Originally posted on 6/4/2009
Current mood: blah
Category: Life /
I'm
entering another self-imposed state of solitary confinement. I don't even have a
real direction or point as I write this entry. I'll just keep typing until I
make some sense, which could very well be never if you know my
personality. 👽 I only know my sore social muscles need a well-deserved
break. I'm putting myself in a "time-out" for the time being. 😞 I feel like I've been going nonstop for several weeks now
and I just don't have that seemingly endless stamina anymore. Of course
the fact that Aunt
Flo came a
full 5 days before schedule this month, only exacerbate matters. 😡 I make no apologies for how I feel because it's real and
honest and thankfully, it's also temporary. If I'm given the opportunity to
recharge without having to deal with someone else's imminent emergency, I'll be
fantastic! But that hasn't been good enough lately, everyone wants something
from me and they want it now! Well at the moment, I'm just not up to giving
anymore of myself than I can realistically afford, which isn't much. I hope I'll
still have friends once this period of blahness has passed. 🙁 I consider myself a very intelligent woman and I know I'm in
no condition to engage myself socially, when I know in my heart it's not what I
feel like doing. ♥My
communication with the world at large, outside of the occasional e-mail, has
been severely limited lately. In almost all cases, I'd rather text than
talk but communication through texting alone doesn't seem to be as
popular with my peeps as I'd hoped it would be. 🙁 I've had my cell phone ringer off for at least
7 straight days. I kid you not. If I happen to see that someone is calling,
I may answer it. However, if there are no obvious visual signs that someone has
called with an urgent matter, I'll get to it when I get to it. In my opinion,
part of healthy self-awareness is knowing where your weaknesses are and mine
right now, are dealing with outside communication. 🤚🏾When I feel like this, I only let a few people into "my
world". My birthday is now less than a month away, so maybe this current
solitary state is a bit more complex than usual but I have no real proof of
that. 😐 In actuality, I'm happy about turning a year older but I'm
not sure I want to share that happiness with everyone else. (Except for an
honored few) 🫂 Despite how I'm making it seem now, I can honestly say that
most things are going pretty good for me, with the exception of my glaring lack
of long term romantic prospects. I wished I could say that I hope to soon get my
romantic life back on track but to be completely frank, it's never really been
on track and I couldn't give a frog's fat azz about that right now anyway. 😒 My only concern right now is fulfilling my obligations and I
don't even have to enjoy doing it. I just feel incredibly blah. I just
want to escape to a private island somewhere and live inside my mind for a
while. 🏖 You may not know this but my mind is a very interesting place
to be and when I'm there, I can stop playing with everyone anytime I wish
without fear of hurting someone's feelings. I don't know if other women go
through this but I'm sure they do. I can only speak for myself though. We women
are expected to be "the rock" that holds everything together and most times we
do just that. Dealing with day-to-day life and being strong, capable and
successful while you do it, is an absolutely exhausting endeavor. Perhaps most
women don't admit when they're emotionally exhausted but I'm loudly screaming
"Uncle!" Dude,
I need a break! 😬 Yesterday was much harder than today. I was 'so done'
yesterday that it isn't even funny, no matter how many clever observations I
painfully inject into it. In fact yesterday morning at work, I had almost no
reaction at all when I heard a couple of my co-workers shriek and scramble away
from their desks. 😒 I had
absolutely no idea what was going on and didn't care either. The initial
shriekers sit just one row over from me and even then, I couldn't even muster
enough energy to walk away from my desk to see what all the commotion was about.
I just kept typing away as the hysteria spread to my row and the surrounding
cubicles. I'd even heard someone on my row yell (as she stood on top of her
desk); "What's
happening?! What's going on?!" But I
just kept typing. 😒 Finally someone yells, "She has
a huge cockroach in her office!" I was
unenthusiastically relieved it wasn't a rat or mouse but I doubt even the
appearance of a rodent could snap me out of my blah trance. 😒 As the estrogen-laden screams spread, I finally stood up and
peered over my wall to see the new guy in our department go to each of the desks
on the row over, to find and kill the indigent cockroach. I was relieved that I
didn't have to step into the fray, not because I was scared, I just didn't have
the energy to care much. 😑 I thought to myself, 'It's
under control. He'll find it and kill it.'
