Originally posted on July 21, 2008
I wasn’t blessed with perfect skin, sleek facial features or an athletic build (or the will power to make it athletic). My attributes are perhaps more cerebral in nature and a little harder to see with the naked eye but they’re significant nonetheless. Furthermore, I haven’t done myself a disservice by rigidly being attracted to only one type of person. My ‘types’ vary to extreme degrees and change as needed. I truly appreciate the fact that there are many types of people that have their own unique qualities (and experiences) to offer and share. The type of man I’m attracted to one week, doesn’t necessarily have to carry over into the next week and rarely does, but I think that’s a good thing. I think it’s good to constantly reevaluate what different people can offer in the realm of romance. I would never lock myself into a box by making hard-and-fast rules in love. So, why is it so hard for me to find that right match? Hopefully, as a person ages and matures intellectually, they realize that the type of person they want at 22, wouldn’t necessarily be the right fit at 32. I fully understand all that but I still feel so incredibly lost right now. I’m not sure how I’ll find my way back to a happy place (romantically) either. It never fails, just when you think you have it all figured out, just when you feel you’ve found a good match, just when it all starts to make sense…it all falls apart. Sometimes, you don’t even know why it fell apart, sometimes you do. Sure, there are certainly those times when a break-up seems inevitable, even preferable, but not always. As you well know by now, I go through waves of complete understanding and then complete confusion, sometimes within the same week and without any warning at all. Is there anybody out there that truly ‘gets’ me? Is there anybody out there that appreciates me? Should love or simple compatibility be this hard to find? It can’t be, it just can’t be! At least, it shouldn’t be, if you’re a good and loving person that is. I know I have problems but even on my worst days, I know I’m mostly good and immensely loving. I’m not psycho (anymore), I’m not jealous or possessive (anymore) and I even have really good hygiene. Dang, what’s the problem?! I know I can be stubborn sometimes but mostly, I’m very adaptable and willing to change those things about myself that make me a better woman. I’ve done that (changed and improved myself) many, many times over. I’m sure I’ll change many more times before it’s all said and done. Ask anyone that knew me when I was 22 and still knows me now (there are a few still around). I’m certain they’ll agree that I’m a much better and very different woman now, than I was then. In my opinion, unrelenting negative personality traits are born out of utter insecurity. I know I can be insecure, just like anyone else, but I’m not a slave to my insecurities (anymore). I treat insecurity like a treatable illness that can infect anyone, at any stage in life but you can learn great lessons from it. And most importantly, you can become a stronger person because of it. Still, I’m so frustrated and confused right now, that I don’t know anything else to do but to write. Writing helps me think. So, here I write. This perfect (for now) union, this relationship, this cosmic connection I write of, wouldn’t even have to be a forever thing. In fact, it would be better if ‘forever’ wasn’t a suffocating requirement. Who wants that kind of pressure anyway? You know I don’t. The dismantling of the Soviet Union…The breaking down of The Berlin Wall…The retirement of Michael Jordan…The cancellation of Star Trek…The break up of PPT…The closing of the Chicken Ranch Whorehouse…All grand (sometimes wonderful) things must come to an end. And so it is with romance. Maybe I’m looking at all this the wrong way. Maybe longstanding romantic love continues to elude me because I’m meant for something far greater. I guess you never know. Perhaps I’m meant to save the world and romance would only serve to distract me from my true and noble purpose. Perhaps I’m the ‘beacon of light’ for a peaceful world and a greater tomorrow. Perhaps, I will reign over The Universe and become the greatest leader the world has ever known! Wow, that would be so freakin’ cool! Yeah right, and golden-winged baby unicorns will fly out of my butt.
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