Damaged

The following is result of Operation Blog Recovery (Of what I could retrieve): The following content is collected from a platform that is no longer operational. Gaps and spaces in the formatted text could be the result of broken and/or expired emoticons, links or web-hosted pictures. You can be assured that the opinions and thoughts expressed are from the original writing. Hell, I’m not even going to correct spelling or grammar. Enjoy! Or not.

Originally posted on May 14, 2008

Man, I'm a complete and utter mess. It occurred to me after talking with a new friend last night, of just how little I'm willing to sacrifice in the name of love (more like the possibility of it). I told him that I'd learned something important (and different) from every unsuccessful relationship from my past (platonic & romantic). And even with all of that precious knowledge, I'm still emotionally-stunted. I just can't seem to move past it. I can't let anybody "in", no matter how much I want to want it. Just when I feel like I want to take a chance with someone, the slightest provocation will send me running for the hills, fearing the minor issue is a sign of much bigger problems to come. As my emotional walls are beginning to show cracks and foundation damage, I'm frantically trying to keep them standing tall by whatever means necessary. I want to use concrete and mortar to patch the cracks, but all I have is chewing gum. This morning, I mostly thought about my phone conversation with him the night before, which forced me to admit to myself of just how damaged I really am (not at all an easy task). In some ways, I've come so far, in other ways, I stay stuck in the same damn place as if my feet (up to my ankles) were immersed in hardened concrete. Strangely, I don't think I have any of the typical emotional baggage that comes from failed relationships, except for one; industrial strength titanium armor around my heart. It sucks but it's just the way it is. I hate being this way but I'm way too scared to risk being any other way. Sometimes it's kind of a miserable place to be emotionally. Not all the time, just when you see a direction you want to go, but you just can't quite take a solid step in that direction. Most times though, the titanium armor aids in having fun, being care-free and not worrying about the future or the "what ifs."  I'm not a pessimistic person by nature, so negative feelings like these really do a number on my psyche. I know I've written it before, but I'm equally parts pitifully emotional & rigidly logical. So, there's this constant, painful push & pull between what I feel like I want to do and what I think I should logically do...confusing not just to me but all those around me. I fully and embarrassingly admit, there's no "clear read" on me and whatever is true for me today, may not be that way tomorrow.  Like I said before, I'm a mess. I'm damaged goods. I'm a life-worn. I just hope one day, someone that truly cares about me, can break this hard shell and free me from my weak and ridiculous fear of the unknown, my self-made psychological prison. A tall order, I know. Frankly, I know I can't count on that. So, I'll concentrate all my energy on fixing myself and not wait for someone to help fix me. Really, no one could anyway. It's my pretty mess. My albatross. My cross to bear.  My main man Tahiti told me to stop writing sad blogs but I just can't seem to stop!  The good thing is, almost immediately after literarily purging my sadness here, I start to feel better. I think I'm just in my blue period. All The Greats have blue periods (I'm clearly not suffering from low self esteem as you can see). See? It's working already.