Originally posted on Wed 12/3/2008, 5:11 AM
Current mood: fascinated
Category: Life
Aside from the
stress put on the top button of all my pants, Thanksgiving was pretty
stress-free and low key. Sis really did everything, so I could concentrate on
truly important things, like seeing how many plate-fulls I could polish off
before bedtime. 😋 In other news,
my big left toe seems to be healing nicely without the care of a podiatrist,
fortunately. To my horror however, it appears that I have in fact developed a
penchant for mutilating myself, despite the premature conclusion of my last
entry. I injured my right eyeball after a violently itchy-eye allergy attack
right before bed early last week. (Of which I didn't recall until
several days after the redness in that eye wouldn't go away.) The
redness was so prominent (and seemingly permanent) that I went to an Urgent Care
doctor last Wednesday to make sure I hadn't caused irreversible damage. 👁️ They did the
whole examination where they numb your eye, squirt glow-in-the dark dye in it
and look at it through special glasses in order to see tiny tears or cuts in
your cornea. Fortunately, the diagnosis was positive; no scratches, abrasions or
permanent damage-just profound redness and severe inflammation. They gave me a
prescription for antibiotic eye drops and sent me on my way. My eye is still a
little red but much better than it was before. Thankfully, my
ghoulish appearance didn't keep me from cramming party fun into every
conceivable time slot last week & weekend. Saturday was especially
fun-filled after old college friends made an unexpected appearance at my
favorite nightspot. That night, I decided to give up my usual overdone nightlife
"glamour" in favor of modest clothing & my nerdy specs to cut down on the
eye strain and hopefully, promote healing. 🩹 As if I hadn't
already handicapped myself enough, today I'd discovered numerous, bleeding skin
breaks on my knuckles from relentless hand-washing. I admit, I am a chronic hand-washer
and that, mixed with the cold weather, isn't a good combination. I didn't think
I had lotion sufficient enough for the damage I'd caused from my repeated
hand-washing, so I coated my knuckles with Carmex, which provided surprising
relief. I kept forgetting about my Carmex-coated knuckles and that resulted in
several incidents of "greasy chin or cheek"
every time I'd absent-mindedly rest my face on my knuckles throughout the day.
It wasn't
until today that I started to put all these recent self-inflicted injuries
together and wonder if there wasn't a bigger issue that needed addressing. What
if all these subconscious or "altered state"
self-mutilating episodes are manifestations of deeply disturbing emotional pain
I'm afraid to confront? 😬 In dissecting
my recent actions for an answer, I noticed that as innocent, friendly fun seems
to continually rise to epic proportions, my "love" life seems to be plummeting
to the depths of despair. I just can't
seem to get a strong foot-hold on the romantic side of life. 💔 I feel inexplicably
foggy whenever I begin to contemplate what my next romantic move should be. As a
matter of fact, I'm having difficulty focusing on day-to-day tasks because of
it. In addition to those romantic relationship low points, I feel another
"hermit" stage emerging. I don't really feel like talking to or even looking at
anyone at the moment, which is a significant challenge since I have to go to
work everyday. I've managed pretty well so far but truthfully, I just want to
left alone with my thoughts as I wade my way through my murky emotions.
It's
mind-boggling when you consider how high one aspect of
your life can be and how low another can be
simultaneously. But
nobody's immune from emotional challenges right? When life hands you lemons,
make lemonade right? Tomorrow is another day, right? Eww..yuck, I feel the vomit
collecting in the back of my throat as I recite the sickeningly sweet
recipes for a happy
life. Fact is, if everything was always happy, life would be one
long snore fest. 😪 Frequently,
it's the bad or challenging experiences that make us who we are. It is in those
'bad' times that we show what we're really made of. The delicate
balance comes in when you temper those times with
patience and care, so that you don't become a cynical old fart hating the world
and all who inhabit it. 😠 Man, I sure
hope I remember that the next time someone really pisses me off, tests me or
makes me sad. I wonder what
cutting off my toenail, bursting blood vessels in my eyeball and OCD
hand-washing that leads to bleeding tears on my knuckles have to teach me? Life
is a bubbling cauldron of unexpected and interesting possibilities isn't it? I
can't wait to see what my next self-inflicted bloody injury will be. I bet
you're on the edge of your seat. I know I am.
Yeah, it's one thing to be cautiously
clean, quite another to be uncontrollably obsessive. I mean, I'll wash my hands
if someone looks at me too long. No matter how therapeutic, expensive or
“healing” a lotion is, it never seems to do the trick. I need a lotion with the
greasy properties of Vaseline or Crisco. But think about how annoying it would
be to work all day with greasy hands. That would be a whole new series of blogs
if I did that! Hahahaha
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