Originally Posted on October 25, 2011
I'm grateful for a clear morning. 😊 The fog yesterday morning was that of horror movie severity. For most of my ride to work, I could literally only see a few feet in front of my headlights. Being the chronic Leadfoot Lucy I am, I hardly let ridiculously poor visibility change anything. 🥶 And though I pushed through the dense fog like a foolhardy daredevil😈, I can honestly say that my heart beat so hard and fast that it felt like it would burst out of my chest. 🫀 I even noticed an almost as crazy speed-demon using me as the vehicular fog-tester, as they stayed dangerously close to my bumper. 😳 I was one inconveniently placed stalled car away from speedbilly heaven. 😵 Every time I got to a place where I could see more than 10 feet in front of me, I made an audible sigh of relief. 😮 I was almost to work when it dawned on me that my action adventure, practically suicidal morning drive, is a metaphorical parallel to the way I'm living life nowadays.
Flashback to a few days ago at work. I had a quaint little visit with a dual decade friend. 😕 While there is tons of history between us, recent months have been really rollercoastery. 🙁 As I sat and listened to all the wonderful things he did and does for all his other friends, I thought to myself I'm not sure I could count on him to be like that for me. 😒 I have always regarded him as one of my very best friends but there have been times recently that I could have used one measly word of encouragement from him and he was nowhere to be found. 🧍🏾♀️ Of course, that forced me to reexamine all significant relationships in my life. 🧐 Who REALLY can be counted on when the chips are down? Who would put aside petty pride to see you through your time of need? Who are the ones that can truly see things outside their own little world? 🖕🏾 And I'm not talking about someone that should sit and listen to a barrage of whining, cry baby complaints and general patheticness...because I wouldn't do that either. Save that garbage for the city dump. ⛔ In the end, it's up to me pull myself out of the doldrums of an unhappy existence. ♥ Nobody else but me. I know that. But it sure is nice to know that you have somebody that will truly have your back, no matter what. Thankfully, I have a precious little group of such people, just not all the ones you'd expect.
Flash forward to my mindset post primary care visit yesterday afternoon. Just like my doctor's visit a month ago, my medical prognosis was not good at all. 👩🏾⚕️ It seems I've done myself a grave disservice by deciding to internalize everything for the sake of seeming brave. 😖 My heart feels as if it will beat right out of my chest every time I start to think about all the negativity around me. 🥵 Every night for months now, I lay in bed still as a statue,trying desperately to slow my heart rate down. 🫀 Nothing seems to work. As my examination yesterday concluded, I have a dangerously high heart rate which I now have to be medicated for, in addition to several other stress-related illnesses. 😖 I have to go to another check-up in two months plus schedule a stress test with a cardiologist. Stress test, how aptly named. 😫 I eat better now, drink a lot less and even exercise (yeah, ME) and still I'm living my life like I'm dangerously pushing through an intense fog, not knowing what to expect next and worrying the whole way. I don't dare cry for fear of opening up the floodgates and not being able to close them. 😭 I haven't really cried for months and I probably won't for several more. 😢 I'm hoping that some random art projects and a couple more pathetic blogs will help me relieve some of my anxiety.
So what's the conclusion of this sordid story of stress and cardiovascular strain? 🫀 Decompress by disengaging. While I'm all for forgiveness for the repentant, I'm also a huge proponent of cutting out all elective toxicity. 🤢 I don't care who you are; family, friend or fog, I mean, foe. 🤭 If you take out more than you put in, I'm cutting all emotional attachment to you. If you are a malignant growth on my psyche, you'll forever be a complete "non issue" to me. 😒 I can't keep carrying this weight while waiting for a fairytale ending that simply isn't going to happen. So to echo the sentiment of the first sentence of this entry, I'm grateful for a clear morning. 😊 I'm done being angry. I'm done carrying the weight of the self-centered few on top of my knotted up shoulders. I'm done trying to repair irreparable relationships. I'm really done. 🤥 After months of worry, doctor appointments and discontent, I'm positive that 'being done' is the way to go because my heart tells me so, literally. ❤
I guess I’m saying that being a broken bird isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it can be quite beautiful if you choose it to be. Being a broken bird can transform your challenging character complexities into someone courageous and unique. 💯 (Yep, I’m really saying that about myself. 😁) Now off I go to embark on the treacherous terrain of human emotion, struggle and rebirth. 
……..I know, I know, that was pretty cheesy. 
Damn…this was a lot more morose than I intended. ☹ I’m really very sorry about that y’all. I guess I need to work a little more on myself before I decide to pen another “delightful” entry like this one. 🥴 Well, either that or next time I’ll write about what it was like to find out that Santa Claus isn’t real and how I felt when my first dog died. 😬 Yeah, that’ll be a real cheerful read for the family. Sad. How can I fix this melancholy mess? 🤔 Oh! I know! 😄 