Originally posted on 1/19/2010
Current mood: stalked
Category: Life
I'm always
flabbergasted by people's honesty in these blogs, myself included. Usually
hushed-mouthed folks reveal their innermost secrets, insecurities and heartbreak
for the whole world to read here. As you know, I've never censored myself here. People that know me personally can attest to the fact that
what I write here is 100% true. Remember a few weeks ago when I told you
about that crazy bitch who found my name & number in her man's phone and
called me to find out what my role in his life was? Well, I think
I'm dealing with a cyber version of that
exact same chick. Not the same chick, just the same type. Aside from the
gut feeling I'm getting, which is usually spot-on, she's also leaving blatantly
obvious and badly-contrived internet "breadcrumbs" for me to
follow. My intuition tells me that she thinks we're in
competition for the same man. What she fails to realize is that there is
no competition...never was, never will be. I'm not claiming that she's "no competition" because
she looks like someone mercilessly & repeatedly smacked her in the face with
a 56 pound mackerel for 42 straight minutes. (Which is
true.) Hey, looks aren't everything and no one understands that
better than me. Personally, I've always considered my own 'beauty' to be more of
an acquired taste, not necessarily appreciated by everyone. I'm saying she's
no competition because I would never compete for a man. I
would never stoop to the level of an insecure, facially-challenged cyber-stalker
in order to "win over" someone. If I'm dealing with someone in the first place,
they damn well ought to be "won over" already, otherwise, why would I
even bother? Moreover,
I would never be attracted to a person that would be
attracted to that type of person. If the presumed 'object
of my affection' was attracted to someone so clingy, petty and unstable, he
could never fully appreciate my cleverly complicated and fiercely
independent inter-workings. If she, someone so utterly opposite from me, could turn the
head of my possible passion partner, then I would be instantly & permanently
un-attracted to him. Poof! Just like that.
I'd have to
honestly ask myself, what kind of man would want someone so devoid of substance?
Not my kind of guy, that's for sure. I'm not just saying that to seem superior,
though it could argued by many that I am, it's the absolute truth. Suddenly becoming un-attracted to
someone would be like that instantaneous gag-reflex you get when you see
something you find utterly disgusting. I hate that kind of drama. Silly women give me gas and exploding diarrhea. Just like the silly phone-stalker, this silly cyber-stalker's
immature "baiting" will inspire no reply from me, except here.
I've always been of the opinion that if a woman has to go to
such extraordinary lengths to uncover the role of "the other woman",
her actual role in his life must be quite insignificant. But the overly anxious antics of an insecure & immature
fish-faced girl could
NOT eclipse my joy today. After the repeated toils of toilet trouble I'd been
experiencing lately, I was finally able to enjoy the coveted honor of being the
first user of a freshly-cleaned stall this morning. I can't properly convey to
you the intense joy of being the first one to break apart that new roll of
toilet tissue or of being the first one to pee over that clean, soapy water. Heaven! I'm probably one of the most self-managed and low maintenance
people you'll ever meet. (Except for my insane co-dependence on
Sis). Truthfully, it really doesn't take much to make me happy
and life's little pleasant pleasures, like a sparkling clean john, is just one
of them. Okay, enough toilet talk for now. On to other things. In an effort to remain totally upfront with you, I want to
confess to you that I am troubled today. For some
inexplicably random reason, my hairline is beginning to change. I kid you not,
my hairline is starting to spontaneously cover my ample forehead. It suddenly
started happening about a month ago but I have no clue why. I'm not sure if ¹ it's some
strange, side-effect of (slightly) advanced age or ² that I'm
actually "getting younger" and my body is reversing the physical effects of age
which prompted a spike in hair growth. Yeah, I think it's that second one
too. Sis says our
mother had the same thing when she was a teenager and that it was one of the
attributes that attracted my dad to her but I've never shown any
signs of this trait until recently. I've thoroughly examined my diet, facial products and
lifestyle but I can find no reason for my advancing hairline. I was even
more worried yesterday, while plucking my eyebrows, that my hairline seems to be
mere millimeters from touching the ends of my eyebrows! I'm even getting "girl sideburns" and that slightly
terrifies me. Will this stop, or do I need to consider taking a position in a
traveling carnival? Sis thinks it's adorable and maybe in some Ripley's
Believe or Not
way, it is.
Plus, I know that I can occasionally be prone to exaggeration even though
my crazy life doesn't need any embellishment. I'd been
complaining to Sis for the last few days that I seem to be morphing into
Cousin It. Or worse, maybe
I'm a werewolf. I know it sounds insane but think about it, werewolves
never know they're werewolves do they? I mean, they probably only ever discover
their grizzly secret from their blood-stained
clothes or muddy shoes the morning after. I mean, I
do hate shaving my legs and pits. I do it only
because...well...I'm a girl and we’re supposed do that stuff. I suppose there's no real cause for alarm just yet. If the
harrowing hair growth stays contained within acceptable female areas, I can
avoid spending my life savings on electrolysis. I can't say that I'm completely shocked by the
late-in-life 'Eddie Munster' I'm getting. I'm a walking
encyclopedia of medical (and mental) oddities. I wish I were
kidding about that but a part of my body actually has been photographed for
medical journals (I won't reveal which part) *AND* I have defied
medically-imposed limits on life itself. Shit, I could
think of worse things to be than a medically-miraculous oddball with a
disappearing forehead, and it starts with the term "fish-faced". Of course if
I start growing a goatee and 'soul patch', a fish-faced chick might be
preferable after all.
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