Originally posted on Fri 10/24/2008, 5:36 AM
Current mood: peaceful Category:
Romance and Relationships
Well, the Cheez It withdrawal symptoms seem to have subsided somewhat. One driving force behind that is probably that I'm experiencing significantly less 'waistband spillover' nowadays. I could have even used a belt this morning as I repeatedly (and ungracefully) pulled up my sagging pants throughout the workday. Luckily, my panties matched my slacks perfectly, so an unintentional sagging moment might not be as visually jarring as if I had been wearing two wildly contrasting colors (I've heard embarrassing work horror stories about that). I hate to admit it, but the new 'diet'/lifestyle change is definitely working. Seeing 'improvement' in one major area of concentration can certainly aid in sticking to the plan. Now that my Cheez It problem is at a manageable level, my weakness seems to have transferred itself to the 3-week no-alcohol pledge I'd taken. That weakness was never more evident than this past Saturday night when I was out. I don't think I'd ever fully appreciated just how much more fun it is to dance after you've had something to drink (I hope my niece doesn't read that) but the night still had some notable highlights. By some strange coincidence, three 'ghosts from relationships past' were there that night. Their ages spanned over 27 years (from 25 to 52) and they couldn't be more different in appearance, temperament and my fondness for them either. I suppose having three past partners under one roof at the same time is kinda creepy-cool, if not a little scandalous. The other strange thing is, those exact three had showed up in that exact order I'd been with them. Earlier in the night after my first Ex appeared, my girl jokingly queried, "I wonder which one of your exes will show up next." (She was hoping it would be Ex Lax from many years back but I saw him there the weekend before and didn't expect to see him that weekend too). One by one they trekked in, in perfect order...least desirable to most. It also made me think about the way things ended with each one. None of the endings were exactly amicable in nature but not all ended with irreparable damage either. Of the three, there was only one I was actually happy, surprised and excited to see there that night. I hadn't seen him in a social setting for well over a year, perhaps even closer to two. It would've been nice to have toasted to a happy & friendly reunion with him but that pesky 3-week no-alcohol pledge got in the way. After he realized I wasn't drinking, he stopped drinking too, which was nice. We exchanged pleasant small talk all night, without a glimmer of discussing the not-so-pleasant past, just the good stuff. He seemed to be emerging from a long period spent in solitude, getting his social feet wet again. After voluntarily cutting himself off from family and friends (presumably to concentrate on personal goals), I was glad to be present as he entered social society again, privileged even. Even though he seemed to be a bit uncomfortable 'taking in' the highly entertaining (and a little gutter) nightclub patrons, happily, he stayed much longer than I expected him to. When he got ready to leave, I walked him to his car and we continued the polite small talk. He, in true gallant and "chivalristic" fashion, insisted on driving me back to the nightclub door, even though I told him multiple times that I'd be just fine walking back. While sitting in his car, he amped up his information on what he'd been up to since we were together last and I replied that I really hoped to see him again soon. As I stepped out of his car, he responded with a definitive; "Oh, you definitely will." I (mostly) believed him but I still had that nagging feeling that it could be well over another year before that actually happens. It was right then that I realized just how much I deeply missed his friendship. So, the happiness of seeing him again was suddenly mixed with sadness of not knowing when/if I'd see him again, despite his confident reassurances. Fast forward and abrupt subject change. This morning, every freaking signal light stopped me on my way to work. Generally, I breeze through the lights because of the time of morning I leave for work. I left on time but the lights seemed to intentionally delay me from my usual stress-free trek to work. Funny thing is, every time I'd approach a traffic signal light, I would just know that it was going to stop me. Every single time I stared at the approaching stale green light, knowing in my head and heart that it was going to turn yellow then red in just enough time for me to stop semi-safely...it did. I'm saying to myself, what the hell is going on here? That almost never happens. And you know me, my brain instantly starts hypothesizing about what all this really means. I think to myself, are The Cosmos conspiring to teach me another life lesson? Is it because I'm telling myself that this next signal light is going to stop me, I'm somehow responsible for it actually happening? I don't claim to have Carrie-like telekinetic powers or anything but I know the brain is a remarkable organ and I'm not arrogant enough to think I, or anyone else for that matter, could possibly know all that it's capable of. I also believe that there are cosmic occurrences that sometimes defy logical understanding and explanation. So, I sat at my desk this morning wondering what the message could be. You see, all week (since Saturday night), I'd thought about how glad and sad I was to see my young friend again. I'd made myself sad thinking about how long it took for us to talk again and worried that it would be many moons before we'd reconnect (again). Maybe by not just allowing myself to feel happy to see him again, relieved he's doing good and excited about when we would see each other again, I might be unknowingly sealing my own fate. I might be ridiculously fearing and expecting the worse, and as a reward for my negativity, I'd be getting just that. By not releasing the negative of the unknown, I'm burying the positive of what is. I'm intentionally swapping good for bad. Profound and exquisitely simple isn't it? Still, I can always look forward to knowing that whenever that welcomed re-reunion happens with him (again), thanks to my new diet/lifestyle change, I'll have a much "svelter" physique to show off. See? When you look close enough, things are never as bad as we make them seem sometimes. We can all thank goodness for that.
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