This Too Shall Pass

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Originally posted on 2/25/2010


Current mood:  morose
Category: Life

I should have titled this "The Obligatory Serious Entry Part II". I'm not having a great day today, so I'll try to make this short. I'm just about at the end of my rope, really. My resolve has been tested more than once during the last few weeks (and months) and I can't say I've been 100% proud of all of my responses to it.  But hey, I am who I am and I do what I do. I have my moments but I'm mostly about being good and fair and one can hardly ask for more than that. Today was an extremely emotionally torturous day.  Before the troops arrived at work, I had more than one spell of laying my head on my desk and crying my eyes out. I feel like a pathetic whiner and I absolutely hate those kind of people!  The Depression Demons are doing a serious tap dance on my psyche and I'm not quite sure how long I can hold them off. I want to hysterically cry and curl up in the fetal position in a corner somewhere but I don't think that look suits me. The peculiar thing is that there are far more good, actually great, things happening in my life than bad. I guess when you feel bad, you seem to only focus on the bad stuff. Isn't that silly?  Most times I try to be really strong, even when I don't really feel that way deep down. Being "tough" isn't easy at all. My internal military voice keeps repeating the same phrases in my brain ; "Suck it up Buttercup!" or "Stop being such a fuckin girl, you idiot!" or "You want fries to go with that Bitchin'?!"  I feel very weak and emotionally vulnerable right now and it makes me so mad at myself that I want to spit...or hit. Of course the challenge will be not spreading this nastiness to those innocent souls around me. After all, it's not their fault I'm feeling how I'm feeling. However, there will be those adversely effected by my morose mood.  I have proof as such. Just yesterday out of nowhere, I get an iPhone e-mail from The Ex Who Wouldn't Die. (I mean "die" figuratively folks. Relax.) I didn't even recognize the e-mail address. It wasn't until I was about to hit "send" for my one-sentence reply e-mail of "Who are you?" that I saw his name populate in the "To" field. I'm thinking to myself; Him AGAIN?!  But I didn't reply. I had no intention of replying. I don't even believe he expected me to reply. As a matter of fact, this is an excerpt of his message;

...Can u do me a favor?resend the pics we took the other
nite on vals day, pls. I know u dnt speak with me anymore...
 

Ooookay, so if you know I don't speak to you anymore, why are you contacting me?!  (As an aside, he means Valentine's Day♥, last year...if that gives you an idea of the true time lapse here.) After a bad night, wrought with nightmares and a mood to match, I didn't have any pity left for him. Instead of mercifully ignoring him like usual, I reply with a snippy e-mail reading, "You're not in a position to ask any favors of me. Never were." While that's nowhere NEAR as ugly as I've been to him (not even in the same universe), that reply was solely based on my bad mood today.  Then again, aiming a little anger at him always seems to make me feel better. I try not to engage in unprovoked attacks on people but if you provoke me, Lord have mercy on your sweet soul. Anyway, moods are as infectious as any disease, so I'll do my best to catch a good one.  I can do it. I know I can. This is just one of life's little speed bumps.  It's not about what's thrown at you, but how you handle it. Like all bad things This too shall pass. Writing definitely helps. «» I know it may seem stupid to put myself on blast like this but if it helps me, it may help someone else. And even if I'm not feeling so great, deep down, I'd still want to help someone else if I could...if it's not around the time of Aunt Flo's visit that is.  It's therapeutic for me to blog when I'm happy, sad or mad. You might be surprised by some of the e-mails I get from people telling me they appreciate my candor here or that they're going through something similar or just that it's good to know they're not alone.  And not just one type of person either, I'm talking all kinds of people, at different stages in life, in different parts of the world.  That kinda makes it all worth it, ya know? It actually feels really good.  Helping somebody just by being myself? You can't get an easier gig than that. I just wish I could get paid to do that!  Is that bad?  Spreading contentment is nice and all but making money doing it, would be better. I know contentment is contagious and money isn't everything but I wouldn't mind catching a raging case of incurable "wealth" right about now.
 $ It sure couldn't hurt. $