Originally posted 3/24/2009
Current mood: confused
Category: Romance and Relationships
The wonders
of life never cease to amaze. After hearing from a reliable source exactly two
weeks ago that a person I’d gone to high school with had just been diagnosed
with lymphoid and thyroid cancer, the limitations of my own mortality started to
really sink in. In addition
to finding out that this person had been diagnosed with cancer, I’d also heard
that they were expecting twins this summer. Man, that’s got to be an absolutely
petrifying place to be. While my deepest hope is that they’ll make a full
recovery, the harsh reality of the seriousness of that situation has to be an
unspeakably horrifying jolt to them. Even with accepting whatever the
consequences may be, to me, there seemed to be a ray of light in knowing that
this person would be carrying on their family bloodline. I started to think
about myself and my responsibility of carrying on my own family name.
In fact,
since hearing that news, I’d been thinking about children almost nonstop. I’d
even solicited the opinions of friends with kids, to see if they would do
anything differently if they could. And that’s not to say these people don’t
love their children immensely, I just wanted to hear from upfront and honest
young parents as I weighed in on my own doubts and fears.
Instinctively, I’d even reached out to an ex that didn’t have kids yet but I
knew wanted them (relatively soon). I straight-up asked him out-of-the-blue,
what kind of kids he thought we’d have. He told me he thought they’d be
intelligent, attractive and that we’d be very proud of them. Honestly, I
agree with him but I wasn’t sure it was wise to reopen that can of worms with
him. This past Saturday was another deep thought day. I’d
uncharacteristically overslept and almost spent Saturday night within the four
walls of my own house but ended up going out anyway. It was an exhilarating
experience having fun, being free and enjoying life to an extreme degree.
After our
recent ‘parenthood discussions’, the ex unexpectedly and suspiciously showed up
at my regular nightspot late that Saturday night. However, I
spoke to him only briefly, electing instead to back off of any heavy talks with
him for a bit and concentrate my energies on the here and now. I’d
actually spent Saturday and Sunday night in the company of great friends but
late Sunday night, I relapsed and got frightened again. After
returning home from Karaoke Sunday, I returned one of his messages to me and met
up with him in an effort to see if I still felt anything for him or if I was
just taking a (seemingly) safer route out of fear. I thought I owed it to
myself to explore all possibilities with regard to impending parenthood.
Frankly, we had a perfectly lovely night reminiscing and catching
up. I had no
real regrets about sharing my more intimate thoughts and feelings with him that
night. I still don’t. But even then, I knew pretty early on that we’d never work
out together as lovers or parents. As we wrapped up our visit and began to part
ways, he brought up the kid situation again and I (badly) acted like I didn’t
know what he was talking about. He
responds, “Don’t you
remember? You asked me about us having kids together and how I thought they
would be?”
I reply to
him, trying to seem casual, that I slightly recalled but I still wasn’t sure if
that’s something I wanted to explore right now. And in
actuality, that’s the God’s honest truth. Along with my gut instinct to slow
my roll with the ex, I get even more encouragement astrologically. One of my
love horoscopes for today read, “Don't be
surprised if an ex starts sniffing around, wanting to get back together. You've
been down this road before, more than once and with the same result. If you want
to listen to all the new arguments, go ahead -- but it's all the same old, same
old. Just you watch.”
As if on
cosmic cue, another one of my love horoscopes for today read,
“When it's
time to call off a fling, it's time to call it off -- no use in delaying the
inevitable. The longer you let the discomfort and weirdness simmer, the more
difficult it'll be to live with your conscience -- not to mention the hurt
feelings on behalf of the other person.”
So with the
astounding astrological accuracy of what I’m currently experiencing, my next
move with him seems uncomfortably clear. As far as
the motherhood thing goes, my instincts are telling me let things unfold
naturally at the same time as they’re telling me act on the information I’ve
recently gathered. Which is ridiculously confusing! Parenthood
is incredibly frightening to me because I can’t go back and suffocating
permanence is one of my hugest phobias. It always
amazes me that women (especially) can abruptly choose motherhood and trap some
unsuspecting, uncommitted (to them) sucker into making it happen. I’m just
not built that way. Plus, contracting an STD that antibiotics can’t cure, is my
second hugest phobia. Aside from
my famous fickleness, I guess the choice to make motherhood a reality for me
will also come when I stop uniformly seeing penises as poisoned-tipped spears.
Unless I
miss my guess, I think deadly dick is much harder to
recover from than morose motherhood. You can go ahead and quote me on
that.
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