Originally posted on Wed 8/15/2007, 4:18 PM
This is an entry
about a person that will probably never read this, still this entry is a
dedication. So, a person I love very much is going through a very difficult
divorce right now. I think most of the pain stems from the fact that as a
man, he is far above regular (even high) standards that are set
for men but still, she does not want him. He's the kind of guy that most woman
dream about, he's ridiculously gorgeous, he believes in and takes on the
"traditional" role of a man (his woman works if she wants to), he
cooks (wonderfully), decorates the house (inside and out)...and still she
does not want him. She, on the other hand, is a mediocre (at best), extremely
self-absorbed, lazy and not too bright (obviously). But what can I say? We all
love who we love, sometimes without rhyme or reason. I tell you now,
without "fabrication", that I love this man so much. I ache for him. I want to
absorb his pain (like John Coffee in the movie The Green Mile). I
want to whisk him away from it all and hug him tightly and tell him that it will
be okay. But at the same time, I want to take him by both shoulders, shake the
crud out him and scream (as loud as I can) in his face, "Get over
it AND her, you're so much better than she is, WAKE UP!" (it's
true too) But I know I can't do that and even if I were inclined to do it,
it wouldn't matter anyway, he needs to fight that battle on his own. Frankly,
I've been in similar situations. You know "the situations" I mean, those
relationships in which you seem to give a lot more than you get, you're never
appreciated (until you're gone), you're taken for granted...blah, blah,
blah. Then, a few years back I decided to take on and worry about only
those things I had control over and leave the rest to rot. As it turns out,
the only thing I have control over is myself. Before my epiphany, I used
to tear myself up by trying to figure out why a relationship didn't work out
when I was trying my best. Does it really matter why when you're truly
doing your best? I feel like I'm a genuinely caring and loving person and I
don't mind showing affection. But that can be a double-edged sword. On one hand,
you're lavishing affection on this person and he (or she) erroneously
thinks they are deserving, when you just love them for no special reason.
Then on the other hand, by not being the person you want to be, freely loving
who you love, you're cheating yourself out of loving and caring for someone
very deeply (which can be a great feeling). That used to be me, affectionate but
not easily coaxed into admitting that I'm smitten with someone
(verbally). Then, I decided to put myself squarely in between the two
extremes. I love with an open heart (and mouth) but I never forget
that no one is worth feeling bad over. If you and I are in a relationship
together and you ever tell me, maybe in a fit of anger, that you don't
want to have anything to do with me anymore (whether it's true or
not), you'll never need to repeat it. I take what you say to me at
your face value and let you worry about the rest. If I love you, I'll tell you
with no problem because I'm telling you with an open and honest heart (no
hidden agendas). I'm not gaining anything by keeping those good feelings
(about you) to myself but if I tell you, you may gain something too.
However, if you don't want me or find that you love me but are too prideful to
admit it and are afraid you'll be seen as weak by saying so, then you'll
irreversibly change the love I felt for you. They'll be no arguing from
me, no questions "why", no tearful declarations for appreciation or requests for
explanations. I'm not saying it's not going to hurt me when things fall apart,
I'm just saying that it won't (and shouldn't) hurt for
long-I think I've written
that before. I'm going to take
on and worry about only those things I have control over. I'll go knowing
that I did what I could, I told you how I felt and I was the very best woman
(person) I could be. If all that isn't enough, then I don't want you
(anymore). And the very moment I don't want you anymore, I don't
love you anymore either. For me, it's like a light switch that can't be turned
back on once it's turned off. Don't get me wrong, this way of
being has been MANY years in the making. Many years of crying
fits, jealous fits, no eating or sleeping, too much eating or sleeping and
depression. However, I've been blessed enough to ultimately conclude that I have
to logically think through my emotional issues. For instance, if he has his eye
on someone else, what is crying and begging going to do really? If I talk
him into being with me and not her, am I really getting the prize? Do I have to
watch and worry about him every time a beautiful woman walks by him? If I'm
doing all I can and he still doesn't appreciate me, what will asking him
to appreciate me really do for me? If I talk him into staying when he says he
wants to leave, how long will he stay? Take on and worry about only those things
you have control over. In relationships, I always try to remember that I can't
control him, I can't make him love or appreciate me! I live by that old
prayer/saying, "Lord, give me the
strength to accept the things I cannot change and change the things I can and
give me the wisdom to know the difference." Accepting and
believing that, has sincerely changed my life. I'm no angel (not even
close)...I don't really like going to church or gospel music, I don't have much
patience with difficult people and I'm constantly trying to keep my sexual urges
and bad moods to myself. But I'm truly working on those things and I actually
see improvements in myself. I think when you do your best, to be as good as you
can be, things just fall into place. And I'm not talking about "fake" being
good...smiling in someone's face and talking about them behind their
back (or secretly wishing failure on them). That's just foolishly holding on to
negative energy (not good for your complexion or soul). I know
that controlling everything (or anyone) around me simply isn't possible, I want
him to know that too. I want to say to him,"Happily be the wonderful person
you are but accept that not everyone will appreciate you and those that don't,
drop them and never look back!" I want to tell him, you and myself,
that it's okay to put your heart on the line sometimes. Sure, you may end up
with a broken heart (more than once) but you may gain something far
superior...true happiness. For me, the risk is usually worth the
reward. Anyway, my heart aches for this person that I love because
he's having a hard time accepting the reality of his situation. I sincerely
believe that once he "let's go", God will drop something wonderful (and
unexpected) in his lap. But first, he needs to make sure his lap (and heart)
is freed up enough to accept it.
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