Originally posted on 5/20/2010
First, an apology. The melancholy tone echoed throughout my last several blogs will continue today. I'm really very sorry about that. I promise to make this entry short though. In times like these, I therapeutically write in hopes of triggering a more positive energy flow within myself. My literarily-therapeutic theory seems so metaphysical and mystical but it's not, it's just an exercise brutal honesty. It's not easy to give others such an in-depth glimpse into my head and heart but I have to do this for my own sanity. Remember my most prized motto; Write, then Release (repeat as necessary). Don't worry, my inner cheerful chick will be back in fine form soon enough. She's just feeling a little under the weather right now but it's nothing a few sad blogs can't cure. // I don't have all the answers yet but I have a few. I think in an effort to be so brutally honest and upfront about purging unhealthy relationships and fostering healthy ones, I mistakenly sealed my own doom. I'm being tested and sadly, I'm one of the world's worst test-takers. I'm a perpetual student of life and tests just aren't my forte. In the interest of pride and privacy, I won't provide specifics on the current complexities but I will tell you that things aren't flowing in the direction I'd hoped they would just a short time ago. Oh well, I can only be me and whatever follows after that, good or bad, is an inevitable fate. No matter what happens, it's important that I keep trying to improve myself when I see tiny (or huge) cracks in my life philosophy. I'm a lousy test-taker but I'm a world champion tweaker. I pride myself on being flexible, adapting and tweaking when necessary. Those who can't adapt, die off. That's the circle of life. As the saying goes The only constant is change. That's so true. Even bad experiences can help provide new opportunities to do something better the next time. In times of hurt and humiliation, two negative emotions I'm on a first name basis with, I have to make an honest effort to keep on plugging through while simultaneously adjusting to the new. I'm constantly changing and the pains of regeneration can be quite intense, much like that of childbirth (I'm told). Like childbirth, the intense pain hopefully leads to something beautiful, new and a golden opportunity to make things better on the next go-round. I'm experiencing some brutal life labor pains right now and boy, it does it ever hurt like h8ll! Even so, I'm sure something beautiful will come out of it all. I won't even need any fuckin' pain medication! You'll see. Just grab one of my knees and hold on tight because I'm gonna push so hard that I damn near shit myself! (Figuratively speaking.) Nothing screams "regeneration" like the smell of salty sweat, fresh placenta and hard labor turds. Yeah I know, that's a Smell-A-Visual I wish I could erase from my mind too. Might be time to consider a regenerative life rebirth via c-section instead. No sense pushing myself unnecessarily.
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