Sweet Pammy And The Trapped Azzholes

The following is result of Operation Blog Recovery (Of what I could retrieve): The following content is collected from a platform that is no longer operational. Gaps and spaces in the formatted text could be the result of broken and/or expired emoticons, links or web-hosted pictures. You can be assured that the opinions and thoughts expressed are from the original writing. Hell, I’m not even going to correct spelling or grammar. Enjoy! Or not.

*Originally posted on February 15, 2008, RSS feed on 2/28/08*


This is another "practice" blog as I try to get my groove back. I can tell you that I got a bit of a wake-up call yesterday at work. As you know, things haven't been going swimmingly for me lately. What you might not know is, this feeling of hurt, abandonment and down-right anger, extends to not only romance (or lack of) but ALL aspects of my life. Okay, if I had my way, I would lock all the selfish azzholes I'm dealing with right now, in one big room and happily take my time kicking the shit out of each and every one of them...until I got tired. Right now, my "Saving Grace" has been my main girl Pam and a few, sweet MySpace friends. Anyway, I got to work yesterday a little before 5:30AM and through the morning until about lunch time, I was having trouble fighting back tears. Seriously, I'd go to the restroom and sit on the toilet just to "collect myself." After my last "bathroom break", I sat at my desk and instantly felt a burning sensation in my stomach. I tried to blame it on the pain pills I was taking for my back. Then, I started thinking that this was one of the longest stretches of "sadness" I'd gone through since getting sick in September. I began having flashbacks of the ICU, plastic tubes being painfully stuffed through my nostrils and feelings of complete and utter helplessness. What if I've got another bleeding ulcer? What if another one has developed on an artery and I'm slowing bleeding to death (again)? That instantly shocked me back into reality. I sat there, at my desk, for several minutes with my eyes closed, trying to make every cell in my body relax. I got up and went to the atrium in my building to read, relax and get some sunlight (for lunch). After about 5 minutes of sitting there, Pam (who works in the same building) walks over to me and says, "Your ears must be burning, I was JUST thinking about you!" She knows I haven't been myself lately. But that simple statement made me feel so good. Somebody was just unselfishly thinking about me and hoping I'm feeling good? To you, that might seem insignificant but to me, it was the perfect collection of words at exactly the right time. After chatting and laughing with her for a few minutes, I went to back to my desk. I sat there and reassured myself that everything will be okay (for me). Don't laugh, but it was a life-changing moment for me. I just can't get sick again. I can't let selfish people take me to a place I never want to revisit. I have to stay alive and healthy. Strangely, it all came down to one simple question. If I'm not alive and healthy, who will kick the shit out of all the trapped azzholes trying to drive me into the grave? Thank you Pam for being my friend and sister. I love you very much.