Hot Tea & Turd Demons

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Originally posted on February 4, 2009 - Wednesday 

Current mood:  thirsty
Category: Life

Quelling my recent hot tea obsession has been nearly impossible, so I’ve decided to just roll with it. My body seems to be craving Green tea and Chamomile tea with equal vigor, so I’ve been drinking it nonstop. I've been averaging about five cups a day.  Since I can go years without so much as smelling hot tea, this inexplicable craving must be my body craving something it needs.  Luckily, there are many proven health benefits that accompany Green tea consumption specifically. It’s even seemed to help with some weight loss, I’ve gone from 2.5 bellies to 1.25 bellies. Unluckily, I find myself in the bathroom about five times more than usual. That wouldn't be too bad if I didn't also increase my chances of meeting up with my co-workers’ turd demons.  To date, since my hot tea addiction, I've met up with the infamous turd demons at least once a day. Today was one of the worst turd demon days.  My extended piss schedule seems to coincide with many women on my floor, so the chances of getting a neighbor-free stall drop dramatically.  On my third visit today, I'd gotten stuck next to a chick that was violently expelling her demons.  Thankfully, I didn't have to be there (too) long and she was kind enough to grace me with 2 courtesy flushes but they didn't help much. Tea consumption also makes you go longer than normal too, since caffeine is a diuretic and you already know what happens when you drink lots of water. That time, when I was no longer physically able to hold my breath, I just tried to get out of there as quickly as possible.  When you do that though, your wiping accuracy might not be as good as it would normally be. So today, I can't guarantee that I left the restroom that time with my underwear 100% urine free.  I suppose that’s a small price to pay for reducing my cancer risk by almost 60% and flooding my body with an infection-fighting, metabolism-charging, immune-boosting super elixir.  Now I know why God gave me two freakishly big eyes.  I have one to keep on the bottom line and another to see the big picture. Turd Demons be damned! I still don't know why he gave me freakishly big gums yet.  All in good time my sweet.