Originally posted on 8/31/2009
Current mood: calm
Category: Life
Thanks to the
dutiful diligence of sis, momma and a handsome handyman named Hector, a few much
needed home repairs were finally completed this past weekend (Sunday). Coming
off of another rough week (emotionally speaking), it was nice to have two
working toilets again. It's the little things, ya know? Frankly, I was ready to move myself past some of the
debilitating hurt I'd been immersed in lately. Summers are usually great for me
but Summer 2009 yielded a few of the hardest-to-get-through weeks I'd
experienced in years. I'm not really a "crier" per say but I think I've cried
more recently, than I have in more than 10 years. The end of July was a horrendous emotional rollercoaster and
last week was yet another week dripping with solemn despair. This past Friday was probably the worst day of all. As I
went through my work e-mails to clean them out, almost immediately I see a
recent e-mail from my friend (in the previous blog entry) that I hadn't even responded to. Ironically, it was an
e-mail telling me he missed me the night before and he hoped that everything was
okay with me (it wasn't). The other tragically ironic twist is that the concern
he had for me was directly linked to the end of July horrendous emotional
rollercoaster weeks I just mentioned. Talk about irreparable irony. After
reading that e-mail from him, I cried so hard I gave myself a severe
headache. So Friday was
filled with more crying spells and woulda coulda shouldas. During my last crying spell (of many) that work day, my girl
Pam walked in and was stunned to see my bloodshot, tear-ridden swollen saucers
(some call eyes) and asked me what was wrong. (She knew him too.) I told her about the e-mail from him and
how I felt like I was being sucked back down another demoralizing drainpipe just
when I thought I was getting some of my 'zest for life' spirit back.
She did what she normally does when I'm feeling low. Her
beautiful benevolence was in full force. By the end of her visit, she had me
laughing so hard I almost peed on myself. Seriously, I was crossing my legs and
holding my crotch...not a pretty sight but a very welcome change of pace. It
wasn't until I was leaving my office and walking with her towards my car that
she had me look down at her feet. She didn't tell me why, she just calmly said,
"Look at this." She had gotten
up super early that morning to cook for a party at work and ended up putting on
two different shoes. She didn't even look down at them when she thought
something was wrong with her feet because they didn't "feel the same or feel
right", as she put it. She didn't even look down at her feet before she
called one of her friends and told her she was concerned that her feet were
messed up because one didn't feel like the other and she had no idea why.
Hilarious! Even more
peculiar than the shoe thing, was the fact that my mind was so preoccupied with
other things, that I didn't even notice at first...even when she instructed me
to look straight down at her feet. They were very clearly 2 different shoes but
she had to give me 'a nudge' first, before I even noticed. Right then, I
doubled over in laughter, took my purse camera out and shot video of her shoes,
which will probably become a segment in an upcoming ChaunyShort Production. The weekend was full of ups & downs but Pam definitely
set some good energy in motion at the start of it. I love her so much for that
(and countless other things too). She reminded me
that there are still good things going on all around me, if I'd just take the
time to really look...even if I need 'a little nudge' to see them at
first. As another good friend of mine always says, "That's some good
stuff." He's so right. I have two perfectly working toilets again and
benevolent beauty is being bestowed upon me in great abundance. I just have to
choose to see it. So on my drive to work this morning, I decided to forgive
myself. I really try to be the best person and friend I can be. With the best of
intentions, sometimes I fail (by my standards) and sometimes I succeed (by my
standards) but my heart is usually in the right place. I'm now getting my address book out and calling friends
I-hadn't-but-meant-to stay in touch with for a while. I'm not even
halfway through the list yet. So far, I've been welcomed back with understanding and love,
which almost makes it worse but I'm grateful. I'm not expecting that response
from everyone and that's fair too. I didn't intend
to hide in the shadows for so long, I just needed time to regenerate. While regenerating in my self-created cocoon of fear,
tumultuous emotions took over and terrible things happened...and I withdrew even
further. I'm slowly digging myself out though. It'll take a bit more
time but I'll definitely get there. Honestly, I've used most of my spare energy
for menial, everyday tasks you probably take for granted, like thinking straight
or walking in a straight line. And no, it isn't (100%) alcohol related. Thankfully, my own benevolent spirit is SLOWLY being
restored. I say "slowly" because I was so annoyed by the loud talking cell phone
guy this morning at work, I didn't even bother to remind him that he shouldn't
be using metal tongs to dig his bagels out of the still plugged in (and
toasting) toaster in the break room. He was okay when I left him carelessly prodding a plugged-in
appliance with a metal utensil while holding an instrument capable of emitting
static electricity to his ear. He's clearly
not the sharpest crayon in the box. I bet he smokes cigarettes while he pumps his gas and when
he lights his charcoal grill. If he hasn't
lived most of his life with singed eyebrows, it's most definitely due to God's
benevolence. † I don't recall
smelling any burnt skin today, so I'm sure he wasn't injured (seriously). At the
rate he's going, I'm sure an ER visit will happen soon enough for him. Oh well,
that's life I guess. I did mention my benevolent spirit is returning SLOWLY
right?
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