Originally posted on 3/4/2009
Current mood: ecstatic
Category: Life
I struggled a
bit this morning. For some odd reason, I took it upon myself to polish off
almost a whole bottle of wine last night. I don’t drink much during the week
anymore, so last night was particularly perplexing for that reason alone. I
don’t drink when I’m sad either, so I must have been REALLY happy last night.
Of course it
doesn’t help that we have enough wine in our house to open our own wine shop. On
sis and I’s last wine run, we ran across a wine that we’d tried on our wine run
before that (in which he bought 14 bottles). On our most recent visit,
that same wine was on sale again so we bought 3 cases of it. Yes, you read that
right…3 whole unopened cases, 12 bottles per case. At that excellent price, we
decided to stack up. I don’t even care that it tastes like I would imagine pig
swill to taste. Most folks drink for the feeling, not the flavor
anyway. Also, I hate having empty spaces in my wine racks. But at this rate of
consumption, I’ll be dealing with empty spaces soon enough. C’est la
vie! Over the last
few weeks, my laptop had been giving me major problems and I was suffering
majorly because of it. It was
probably for the best because I was slowing turning into Sandra Bullock’s
character (Angela Bennett) from the movie The Net. Like her, I was
practically chained to my computer (laptop) without any real desire for human
contact. Unlike Sandra’s svelte physique in that movie though, I’d imagine that
my physique would be likened to that of Jabba The Hutt if I didn’t have
to leave the house for work everyday. Being
laptopless had other positive effects too. My involuntary plunge into
internet nothingness forced me to look inward and reflect. I should be
grateful for the opportunity for intimate introspection and not rely on outside
forces to “complete” me. To my surprise, my inward reflection confirmed that I
am indeed a control freak, an unattractive trait I thought I’d long since
abandoned. The good news is that this new control freak behavior
is directed to only 3; me, myself and I, no one else. As much as I
hate to admit it, I’m not superhuman. And though I have my superhero clothes on
underneath my street clothes (metaphorically 'speaking'), I have emotions like
everyone else. I have come to realize that you can’t control getting sad or
upset about what someone’s done or said to you *but* you can
control your reaction to it. If you try, you can control the lingering effects
of emotional upset because the more you give in to it, the more control you’re
giving up to that undeserving person or unfortunate circumstance. I want all my
control for myself! I guess I’m just selfish that way. I’m finding
that now, I’m constantly giving myself internal pep talks to control my wayward
emotions and once tyrannical temperament. It’s extremely hard sometimes but it
gets easier everyday. That easy going way of being may come naturally to
some but I don’t think I was born with that innate ability. Thankfully, it’s
fast becoming a permanent part of my personality though. Actually, I take that
back, an easy going nature is probably very natural to me, I’d just been too
scared to implement it for fear of losing my 'edge'. I see now
that being one thing, doesn’t necessarily automatically make you another.
I’m seeing
the fruits of my labor and understanding that serene emotional security can also
occur in a person with a fiery personality. / I’ve not yet
fully uncovered all of my inter-workings, it would take a lifetime, maybe more.
I’ve stated this before and it’s still true; I am tangled web of contradictions.
I am the Yin *and* Yang. I am the sun *and* moon. I am feminine
*and* masculine. I am demure *and* bold. I am fire *and*
water. I am also full of crap! Thanks to my
new best friend Nanor, my laptop is in perfect working order again, so I
can once again tell that uppity inward reflection and intimate introspection
shit to go take a long walk off a short pier. Viva la
Nanor! Viva la laptop!
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