matter of fact, I had a fist fight every
single school year, except for my senior year. Yeah, you read that right, my
last fist fight was in the 11th grade! My brothers' girlfriends (later wives),
said they were terrified of me (before they met me) because my brothers
used to brag about the fact that fought girls and boys. I even remember
my brother making a bet with one of his friends that I could beat up his little
brother Darrin (the little brother was only a year or 2 older than me).
We were about 10 or 11. I think Darrin had a little crush on me too, probably
not after that day though. I remember slugging it out with Darrin in our back
yard, while my brother and his friend cheered us on. It was a real Blood Fest! Darrin bloodied my lip and I
bloodied his nose and lip. My mom caught us before the fight was over but
make no mistake about it, I won. Now understand, even though I had a fist fight
every year of school, I never got in any real trouble. As it happened, I always
had fights with the biggest bullies in school, so they were always known for
trouble-making. I was pretty quiet, some say a little weird but I hated bullies!
I still do. I made all my own clothes and jewelry in (middle & high) school.
Not stuff you could buy or even see anywhere else. I didn't want to be or look
like anyone else. I think that's probably why I had so many fist fights. I guess
I looked like an easy target, a mark, a black punk rock chick, a real weirdo! My
sister used to laugh at me because I had a lot of punk rock admirers. When I
left for college, I'd come back to town for visits/Summer and people that I'd
gone to school with, would say, "I remember you from school! I used to love
the way you dressed...I wouldn't be able to do it myself but I loved it!". A
bit of an off-handed compliment but I knew what they meant. I didn't remember
any of them but I was flattered that I'd left that kind of impression (on
folks I didn't even know). My mother would be so proud when people would
stop me like that. I'd look over at her and she'd be grinning that big, gummy
grin I'd inherited from her. It was pretty cute. Many years later, she told me
that adults used to ask her why she let me dress the way I did. She said she
told them, "Look she isn't going out, having sex, getting in or giving me
trouble, so she can dress the way she wants to!" It was true too. I guess I
just had my own unique way of doing/seeing things. I suppose I still do. Though
at the time, it didn't seem all that "unique" cause I didn't know any other way
to be. I know, don't say it...these are all just mindless ramblings with no
discernible point. But it feels good to be writing again. Do you think once I
start having kids, I'll still want to write? Or, will I be too preoccupied with
dirty diapers, runny noses and screaming fits (theirs-not mine)?
Who knows?! Who cares?! YOU do!!! Stop playin! SMOOCHES!
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