Category : Life
Blog 45
Whoa Is Me! Pitiful, Ain't It?
Perhaps it's just that I'm feeling a little overly-sensitive but I think I've identified one source of the slight depression I've been experiencing lately. I'm pretty sure it stems from an inordinate feeling of "unappreciation" from those around me. No one seems to be listening or even care about what it is I want (or need). Everyone seems to be pushing their own agenda with no real consideration for anyone but themselves and it's really getting on my nerves! 😡 You ever feel like someone's trying to " rain on your parade ", just 'cause? As you know, some of this started last week when my friend and I decided not to ever speak again. I didn't go into specifics then but I don't mind sharing some with you now. During my last conversation (with my friend), I tried to explain to him how stressed out I was about the car shop still not fixing my car correctly (this just after purchasing my favorite bottle of wine for him-as surprise for the Sunday/Monday excursion that never happened). Ignoring everything I'd just said to him, he started telling me that he doesn't like my tone when I talk to him sometimes (not necessarily right then). Even though it wasn't any of his business, I explained to him that our current conversation wasn't rosy on my end because I had some emergency financial/car issues I needed to work out. I even went on to tell him that I didn't mean to shorten my phone conversations with him (I kept needing to call him back) but someone kept calling in, during our phone calls, about the car. I wasn't rude or anything, I just needed to take care of some (obviously) pressing business. He goes on to tell me that I always need to get off the phone, when I don't like how the conversation is going and that's going to have to stop. HELLO?! Did he just say what I thought he said? Did he even hear anything I was telling him about me? Did he even care about what my issues were at that immediate time? Nope, it appeared not. I admit that I was a little hurt that I exposed some of my hand when I told him some personal stuff about what I was going through-and he didn't even acknowledge it. I think secretly, I was hoping he'd offer some words of encouragement or at least listen without pushing his own agenda. Usually, I'm pretty composed when I talk to him, so maybe he didn't know how to react. I don't ever ask him for emotional support or a shoulder to cry on because I don't want to be perceived as weak but I did this time, and look what happened? So, the decision is made-no more communication. Sounds like the only workable plan, due to the circumstances. After purging my momentary hurt feelings in my last blog entry, I'm not even the least bit upset at him anymore. With him, things went the way they were supposed to go, why even be mad about it? Then, Saturday, I go out to dance some stress away. On Saturday night, for some unknown reason, I felt really glamorous, sexy and confident (mostly just in my head). The night started out wickedly wonderful. The manager of the club bought our table a round of delicious margaritas (topped with Grand Marnier 🥃) to get the night started off right. YUM! The live band that night wasn't one of my favorites but I was going to try to enjoy myself anyway. So, on a completely bare dance floor, I get out there and do all my best Janet Jackson/ Beyonce/ JoLo (when she was a FlyGirl) moves. I'm feeling really powerful and I don't care who knows it. After the song, the singer makes a few comments to the crowd about my dancing ability and my t-shirt (which proudly said "Flirtologist"). So, I'm feeling like I'm getting my groove back, despite some earlier emotional set-backs. The singer even comes to our table a few songs later, to chat. It's funny too because when I was in the bathroom earlier that night (after my first dancing display), a couple of women asked if I were dating the singer. I assured them that I wasn't and I asked why they thought I was. They told me that when I was out there dancing, there was a chemistry between us that was very electric. Whatever! Truthfully, the singer wasn't even remotely my type physically but I guess we just had that Jay-Z/ Beyonce chemistry that translated well on the dance floor. Then, a little later that night, I go out to dance again and (in my mind ) I put on another hot and sexy performance. I'm feeling really great and all the previous disappointment about my friend and my car situation start to rapidly melt away. Afterwards, I go back to sit down with my one girlfriends that was still left at the table, and I get admonished for taking too long on the dance floor! She says that she was irritated because she'd been having difficulty keeping my seat open. What?! Did she just say what I thought she said? How could she be worried about something small like that? Didn't she see my steamy, MTV Music Awards-ready performance on the dance floor? I thought she'd be pleased that I was breaking out of my earlier funk but all she could do was bitch about how long I took out on the dance floor. Despite her selfish proclamation, I assured her that she never had to worry about her time on the dance floor because the "seat situation" would always get handled by me (which I'd done on countless occasions). Coincidentally, I'd just finished telling her how gorgeous she looked that night and that all the attention seemed to be squarely on her, so I'd better get my game right. She apologized for crapping on my parade but it was too late, it was an anti-climatic end to a night with so much potential. Oh well, I tried. There are a few bright spots but mostly, the rest of the weekend (through Monday) was more of the same. For the most part, it was people needing this or that with no real consideration for my time or feelings. I'm thinking it's okay though, Tuesday will be better. The first thing I do this morning before leaving for work, is check my MySpace messages. My very first message was an insult (about one of my more prominent physical characteristics) from some ugly chick in another state. HUH?! Did I just read what I thought I read? What did I do to her? Where did that come from? I've never even talked to her before and I'm not even sure how she even found my page! I'm sure the object of her affection sent me a note or left me a flirtatious comment or something and she was just "lashing out" at me. I know how "catty" some women can be sometimes, slinging insults-just for the sake of being hateful. Generally, rude comments from people don't phase me too much, but this just came on the heels of a bad emotional spell. I know I sound a little "whoa is me " but I don't care! I need to get this out, so I can make room for some more positive stuff that's surely coming for me (I'm due). I have to give a special shout out to my good friend Tahiti though. He was the only one this weekend that gave me anything really positive to work with. He'd paid me some really wonderfully sweet compliments at a time when I was sinking deep into a cavernous, emotional hole (real dramatic, huh?) Seriously, his kind words really came at a time when I needed them most and I told him so. It's funny when that happens, isn't it? Maybe that's the test, the lesson I was supposed to learn. Even when everything seems to be going the wrong way, there's that tiny glimmer of hope that's telling you something important. Though I don't consider his compliments to be small in any way, they were the only real, positive thing to happen in a long weekend that seemed to be fraught with a steady stream of crappy happenings. Maybe the lesson is that other people love, admire or appreciate you, even when they don't always say it. Maybe a series of bad things happen to you at one time, to remind you that things could always be worse. Maybe you're stronger than you thought you were and it's all a part of the Grand Plan to toughen you up, when you're getting weak. 😞 Maybe it's my Monthly Monster playing tricks on my brain again. 🧠 So far, it's just a weak week for me but it's still early, things might turn around before it's all over.
Posted : 2007-06-05 01:19:00 PM Created : 2007-06-05 11:43:00 AM Visible to : Public
Blog ID : 272711099
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