Originally posted March 13, 2009 - Friday
Current mood: confident
Category: Romance and Relationships
This
won’t be an easy entry to write because I hate revealing my vulnerabilities, but
we’re all friends here right? I won’t lie or sugarcoat, a few days last week
were grotesquely emotionally-draining and some of the roughest I’ve had in a
very long time. My usually robust ego was reduced to that of a fragile
china teacup. The
harsh winds (and words) of reality are tough to face but painfully necessary at
times. I’d been disappointed that I hadn’t been able to properly channel my
recent passionate pursuits to those I’d previously fallen out of favor with. To
be totally honest, I wanted to go back in time for a bit. I wanted to rediscover
those relationships that I thought hadn’t reached their full potential. Those
I wondered about, aren’t all the usual suspects either. These were the
ones I didn’t want to admit I missed until this very day. I’d secretly hoped
that my next passionate affair would be with someone I’d already known in the
‘biblical’ sense. Admittedly,
I hadn’t really invested much time or effort in those past passion partners
recently but that didn’t mean that I wouldn’t have (eventually). I suppose my
new philosophy and approach to the realm of romance had been based mostly on
laziness. The
thought of embarking on a new romantic adventure without knowing the outcome,
was emotionally daunting and a little intimidating…even for me.
Learning about someone new seemed like too much work. Sometimes, it
seems easier to go with what you know (or what you think
you know). However,
it isn’t long before you’re reminded why the partnership didn’t work in the
first place. Relationships shouldn’t be hard work. To me, the person worth
sticking around for is someone I want to be around, someone I think about when
they aren’t with me. I want someone good-natured, fun, positive, loving,
appreciative and easy to love. ♥ Basically, someone like me. I’d
temporarily forgotten that I hadn’t crossed paths with many that possessed those
attributes. And that, more than not being able to rekindle any
type of fling with any one specific individual, was a much more
heartbreaking fact to face. Last
week, I moped a lot, cried a little and eventually pulled myself up by my
bootstraps (with the help of my wonderful sister). After a rough few days
last week, I made myself go out on the town, even though I didn’t really feel
like it at first. When I was out, there were those that could see a sadness in
my eyes that I couldn’t conceal, no matter how hard I tried. Sad or not, I had
to do my best to put aside what I couldn’t change and change what I could. My
game plan was to dump disappointment to focus on fun and friends. It
wasn’t long before enthusiastic optimism kicked disillusioned
disappointment’s raggedy azz! The
old ‘fake it till you make it’ approach seemed to do wonders for
my fragile emotional state. After letting go of my sadness, I’d just about
forgotten those horrible days from last week. It was almost like those days
never even happened after being around great people that love and appreciate me
just as I am-as flawed as I may be. Thankfully,
in short order, I was also able to accept that my future is in front of me, not
behind me…no matter how scary that prospect is. My next great love is quite
possibly someone I’ve never had lip-to-lip contact with before?
Scary!
Intriguing! Exciting! Going
out last Saturday and Sunday night helped me forget the few hurtful days of last
week and focus on what’s in front of me; The
Ambiguous Unknown.
Interestingly,
this morning I read my love horoscope for today and it read; “Things
have changed since you and the ex split up. He or she has established new
relationships and flirtations with others who don't come with the baggage. This
puts you definitely lower on the totem pole. So if you're thinking about
rekindling this romance, don't.” Ouch.
But
who wants to be low on the totem pole? Definitely not me! Those few words were
that last little push I needed to go in a different direction. Those
few words were the sign I’d been waiting for but afraid to read. Whether
today’s horoscope actually applies to my particular situation or not, my path
seems a little clearer now than it did last week. I’m not the prettiest
or the ‘finest’ and I’m nowhere near perfect but I am perfect for
someone. I’ve
always known my oddities aren’t necessarily negative, just a little hard to be
understood by the masses. I’ve
also always known that I don’t have to be understood to be
appreciated. Each
day this week, I’ve gained more mental momentum and the true elasticity of my
self-esteem was revealed. A solid sense of self-confidence has returned and put
me back in control of my own destiny. I control my own future, I’m not giving
that power away to anyone else. That would be just plain stupid and I’d like to
think that I’m far from stupid. So
after all that heartache last week, my robust ego was reestablished when
I realized that those that don’t appreciate my uniqueness, aren’t reflections of
my shortcomings but their own. How’s
that for the return of sweeping self-assurance? All
the nonbelievers can stick their doubts where the sun don’t shine.
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