I sat
back down and continued to type. I'm usually the one designated to kill bugs in
our department but since he's new and one of the only guys in our area, I was
happy to pass that torch to him. 😐 As the growing commotion continued, I stayed in my chair;
calm and collected. Not even 2 minutes after deciding to simply put on my
earphones and ignore the scared scrambling, 😒 I see
in my peripheral that the mutant roach was headed straight for my chair. By the
time I bothered to turn my head toward the movement on the carpet, he was only
about 2 feet away from my chair. I don't make one peep as I stand up, step on it
and smash the pest to a virtual smear. 🪳 The super roach still had a little fight left in him, so I
gave him one more good stomp with all my weight. As you can imagine, that did
it. 👟 After
my brave kill, I hadn't uttered a word, so everyone was still abuzz as they
wondered where the *bleep* that clever roach was hiding. The poor new guy
was still searching for him and the concern grew noticeably louder and louder. I
finally gather enough energy to yell over my wall, "He's
over here. I just killed him." The
new guy looks over the walls at me, perplexed (we're both pretty tall).
Almost every woman was positively puzzled as I delivered the news in my new
monotone manner. 🥱😒 So much so, that no one even believed I'd actually killed the
roach. My co-workers yell to me, "No you
didn't!"
(from
some) and
"N-uh!"
(from
others). I
calmly reply, "Yes I
did. He's dead." Before
I could even make my way to the break room for paper towels to pick up his
squashed remains, I had about 5 women at my cubicle opening to confirm my
assertion. I think they were confused after the confirmation of the death by my
unemotional attitude. 😐 They
all went back to their desks relieved, so I was happy I could help them with
that without exerting much energy to do so. Even today at work, I didn't even
react as yesterday's celebratory birthday balloons were loudly popped throughout
the morning without warning (which usually scares me to death.) 🎈💥 As catatonically unconcerned as this entry seems, I'm not
completely unconcerned. I'm 'happy' that today is better than yesterday and feel
confident that tomorrow will be better than today, that's hardly what I'd
consider "unconcerned." 😑 In
some instances, I'd even consider myself to be a little gleeful. After going to
the doctor Monday, I learned that I've only gained between 6 to12 pounds since
I've been at my smallest (which isn't that small). That's really good news to me
because I know I could lose 6 to12 pounds with a good dump. Since my reserves of
energy are being occupied by simply maintaining, it's good to know
I could lose 6 to12 pounds with laxative pills and a full glass of water. 🚽 Exercise is for suckers! 🤭 I just need to keep chugging along. Don't worry y'all, I
know what I'm doing...sort of. I have stacks of calls and messages to
return but I know I need to wait until I'm in a better frame of mind before I do
it. My friends may feel a little neglected at the moment but since I know most
of them are true friends, I'm sure they'll understand. If not, I can always
change my name to Fem-Ex™; the
brave female super hero that exterminates giant cockroaches in a single bound
(or two). Fem-Ex™ lives
her life in relative isolation because no one understands her pensive
personality or her penchant for passive bug-killing. Or maybe I'll just wait for
Aunt
Flo to
make her emotionally erratic exit and my hormones to return to a normal level. 🙁 I'm
sure I'll feel better then. Being a woman is complicated, exhausting, consuming,
wonderful and my cross to bear but I wouldn't want it any other way. Besides, if
I can kill huge bugs without muttering a sound, I'm sure I can get through this
without intensive therapy or prescriptions meds. Thankfully, Midol and laxative
pills are available over the counter. See? Things are already looking up. 👍🏾
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