Originally posted March 6, 2009 - Friday
Current mood: triumphant
Category: Life
Yesterday
was a real struggle for me. The underlying theme of the day was ‘Deliver me
from this agony!’ I was sleepy, exhausted, cranky and quite possibly on the
brink of violence. I entertained not writing this entry after my last ‘Susie
Sunshine’ entry but I’m an expressive woman with complex emotions. What better
release than to blog about it? I
think that the combination of anxious anticipation over Aunt Flo’s next visit,
going to karaoke Wednesday night and making it to work before 6AM that next
morning, put me in a awkward state of flux. I couldn’t focus on complicated,
detail-oriented tasks because I was using all my concentration on not blinking
too much or for too long. I was convinced that my dry eyeballs would most
certainly force my eyelids to stay shut without any conscious effort from me. I
was a straight mess. My
own careless, self-inflicted bout of exhaustion had put me in another funk. So,
I started my drive home from work yesterday with a mission; Get home safely and
try not to kill anyone with my ridiculous road rage in the process. The
sweet stylings of The Eurythmics couldn’t even foil my foul mood.
Then,
about half way on my drive home, a chick on a motorcycle pulled up next to me
while I was stopped at a light. I glanced over at her and noticed through the
clear part of her helmet, that she was probably in her 50s or so. It’s not
everyday that I see a chick on a chopper but I’d seen it before. For some reason
though, seeing her yesterday made me smile almost uncontrollably. She
wasn’t what one would immediately consider pretty by most unevolved ‘worldly’
standards but to me, she was absolutely beautiful. At first, I was mostly
impressed that she’d passed me several times after our “meeting” at the light
because I’m the original Ms. Leadfoot. Every time she did though, I smiled a
little bigger. She,
a complete stranger that I’d never exchanged one word with, unknowingly
brightened my crumby day by doing what she probably does everyday. That
seemingly impossible and indeliberate feat made her unbelievably beautiful to
me. While we shared the road and long after we parted ways, my smile remained.
I
guess I zoomed in on something (her) and let it take me to a place I didn’t
think I could go at that moment (happiness). I didn’t try to hold on to my
exhaustion or frustration or all the stuff that went wrong that day. I let
myself be happy because, well, I just wanted to. Every feeling and
emotion-change doesn’t have to make sense to anybody but you. I’m a pretty
unconditional lover of people in general but I can’t always manage it. As
silly as it sounds, I love her. ❤ She’ll
never know my affection for her and it wouldn’t be necessary anyway. The fact
is, she reminded me that I can take what I want out of any situation. Sometimes,
the outcome is squarely within my control. What starts off bad doesn’t have to
remain that way. I think that sentiment is true in life and love. In a
strange way, being content or contemptuous is contagious.
It’s
so funny, I think back to my very first blogs and then to my most recent ones,
and I’m amazed by my transformation. You
are bearing witness to my wild emotional journey. It would be my hope to help
someone else by my upfront emotional openness but if I don’t, I don’t. So what?
That doesn’t make my transformation any less significant. This journey is mine
alone to take. You
probably won’t remember this but back when I was a kid, magazines had ads for
cigarettes. I’ve never been remotely intrigued by smoking, I think it’s a filthy
habit. But I used to LOVE the old ads for Virginia Slim cigarettes in the
women’s magazines. The ads would show old pictures of women, like in the pioneer
days or something, sneaking a cigarette when they should’ve been behaving “prim
and proper”. The
catch phrase/sales pitch for those ads would have been absolutely brilliant if
they were directed at a healthier habit. The catch phrase/sales pitch for the
old Virginia Slim® cigarettes was simply; “You’ve
Come A Long Way Baby!”
Boy,
ain’t that the ever-loving truth!?!? But worry not my sweet people, I’m sure
there are many more sad, sulky and slanderous blogs still left in me. After all,
Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither was I.
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