Originally posted on October 27, 2008 - Monday
Current mood: blah
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
I didn't title this one because I'm not sure what this is. At best, I guess this is just a random collection of thoughts that probably don't bear expressing, but I will anyway. I'm having another one of those challenging days. One of those days in which my role in The Universe is much cloudier than it usually is. Meaningful conversations going on around me sound like white noise or verbal pollution. I don't think I make sense to anybody either. I'm sure to 'them' I'm inaudibly incoherent…like Charlie Brown's teacher (a historical reference for those over 30). I can't seem to complete an idea, thought or sentence. For me, that usually signifies some major change on the horizon (emotional or 'physical'). This is one of those days that are best spent in bed with the covers pulled over my head, reflecting on the meaning of life and my roll in it. However, the annoying habit of eating and paying the mortgage frequently gets in the way of that kind of escapism. I'm having unbelievably vivid fears of all my vital and reproductive organs being riddled with cancer and spontaneously dropping out of my body at will. I also have a reoccurring 'nightmare' in which I break out all my front teeth. My whole ride to work this morning was spent continuously feeling my front teeth with my tongue (to make sure they were still there). Actually, the broken front teeth thing is more of an intense phobia. I mean, that would be a horrible thing to have happen to anybody but the prominent size of my gums would make that particular fate even more visually frightful. I often stare at my feet when I walk, not just because of the groundless fear of my uterus suddenly plummeting to the ground as I gleefully walk along, but from the very real fear of tripping, falling and breaking all of my front teeth out my mouth. My brain waves are so scrambled with so many scary thoughts right now that I'm actually making myself physically exhausted with all the ridiculous scenarios my mind is continuously creating for me. I want my life to be a certain way right now but I'm not sure how or if I have the emotional insight or physically stamina to make it happen, even if I did know how. I'm thinking a Cheez It binge or a nice stiff alcoholic drink might make all the difference in the world but that damn dietary lifestyle change prohibits me from taking those courses of action. My usual jovial spirit was mysteriously absent this morning as I could barely bring myself to smile 'Good Morning' to my co-workers. Whenever possible, I stayed confined to my office and only those common areas in which human interaction would be minimal or limited. Today I didn't want to talk to or look at anybody and I didn't want anybody to talk to or look at me. I just wanted to do my uncanny hermit crab impression, which I've perfected over the years. Some days are just made for quiet personal reflection, today was just such a day for me. But I spent most of it thinking about my fears, actual or imagined. More than a small part of me secretly believes that if I openly chronicle those things I fear most here, they won't actually come to be. It's kind of a literary 'reverse psychology' thing. But that isn't the real story here. The story here is my total disconnection with the world (again). You know I've had plenty 'the world doesn't get me' moments, I'm sure I'll have many more. Somehow though, it feels different this time. I left my phone off all weekend and didn't even bother to bring it with me on most of my weekend excursions. I have yet to check any of my messages or voicemails because I simply didn't have the energy to carry on a polite conversation with anyone, no matter how light. As I eluded earlier, this latest disconnection seems to be tied to something big just over the horizon. I just hope it's good news, my spidey senses tell me it's truly 50/50...which is hardly a telepathic development. All I know is that this feels like the calm before the storm, that confusion that prefaces all grand events. Deep down though, I have an intense fear that my scrambled mind waves will invent something horrible for me. I told you a few entries ago that the brain is an amazing organ that can be responsible inexplicable events. I remember back in high school, one of my very best friends (we'll call her 'Betty') told me she would never, ever have kids. She said it without one moment's hesitation and with wholehearted sincerity too. I asked her why she was so adamant that she never wanted kids when were just in high school and could never know what we'd want as grown-ups. She replied that she knew she didn't want kids because of the labor pains. She told me that the pain would be too much for her and she would probably just 'die' from them. I laughed and told her that many women, not even particularly strong women, had gone through it. Women used to drop babies in the fields when they were working, without benefit of pain meds (though I haven't concrete proof of that). I told her she could do it and she was just being silly and worried for no reason. I dismissed her fear as small, insignificant and profoundly naive. I lost touch with her after we graduated. When I came home from college for a Summer visit, I talked to a mutual friend of ours (Betty and me). I asked her what 'Betty' was doing nowadays. She [the mutual friend] looked at me really strangely and replies; "Didn't you know? Betty died during childbirth a couple of years ago." I was floored. I cried for several hours that day and was torn up for a good long while about it…I still am. Did I take her fear too lightly and dismiss it as groundless because I simply didn't understand it? Was that always to be Betty's fate? Could she do nothing to reverse it? Or, was her death a self-fulfilling prophecy projected by her own mind and intense fear? I mean, if you really believe you're going to die, you could probably find a way to make it happen. Maybe that's the lesson; Believe in good things for yourself and make them happen. Don't let fear, disconnections, misunderstandings and ugliness rule your life (easier said then done). I don't know. I'm still waiting on answers and am no clearer now than I was before writing this entry. Well, I might be a tiny bit clearer. I'll just continue to do what I've reluctantly become an expert at…waiting. So that's it, that's all. No clever conclusions or posh plot twists. I'm just waiting, hoping and praying that I'll soon be able to plug myself back into the world, so I can start completing coherent sentences again. But then again, maybe this feeling isn't as prolific and meaningful as I'm making it out to be. Maybe I'm just in a bad mood. For some reason, completing sentences is not as nearly as appealing to me as kicking somebody (really hard) in the back of their head is. Yep, that sounds more like a run-of-the-mill bad mood to me. Man, what a colossal let-down.
No comments:
Post a Comment