Originally posted on 3/3/2010
Current mood: inspired
Category: Life
If you've been following along, you already know I haven't
been feeling good lately. I wouldn't say that I'm at 100% yet, I'm at about 66%.
I'm trying to
get there though and that's much better than not trying.
I must admit that the love and
support of people who truly care about me, has helped me tremendously. So much so, it's difficult to
contain my emotions on how blessed I feel to have such wonderful people pulling
for me. I don't wanna put anybody on blast but I want
to state to my unwaveringly loving supporters that I love you with all my
heart. Thanks for being there for me and loving me unconditionally.
(You know who you are.)
This wasn't a tear-free day
though. What makes this day different than the days before it, is that there
were sad and glad tears. As I mature, I try not to burden people with my dark
thoughts. I try to let my facial breakouts
and blogs tell the story of my habitually tormented head and heart. Nobody wants to hear/read
negative stuff all the time, I certainly don't. For that reason, I'll make this
entry about the power of inspirationally renewed regeneration, a power of which
I believe I possess in great supply. I've wallowed long enough. It's time to climb out of my rut,
dust myself off and join the living
again. Like the song says,
"I'm a
survivor". (Sorry for the corny song reference. ) This past weekend was particularly eye-opening. In my state of depressed
disorientation, I almost did something I would've greatly regretted
and couldn't have taken back. I wasn't thinking clearly and I
let myself become willfully confused. It's not necessary for me to get
into 'the specifics' of what my near misdeed was but I
feel it's worth acknowledging because I've learned from it. Acting on an unintelligent impulse that would have changed my
life forever, is not my idea of sensible. I'm nothing if not sensible. I like to
think things through, if I can. Consequently, life-changing permanence is not one of my
strong suits. Hell, that's why I don’t have any tattoos. I can't stand the
thought of doing something on a whim, reconsidering and possibly regretting it
for the rest of my life. I could probably replace the word
"tattoos" with
"children" but I
think I'll decide motherhood is right for me...eventually. For an always see both sides of
an issue personality like mine, the
thought of regrettably irreversible permanence is absolute torture to me. Today's bold attempt at emotional advancement didn't really
begin today, it's been coming for a few days now. I knew I needed to be
inspired to
make myself feel better. So my quest began. I looked for inspiration everywhere. I bought a bunch of CDs
with interesting cover art, just to listen to music I'd never heard before.
I started reading and watching
things I probably wouldn't have read or watched last year. I searched in my closet. I
rummaged through old mail. I observed fellow drivers. I gazed at pedestrians. I
surveyed my yard. I watched the weather. I inspected my food...all for the sake
of creative inspiration. ° For me, a suitable muse can be
found just about anywhere if I allow myself to see it. Last night I laid in bed, staring
blankly at my ceiling while half listening to a beauty pageant reality show on
television. The longer I laid there, the harder I listened to insipid drivel
about the importance of beauty pageants and the joy of winning trophies for your
looks and thought to myself; That's so
stupid! Then I thought; Well, just because
*I* consider it insipid
drivel, doesn’t make it insipid drivel. My life experience is my own and it's not my place to
judge a world completely foreign to me. Who the hell am I anyway? (See? That
always see both sides of
an issue personality at work
again.) After my beauty pageant
flip-flop, I went online to look up how beauty pageants are judged.
I then imagined myself in one and what I'd say when the host
asked me what I'd want the world to know about me. I'd say with great poise, in
a sparkling evening gown;
"I love musicals, the color green, skulls, ladybugs, sunsets, lazy Sundays, puppies, vampires and world peace. My inordinately large eyes and gums match my great vision and witty words. I can't snap my fingers on my left hand but I think left-handed people are really cool. One day, I plan to open a bakery and unite the world through delicious carb-free baked goods."
Random? Perhaps...but still uniquely me. I suffer from an unapologetically quirky randomness sometimes. I probably wouldn't choose "quirky randomness" as a personality trait if I were building "The Perfect Me" but I'm learning to love myself, warts and all. After imagining my Miss America speech and researching beauty pageants' history online last night, I started feeling better. I then got on MSNBC.com and read about a frightfully lazy British guy that was fined and barred from driving for six months for walking his dog while he drove in his car. This guy was reported to police by a cyclist that saw him holding his dog's leash through his car window as he slowly drove alongside his happily trotting pup. I laughed so hard I almost peed my panties. After days of feeling sorry for myself, it was nice to be uncontrollably tickled by something so sublimely ridiculous. It was, dare I say, inspiring♥. What wasn't so funny, is that the exact same guy was involved in an attempted murder case just last year. Talk about random! It turns out the case was dismissed because of police misconduct. Um, huh? After all that searching for a creative muse and expressive outlet, who knew I could get inspired by the murderously slothful? The world is an unapologetically quirky and random place, that's why I'm so convinced that I fit right in. Seriously, I can't think of anything more inspiring than that.
"I love musicals, the color green, skulls, ladybugs, sunsets, lazy Sundays, puppies, vampires and world peace. My inordinately large eyes and gums match my great vision and witty words. I can't snap my fingers on my left hand but I think left-handed people are really cool. One day, I plan to open a bakery and unite the world through delicious carb-free baked goods."
Random? Perhaps...but still uniquely me. I suffer from an unapologetically quirky randomness sometimes. I probably wouldn't choose "quirky randomness" as a personality trait if I were building "The Perfect Me" but I'm learning to love myself, warts and all. After imagining my Miss America speech and researching beauty pageants' history online last night, I started feeling better. I then got on MSNBC.com and read about a frightfully lazy British guy that was fined and barred from driving for six months for walking his dog while he drove in his car. This guy was reported to police by a cyclist that saw him holding his dog's leash through his car window as he slowly drove alongside his happily trotting pup. I laughed so hard I almost peed my panties. After days of feeling sorry for myself, it was nice to be uncontrollably tickled by something so sublimely ridiculous. It was, dare I say, inspiring♥. What wasn't so funny, is that the exact same guy was involved in an attempted murder case just last year. Talk about random! It turns out the case was dismissed because of police misconduct. Um, huh? After all that searching for a creative muse and expressive outlet, who knew I could get inspired by the murderously slothful? The world is an unapologetically quirky and random place, that's why I'm so convinced that I fit right in. Seriously, I can't think of anything more inspiring than that.
Muse (noun)
Pronunciation: ..myΓΌz..
1 Capitalized : Any of the nine sister goddesses in Greek mythology presiding over the creative arts and sciences. Responsible for poetry, history, tragedy, song, dance, comedy and astronomy.
2 A source of inspiration; especially : a guiding genius (love the "genius" part ♥)
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