Category : Romance and Relationships
Blog 23
Make Room For The New and DIE!
This is a serious entry, not one of the blog entries filled my usual craziness. See, I'd been wondering lately if I should be in another place, relationship-wise. I'm starting to long for that much needed, male attention (intimate, not sexual). ❤👀 I hadn't enjoyed any in a while, so I'm beginning to want it again. Frankly, I can't figure out what I need to do to enjoy true romantic contentment. I go out, I have have fun, I keep myself open to romantic potential (and possibilities) whether I'm in a club or pumping gas. I don't really go looking, I'm just sort of waiting to be found. Is there something I can do to tip the scales in my favor? ⚖ I pray of course but I'd always believed that God helps those who help themselves. So, for the last few weeks, I'd been enjoying some solitude and self-reflection to see if I can figure "it" out. I'd even begun to follow my horoscope to see if I could find ways to improve my life (I'm a Cancer Sun♋/ Libra Moon♎). Consistently, all the "astro" sites seem to indicate clearing out the old, to make room for the new (in love). The only unfinished business I could think of was that "stuff" with my first ex (the one in which I hadn't been accepting calls until just recently). I decided I would call him and release him from any and all lingering hopes or thoughts he had about us reconnecting romantically. Not to be malicious or nasty but to not have him "sitting on the fence" with regard to us. 😐 See, as long as he didn't know (either way) where my head was, he could allow himself to think there was a chance. And I KNOW him, I know that very thought sustained him all this time. That's probably one of the reasons he didn't ever get (really) angry with me for not taking his calls. So, I call him. 📱 I decide (from the start) to be sweet, diplomatic and absolutely without drama when I delivered this news to him. I told him that I couldn't see myself ever going back to him. I told him that it wasn't fair for me to not tell him either way what my intentions were. I even told him all the things that happened between us that would simply not allow me to ever have loving feelings toward him again. I told him that I wanted to be happy and I wanted him to be happy (actually, I really don't care if he is or not). I didn't ask him about anything (or anyone) he did after we broke up-I don't care. I told him that although I wasn't mad at him (anymore), I didn't want to continue communicating on ANY level; no phone calls, e-mails, message in a bottle, smoke signals💨, nothing. Truthfully, continuing to communicate would just confuse things and I'm ready to completely move on and wanted him to do the same. Despite the seriousness of our conversation, he asks me if I have a boyfriend. I tell him (politely) that it really wasn't any of his business but I could assure him that my recent decision (to put it all out there) had nothing to do with another man, which is indirectly true. I mean, I don't have a man but this whole thing started because I need to clear out the old to make room for the new (I don't have "a new" yet though). Actually, I found the whole conversation to be a very calm, mature, insightful and, for me, liberating exchange. 💞 After (surprisingly) little protest from him, I told him that I wanted to get off the phone so I could get some rest. We said our "official" goodbyes and I hung up. From that point on, I'm resting (hard), completely covered by my warm, gigantic comforter. It's lovely! 💤 At this time, it's about 5P and (even lovelier) it's almost completely dark outside because of the all day Sunday rain. I'm drifting, the SandMan's got me completely under his spell. The next thing I can remember is hearing RIIIIIINNNNG from my cell phone (it's almost 10P now-so I'd been sleep for quite a while). 😮📱I'm terribly irritated but since very few people have my cell number and I didn't recognize the phone number, I answered in my best, gravely, sleepy voice. One guess as to who you think it was calling me. You guessed it!!! He says, "I just want to talk to you"...I reply, "Does it have anything to do with what we'd already discussed and agreed to?" He replies; "Chauny, I shouldn't be calling you, should I?", I reply "NO, you shouldn't!!!". He then says, "You don't want me to call you anymore, right?". I abruptly answered, "RIGHT!!!". I wasn't rude before but now, I'm PISSED! 😠 I mean really, I couldn't be any plainer (or nicer) than I'd been and though he didn't really deserve an explanation, I gave him one. Like I said before, I released him from any and all future obligations with me. I'm cooked...I'm done...stick a fork in me! I told him (again) that I had no desire to communicate with him further. He then tells me that he can tell that I'd been asleep and he'd let me go back to sleep (not even acknowledging my comment about no further communications with him). WTF!? Where had HE been through that whole calm, mature, insightful and, for me, liberating exchange?! Sadly, I can tell, this isn't the end of this saga. I tried to be adult and dignified but my efforts appear to have backfired. You know, there are times when you claim you don't ever want to hear from a particular person again but secretly, you do. This is NOT one of those times! Outside of a Restraining Order, I don't know how to relieve myself of his annoying and persistent existence. Well, maybe with time things will settle down. Either that or he's planning to murder me. While I feel like I really know him and I don't think he's capable of such a horrendous act, you only have to make the mistake once to find out you were wrong! So, if you notice an unusually long absence in my blog entries, assume the worst and check the local Dallas-Fort Worth papers for my story. Let's just hope (and pray)🙏🏾 it doesn't come to that. 😬
Posted : 2006-10-17 01:08:00 PM Created : 2006-10-17 01:27:00 PM Visible to : Public
Blog ID : 181537402
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