Originally posted on 11/16/2009
Just when I was
ready to give The Ex mad credit for staying away, he shows up Saturday
night, so did the dumb chicken-head¹ b*tch² I mentioned in the
Update section of my previous entry. As confirmed Saturday night, I know her, not by name but I
speak to her every time I see her. Moreover, from what I knew of her
(apparently-not much), I really liked her. I think she may have figured out who
I am and how far off the mark she was about me [and him]. She avoided eye
contact with me the whole night, which was good because she was one eye-roll
away from getting smooth cussed out by me. Not because of
him directly, but because I was so disgusted by her being so petty and immature.
You know how supremely Pro-Woman I am but some "women" need to be a lot smarter,
have a little pride and a modicum of self-worth. She's over 35 years old and a
mother, which made my impression of her plummet to record low levels after her
stupid stunt (and after I figured out who she was). Even at
*MY* craziest, and I've been plenty crazy in very young
womanhood, I never
understood how women could go after "The Other Woman" to stake their claim on a
man that no one but them actually wants. Pitiful. Okay, back to The Ex. (Sorry for the unplanned diversion.)
To The Ex's credit, he had the good sense to stay away from
me but proceeded to talk Sis' ear off about the injustices of my not giving him
another chance. A good portion of the night was her in the lobby area,
discussing me, with him. She said she took great pleasure in telling him how bad
he messed up and he willfully admitted he had. (Not news.) She also said he
refused to come in [the club] because he knew I wouldn't talk to
him. He was right.
Even when leaving, he made sure Sis knew, that he would be going to his house,
by himself. O-kay. But his appearance brings up an interesting point and a VERY
unfamiliar feeling to me. For the first time in a long time, I'm a little
romantically lonely right now. Socially, I have all my 'ducks in a row' and
things continue to run as smooth as silk. On the other hand, I seem to be
missing something quite significant romantically. Honestly, it's a bit
humiliating to admit this to the entire Cyberworld but it's true, at least for now it is. As you know, I'm
committed to the truth here, even if it doesn't put in the most positive light.
Perhaps getting
it 'out there' will help change something within me because for me, loneliness
is an absolute and almost involuntary personal choice. Truth be told, I'm just a
little too stubborn to take the next obvious step. Also, it's been
a long time since I've felt this way, so it seems a little jarring right now.
The last time I felt this way, I committed myself to finding someone because
it was time and I found a suitable mate mere hours later. More than just
a suitable mate, a profound superior to the rest, a bona fide life partner.
Funny thing is,
I knew I would. When I made up my mind, I had absolutely no doubt I would
find someone...and I did just that. Right now though, I'm not quite as
confident. What happened to
the superiorly suitable mate? Short answer: Life. Although this
'bona fide life partner' is still around, it's in a more diminished
capacity, which is of little immediate use to me. And that's all I'm gonna say
about that. Uncharacteristically, I currently feel a little insecure and
weak, which is why I think The Ex is coming around again. He seems to
smell blood in the water so
he's positioning himself to strike at my weakest moment. That's how we
got back together (so to speak) before. Please understand, he's unlikely to have
that chance again but we were together almost a year (a lifetime to me) and I
wouldn't have stayed with anyone that long if I didn't share some subtle
psychological connection with them on some level. (That wasn't at all easy to
admit.) Aside from the underlying subtle psychological connection,
I'm also much smarter than before, so reconciliation with him seems like a
really dumb move on my part. My mind is periodically challenged at times but I'm
nowhere NEAR dumb, never have been. And there lies the paradox; Do I temporarily quell the
yearnings of a lonely heart or do I have confidence in The Best happening
because, well, it always seems to? The latter seems like the most promising
course of action for me, especially since I'm likely to feel the totally
opposite of how I do now as early as next week...or 2 hours from now.
Besides, if
psycho chicken-head bitches keep leaving stupid voicemails on my phone after
finding my name and number in "their man's" phone, I can enjoy solid
entertainment until Mr. Right makes his appearance known again. My appreciation
for the psycho chicken-head bitch grows with each word I type. Vive la psycho
chicken-head bitches!
¹ An extremely unintelligent person. An imbecile, fool, or moron. A disposable girl.
² Well, you know.
¹ An extremely unintelligent person. An imbecile, fool, or moron. A disposable girl.
² Well, you know.
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