Originally posted on May 27, 2008
So (again) I see a
very significant component of my romantic past at my favorite nightspot this
past Saturday. While the last few times of seeing him there had not changed my
rock-hard position on him and his place in my life now, this past
Saturday was a little different. He buys me drinks, we hang out, catch up a
little, he watches me do my thang on the dance floor and then I'm ready to go
home. He tries to trick sis into giving him our number, but she didn't fall for
it (no matter how strong the drink was he bought for her). We take a few
pictures together and I head for the door. He grabs me, hugs me tightly and
tells me (in my ear) that he still loves me very much and he thinks about me all
the time. Trying to be coy, I attempt to play it off by pulling away from
him, giggling and simply replying "Yeah, ok, right." He replies
that he's serious. After the long, awkward, eye-to-eye gaze goes uncomfortably
past the point of thinking of an appropriately witty response to his admission,
I just reply, "I know you do. But I have to go now." He simply
replies, "OK." Earlier in the evening when he first came by my
table, a girlfriend happened to be sitting with us when he came by and left
[from our table]. My sister tells her that; "That guy was the love of her
life. They were crazy about each other. They were going to get married. They
were together like 5 or 6 years." Not knowing much about me (or my personal
life), her eyes got really big as she asked me for confirmation that sis'
statement was true. I replied that it was. I told her that there was a time, a
long time actually, in which I couldn't imagine my life without him. Her eyes
got even bigger (she misunderstood me thanks to the loud nightclub
music), she thought I said that I couldn't imagine my life without him
(now). I repeated myself and added, "I couldn't imagine him being a part
of my life now though". It's true too. Frankly though, I will
never again love someone the way I loved him, but trust me, that's a very
good thing. I loved and gave him so much, that I didn't leave enough of myself,
for me. So, when things spun out of control, I thought he was the only one that
could make it right or make me happy. Why would I do that? Why would I give so
much of myself that I had nothing left for me? In his defense, who would even
want that responsibility? I wouldn't. I chalked all my relationship missteps up
to inexperience in love. After Saturday night, it wasn't until the next
day or so that I thought about how messed up I still am about everything that
happened between us (he & I). That famous indifference I thought I
had for him, was cloudier than it had previously been. Not because I had
any desire to go back to him (I don't) but because surprisingly, I
was still a little angry and resentful. After I thought about it though, I
realized that emotional soreness is a very good thing. I see it as a
battle scar that will keep me from making the same mistake again. That 'trick
knee' that acts up right before it's about to storm, after you sprained it
several years ago. A good hurt. A pain that keeps you firmly on track. After all
of those beautiful and miserable years with him, I've become so
very strong. Not bionic strong mind you, it's just when someone hurts me
now, I can be hurt, move on and be alone or with someone else-it's
completely my choice. It always has been, though I didn't see it that clearly
then. I guess, in a strange way, I still care about him. I care about him as a
person that has taught me one of the most valuable lessons I've ever learned.
It's colored how I treat romantic potentials, friends and co-workers alike, in a
very positive way. Who would've "thunk" it? Me, crediting
him for being the single most influential part of my womanhood?
But it's absolutely true. And I'm so grateful to him, all of those
beautiful/miserable years with him and my ability to learn something incredibly
valuable from the experience. I'm so very blessed. Things could've been so
different for me if I didn't allow myself to let go of him fully and finally.
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to hang with him on a friendly basis, just
in case I'm momentarily weakened by another romantic disappointment that prompts
me to do something I regret (with him)-he'd be waiting for just that, trust me
on this. Anyway, it was a wonderful weekend indeed. It started with a fantastic
graduation party for sis that included all of the people I love the most and
ended with a wonderful affirmation that none of my past pain (with him or
anybody else) was in vain. It's very important to continue to learn from the
good and bad experiences in life. There's a valuable lesson in all
experiences, if you allow there to be. You can't be mad at that.
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