Originally posted on 2/25/2010
Current mood: morose
Category: Life
I should have
titled this "The Obligatory Serious Entry Part II". I'm not having a
great day today, so I'll try to make this short.
I'm just about
at the end of my rope, really. My resolve has been tested more than once during
the last few weeks (and months) and I can't say I've been 100% proud of
all of my responses to it. But hey, I am
who I am and I do what I do. I have my moments but I'm mostly
about being good and fair and one can hardly ask for more than that. Today was an
extremely emotionally torturous day. Before the troops arrived at work, I had more than one spell
of laying my head on my desk and crying my eyes out. I feel like a pathetic whiner and I absolutely
hate those kind of people! The Depression Demons are doing a serious tap dance
on my psyche and I'm not quite sure how long I can hold them off. I want to
hysterically cry and curl up in the fetal position in a corner somewhere but I
don't think that look suits me. The peculiar thing is that there are far more good, actually
great, things happening in my life than bad. I guess when you feel bad, you seem to only focus on the
bad stuff. Isn't that silly? Most times I
try to be really strong, even when I don't really feel that way deep down. Being
"tough" isn't easy at all. My internal military voice keeps repeating the
same phrases in my brain ; "Suck it up Buttercup!" or "Stop being
such a fuckin girl, you idiot!" or "You want fries to go with that
Bitchin'?!" I feel very
weak and emotionally vulnerable right now and it makes me so mad at myself that
I want to spit...or hit. Of course the challenge will be not spreading this nastiness
to those innocent souls around me. After all, it's not their fault I'm feeling
how I'm feeling. However, there will be those adversely effected by my
morose mood. I have proof as such. Just yesterday out of nowhere, I get an iPhone e-mail from
The Ex Who Wouldn't Die. (I mean
"die" figuratively folks. Relax.)
I didn't even
recognize the e-mail address. It wasn't until I was about to hit "send" for my
one-sentence reply e-mail of "Who are you?" that I saw his name
populate in the "To" field. I'm thinking to myself; Him AGAIN?! But I didn't reply. I had no intention of replying. I don't
even believe he expected me to reply. As a matter of fact, this is an
excerpt of his message;
...Can u do me a favor?resend the pics we took the other
nite on vals day, pls. I know u dnt speak with me anymore...
...Can u do me a favor?resend the pics we took the other
nite on vals day, pls. I know u dnt speak with me anymore...
Ooookay, so if
you know I don't speak to you anymore, why are you contacting me?! (As an aside, he means Valentine's
Day♥, last
year...if that gives you an idea of the true time lapse
here.) After a bad night, wrought with nightmares and a mood to
match, I didn't have any pity left for him. Instead of mercifully ignoring him
like usual, I reply with a snippy e-mail reading, "You're not in a position to ask any favors of me. Never
were." While that's nowhere NEAR as ugly as I've been to him
(not even in the
same universe), that reply was
solely based on my bad mood today. Then again,
aiming a little anger at him always seems to make me feel better. I try not to
engage in unprovoked attacks on people but if you provoke me, Lord have mercy on
your sweet soul. Anyway, moods
are as infectious as any disease, so I'll do my best to catch a
good one. I can do it. I know I can. This is just one of life's little
speed bumps. It's not about what's thrown at you, but how you
handle it. Like all bad things This too shall pass. Writing
definitely helps. «» I know it may
seem stupid to put myself on blast like this but if it helps me, it may help
someone else. And even if I'm not feeling so great, deep down, I'd still want to
help someone else if I could...if it's not around the time of Aunt Flo's visit that is. It's
therapeutic for me to blog when I'm happy, sad or mad. You might be surprised by some of the e-mails I get from
people telling me they appreciate my candor here or that they're going through
something similar or just that it's good to know they're not alone. And not just one type of person either, I'm talking all
kinds of people, at different stages in life, in different parts of the world.
That kinda makes it all worth it, ya know? It actually feels
really good. Helping
somebody just by being myself? You can't get an easier gig than that. I just
wish I could get paid to do that! Is that bad? Spreading contentment is nice and all but making money doing
it, would be better. I know
contentment is contagious and money isn't everything but I wouldn't mind
catching a raging case of incurable "wealth" right about
now.
$ It sure couldn't hurt. $
$ It sure couldn't hurt. $
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