Originally posted on May 14, 2008
Man, I'm a complete
and utter mess. It occurred to me after talking with a new friend last night, of
just how little I'm willing to sacrifice in the name of love
(more like the possibility of it). I told him that I'd learned
something important (and different) from every unsuccessful relationship
from my past (platonic & romantic). And even with all of that precious
knowledge, I'm still emotionally-stunted. I just can't seem to move past it. I
can't let anybody "in", no matter how much I want to want it. Just when I
feel like I want to take a chance with someone, the slightest provocation will
send me running for the hills, fearing the minor issue is a sign of much bigger
problems to come. As my emotional walls are beginning to show cracks and
foundation damage, I'm frantically trying to keep them standing tall by whatever
means necessary. I want to use concrete and mortar to patch the cracks, but all
I have is chewing gum. This morning, I mostly thought about my phone
conversation with him the night before, which forced me to admit to myself
of just how damaged I really am (not at all an easy task). In some ways, I've
come so far, in other ways, I stay stuck in the same damn place as if my feet
(up to my ankles) were immersed in hardened concrete. Strangely, I don't think I
have any of the typical emotional baggage that comes from failed relationships,
except for one; industrial strength titanium armor around my heart. It sucks but
it's just the way it is. I hate being this way but I'm way too scared to risk
being any other way. Sometimes it's kind of a miserable place to be
emotionally. Not all the time, just when you see a direction you want to
go, but you just can't quite take a solid step in that direction. Most times
though, the titanium armor aids in having fun, being care-free and not
worrying about the future or the "what ifs." I'm not a pessimistic person by
nature, so negative feelings like these really do a number on my psyche. I
know I've written it before, but I'm equally parts pitifully emotional &
rigidly logical. So, there's this constant, painful push & pull between what
I feel like I want to do and what I think I should logically
do...confusing not just to me but all those around me. I fully and
embarrassingly admit, there's no "clear read" on me and whatever is true for
me today, may not be that way tomorrow. Like I said before, I'm a mess. I'm
damaged goods. I'm a life-worn. I just hope one day, someone that truly cares
about me, can break this hard shell and free me from my weak and ridiculous fear
of the unknown, my self-made psychological prison. A tall order, I know.
Frankly, I know I can't count on that. So, I'll concentrate all my energy on
fixing myself and not wait for someone to help fix me. Really, no one
could anyway. It's my pretty mess. My albatross. My cross to bear. My main man
Tahiti told me to stop writing sad blogs but I just can't seem to stop! The
good thing is, almost immediately after literarily purging my sadness
here, I start to feel better. I think I'm just in my blue period.
All The Greats have blue periods (I'm clearly
not suffering from low self esteem as you can see). See? It's working
already.
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