Originally posted 4/23/2009
Current mood: Evil
Category: Life
It
seems opportunities for self-improvement are plentiful these days. It wasn't
until after I'd seen a few of our weekend antics on video the other day, that I
realized just how mean I can be sometimes, for no reason at all. 😧 Sure,
alcohol aids in a loose tongue but that isn't my problem. I think I've been so
content with my life lately, that I'd gotten a little too comfortable, arrogant
and obnoxious. 😡 You
ever notice how sadistic some people get when things are going well for them? I
believe that type of poison was slowing seeping into my veins since I'd recently
and openly admitted that there were a few folks I know that I just plain
couldn't stand. 😤 After that, for some unknown reason, I then started to target poor, innocent and
unsuspecting victims. And frankly, I'm not sure how bad I would've gotten if I
hadn't seen the video of me acting like that either. That's an absolutely
horrifying thing to realize about yourself. 😫 No
matter how much I seem to not give a damn, the fact of the matter
is, I do. I care a great deal in fact. 😢 Ironically before going out that night, sis & I were patting ourselves on
the back only hours earlier for being blessed and living a charmed life because
(partly) of the positive energy we generate. 😘 Don't
misunderstand, bad things happen to good people that generate good energy all
the time. But sometimes, you have to admit that when you're mostly about being
good (to people and the world) The Universe sends you good things. I falter more
frequently than I care to admit but I sincerely try to be/stay positive. The
struggle of good and evil is always strong with me. Mentally, the tiny devil
perched on my shoulder often beats the bloody crap out of the tiny angel on my
other shoulder. 👿😇 I
sometimes have to fight very hard against my urges to become mean, negative and
poisonous. That inner mean chick sometimes comes out with little or no
provocation at all. At times in life, I'd felt almost like I was born The Demon
Seed and that I'm always fighting against my natural urge to be "bad." 😏 Deep down I know that isn't true but it's honestly how I feel sometimes. (My
mother would be absolutely horrified at that statement.) 😳 Now
back to my epiphany. As I started reviewing some of the video clips from last
Saturday, I found myself viewing the latter parts of the clips through my
fingers as I embarrassingly began to recall some of my mean and nasty behavior
that night. 😝 I
can just imagine the 'negative energy' fumes I was giving off Saturday night. I
envision huge plumes of toxic green smoke
wafting around me as cartoony skull & cross bones periodically come into
view. I was like the title character in Jim Croce's classic song Bad, Bad
Leroy Brown. That's not how I'd want to be perceived at all. ☠ I
initially told sis that I wouldn't post any of that video but then I decided to
make a cleaner, edited version of the clips and post it anyway. I edited out
over 30 minutes of 'unusable' verbal filth (by my standards), made a 'movie' and
titled Chicks
Behaving Badly.
That video would serve as an apologetic reminder of behavior I would not want to
repeat. I'll keep the un-posted, uncensored clips for myself and use them as
behavioral smelling salts when I feel myself going in a negative
direction again. 🤦🏾♀️This
is all about taking personal accountability for one's actions. And on that note,
I have to take most of the blame for that night, even where sis is concerned.
She does not agree but I know most of the blame is mine to own. See, I'm the big
sister and I sometimes encourage her to "cap" on people because she's so good at
it. Most times she'll cap on someone right to their face, and they'll (the
“capee”) will fall out into hysterical laughter (at themselves), myself
included. Yes, she's that good. But there were times that night
when the 'good natured razzing' took on a more ruthless and toxic tone. 💀 She
was really upset at herself when I reminded her of how we acted that night.
However, I told her that this was an opportunity to change something significant
that we didn't like about ourselves. Most un-evolved people can't or won't see
the negativity within themselves and vow to fix it. We are not rigid,
tunnel-visioned women hell-bent on doing things the same BAD way every time. We
are Renaissance Women, willing to improve ourselves with the times, need and
opportunity. 💋 I
feel that 'accepting ones shortcomings and SINCERELY looking to improve
them' is a God-given gift and I don't want to squander it. And even better
than that, I won't squander it. 😔 Instead,
I think I'll tell the tiny little angel perched on my shoulder to buy an AK-47
and take up shooting lessons. 🎯 Better safe than sorry.
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