Originally posted on 2/11/2010
Current mood: selective
Category: Romance and Relationships
Mentally,
I'm moving like molasses, which means there's some emotional reason for
it. Managing my emotions is a fulltime job and sometimes, I'm not so good at
it.
I'm gonna lose some serious cool
points
with this next confession (assuming
I had any)
but what tha hell, we're all friends here right?
I was in tears on my way to work yesterday morning while listening to a
sentimental song. Outta nowhere, it brought to mind a past relationship that
didn't quite work out the way I would have hoped. I can admit this because I'm
not usually so obscenely "sensitive", at least, not by merely hearing
a damn song. After
a couple more songs, I did my best to pull myself together but I wanted to
diagnose my sudden sadness promptly, so I did. I'd decided that my "sensitivity"
had been spurred on by my utter lack of devotional desire. With one glaring exception♥,
it'd been a LONG time since I'd cared deeply for anyone. My romantic
relationship motto is Keep
the numbers low & slow.
For
the most part, that motto has served me well but yesterday, it made me a little
sad too. I mean, in all these years, I'm feeling like I should have
had more the one damn person to have loved so much.
Depressing...but on the other hand, what a sweet love it was! Being
a self-proclaimed "deep" individual with an utter lack of devotional
desire, I'd also decided that maybe my true 'inner self', was
really in direct opposition to that claim.
I concluded that maybe, I secretly prefer superficiality. What I mean is,
I seem to find great value in relationships that only go so deep. Let's face it,
there's a definite advantage to not letting people "in" too much. Still, I was in a battle with myself regarding appreciating
the uncomplicated situations in my life while simultaneously being bored to
tears with them, literally. I think I prize my freedom so much that I sometimes forget
the importance of fostering those relationships that I'll cherish my whole life.
I
can count my significant romantic relationships on one hand with
no thumb and a couple fingers to spare. That's the story of my life. After
my sentimentally sappy before
breakfast breakdown,
I wanted to test my resolve after the work day. So, I listened to the same sappy
sentimental song on my way home from work and this time, I didn't cry. Instead, I imagined what I'd eat the next day. I
have two "free" days each week (Wednesday
& Saturday), when
I can basically eat whatever I want. On those days, I'm very calculating about which indulgences I
partake. Only those foods I really crave make the cut.
Because of the other 5 days of 'eating right', overindulging on the free days
will cause a bloating pain you wouldn't wish on your worse enemy. Aside from that, I really like this dietary lifestyle
change because on my two "free" days each week, I enjoy my food so much
more. I swear food actually tastes better, most likely, because I can't
have whatever I want, whenever I want. It
was an eerily sudden about-face from one moment reminiscing about that
one sweet love, then suddenly thinking about the love of sweet potato
fries.
(McCain™
brand is the best!) Then
it hits me. That
abysmal number of one sweet love wasn't a punishment, it was a reward for
seeing how wonderful love can be, especially when it's rare. For me, there will be other sweet loves and sweeter still,
each new love will be sweeter than the one before it, until I find that
last one. Hopefully, that last one will appear in my life
when I've reached the ripe old age of 104. I probably won't be ready to
settle down until then or shortly after. Of
course I'll pop out a few babies before that. No offense to anyone out there,
but my main requirement for babies is good genes, not true
love. I know that idea might not be everybody's cup of tea but it
made me feel great and isn't that what really matters? Today, the same song that had me ballin' like a big ole baby
yesterday, had me bobbing and singing today. I
see now that love (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) will happen when I least
expect it to, just like it did the last time. You never know where happiness
will find you, it just does...especially when you don't look for it. Thankfully,
I never look for it. Hell, just this past Monday, I was stuck waiting around for a
tow truck, in the cold rain (in my truck). I sat there for what seemed like forever! I thought to myself; Shit,
this is a real fucked up way to spend my day off.
When the tow guy FINALLY showed up, he was sweet,
considerate and best of all, really cute! It didn't hurt watching him work that flatbed tow truck like
a maestro...ULTRA masculine! As cute as he was, I was a little bummed that I'd
opted for no make-up that day and I looked like a 98 year old
blind Eskimo man dressed me. Still, after he gets that beast-of-a-car
(his
words)
unloaded at the mechanic's, he gives me his cell number, card and tells me to
call him some time. I'm not sure if I will or not yet but it's
nice to know that someone attractive can be attracted to me, when I'm not
so attractive. I
couldn't have looked any worse Monday, than I do first thing in the morning, so
that's already a load off my mind. Whether this guy ends up being love, lust, something
in-between or nothing at all, my interaction with him was a good sign. I might just call him up for no other reason than to let him
see me when I actually attempt to look cute, or at least, descent.
I doubt he'd even recognize me "gussied-up", which is another good sign. But 98 year old blind Eskimo menswear and no make-up aside,
his true test will be seeing me in a bathing suit.
If he sticks around after that, he'll definitely be a
keeper and a storybook romance can't be far behind. ♥
No comments:
Post a Comment