She Dances With *Wolf*

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Originally posted on January 6, 2009 - Wednesday

Current mood: blah
Category: Romance and Relationships

My very first entry for 2009. I've wanted to write for a while but blogging is an organic experience for me and must flow naturally, it can't be forced. It's a little like farting, you can't just do it on cue (unless you're extremely gastronomically gifted). I suppose by definition, farts flow organically too. But if you try to force it, in either case, shit comes out.  I have to warn you, this won't be a witty and ironic entry. This entry will probably come off as whiny and pathetic. Frankly, nobody hates chronic whining more than me but writing it will hopefully keep me from acting it out.  I feel another surge of social solitude emerging. If you could see the thoughts my muddled mind is plagued with right now, I'm sure you'd commit me.  I can't seem to get my thoughts and feelings to flow in a cohesive manner, let alone complete a sentence verbally. I'm a holy hot mess indeed. Hopefully, by the time I get to the end of this entry, I'll have gained an idea, thought, feeling or delusion that will carry me through the rest of the week.  I think my latest bout of social ambivalence started around Saturday night when I was out partying and dancing. I had lots of fun (like always) but I also felt a little socially exhausted and distant. In fact, it wasn't until I was at work yesterday afternoon that I remembered that I'd forgotten to speak to a few people I saw out Saturday, that I hadn't seen for months. They probably thought I was intentionally ignoring them and being a bitch but only half of that is true, you guess which half. I'm tempted to sit out a few Saturday nights so I can recharge, especially since being socially gracious isn't a quality I possess right now.  I can't tell you how many times I completely zoned-out and stared into space for no particular reason at all on Saturday night.  Realistically, when I feel like that, I can't/ don't want to explain it to anyone. I just want to sit quietly and do my best impression of a lobotomy patient, just shy of drooling on myself. Don't try to engage me in idle small talk about things that take my attention away from my own muddled thoughts. Even the fun of flirting didn't carry much weight last weekend. For the record, I consider flirting a social, not sexual activity.  To compound the problem, I've been communicating with an old boyfriend at the urging of my messy friends. My friends are either looking for entertainment or worried that I'm being a little too socially solitary for my own good. To his credit though, he's being much more patient with me now than he ever was when we together but not as patient as I want him to be. The repeated contact attempts from him (through all modes of modern technology), are pulling me further away from the possibility of any type of reconciliation; friendly or otherwise.  Even though he wants to take me out (presumably to show me how much he cares about me), we haven't even talked on the phone yet. I prefer to exchange information through friendly texts, even though I haven't figured out all the fly texting features on my brand new phone yet. That's really all I have to give him right now. I know, it isn't much.  And though I'm extremely distant in thought and action right now, I want to at least consider taking a novel (for me) approach to my love/social relationships. I'm considering the possibility that my "soulish" mate, is most likely somebody I already know, though I couldn't possibly guess who.  It seems a little redundant to look for your future in your past but I like to keep all my options open. At this point, I have no allies or allegiance to anyone whether new friend or old foe. Besides, it's a new year so who knows where I'll end up.  I wouldn't say that the chances are great that my ex and I will reconcile in the way he wants. Truthfully, it's hard to dismiss all the relationship problems we had before...and we had some real doozies!  I truly believe that he sincerely cares for me but our cloudy past together only reminds me of the seemingly inevitable pitfalls sure to make a quick appearance. It was one of those relationships in which I gave far more than I got. After a (short) while, that got really old. If your partner is demonstrating that kind of selfishness in the 'honeymoon' stage of the relationship, you can bet your bottom dollar that it will only get worse with time. He says he wants one more opportunity to show me that he can be unselfish too. Honestly though, I'm a bit exacerbated with the whole situation.  I'm trying to be open about the possibilities but it feels a little played out. I'd dealt with far too many selfish demands from him, so it's pretty hard to look at him any other way after being away from him for so long. I'm not sure what my ex liked least about me but I know exactly what I hated most about him; his ridiculously unprovoked temper tantrums.  Temper tantrums are for toddlers, not grown men. I don't plan to deal with that foolishness until I'm legally obligated to, through motherhood or marriage. Every fight, argument and unkind word permanently changes the relationship landscape no matter how forgiving you are. I'm pretty damn forgiving but even I have my limits. Once you cross that line with me, I'll pretty much close shop on ya azz.  Man, I'd hoped I would have come up with a surefire direction to take by the end of this entry. Sadly, I haven't, so the journey of self-discovery continues. Frankly, it's all too much to deal with anyway, so I think being alone is my best option for now. Being alone is the only thing I'm sure of in my present dazed and confused state.  On my drive to work this morning, I saw something dragging a large white bag off the road into the grass. For some reason, I was completely fixated on that far-away image. Since it's still dark when I leave for work, I couldn't make out what the creature was until drove up next to it. It was a wolf (and yes, I'm positive it was NOT a dog). A lone wolf. How metaphorically fitting is that?  Actually, I think it was a coyote but 'A lone coyote' doesn't have the same poetic ring to it, so I'm making it a wolf for the sake of this entry. So maybe the day's events have helped me gain precious insight after all. Life is what you make it I guess. My life has enough remarkable ingredients to make something pretty darn great if I don't let the negative stuff creep in and take over.  Wow! Did you see that? Another positive affirmation! This blogging business is the SHIT!