Originally posted on August 30, 2010
Current mood: strong
Category: Life
I had both the misfortune and good fortune of being by myself for most of the workday yesterday. Some people can only enjoy things if someone else joins them (in some capacity) but I'm not really like that. The fascinatingly random thought process that has plagued me since childhood, has also almost guaranteed that I'll never be truly 'bored' with or by myself. It's true that I need constant, or at least regular, mental & creative stimulation to stay engaged but I'm more than capable of providing that for myself. I'm a pretty self-contained chick, in fact, I ADORE my own company......most times. I'd say I'm a strange combination of "people person" and "rehabilitory recluse". (I know that’s not a "real" word by the way) Socially (most times), I like being a part of a small group of trusted associates but that's definitely NOT a constant state of being for me. To remain (seemingly) sane and normal to the naked eye, I have to have periodic spells of total seclusion. I have to be alone with my thoughts in order to recharge and center myself every now and then. I guess that would qualify me as being a TRUE Social Butterfly since I need to cocoon myself with solitary protection in order to come out afterwards, and beautify the world in my own creative way. However, there are times that being alone with my thoughts have an unhealthy effect because they sometimes turn dark and run amuck. When that happens, I do my best to pull myself out of my self-created doldrums. I sometimes joke with folks by calling myself a "super hero" but in my mind, I kinda am. What I mean is, sometimes when illogical internal fear starts to take hold of me, I believe I can get through it by mere mental determination and NOTHING else. Achieving success or conquering fear by sheer mental determination alone, is a superpower of sorts. It's not that I'm not scared of things, I'm scared of quite a few things but I try to let those things ~motivate~ me to go forth and conquer. For example, I don't particuliarly like being in front of crowds but I karaoke and volunteer to speak to groups when I start feeling unreasonably insecure about myself. Frankly, it doesn't always work but thankfully, a lot of times it does. Well, the success rate is about 50/50 since I'm a descent speaker but a lousy singer. I think my problem now is that I have so many open-ended/unresolved situations up in the air, it's hard for me to focus on the things I can truly improve upon, in essence, those things within my personal power. ♥♥ I want a good life, filled with happiness. I'm not always going to be able to make that happen, no matter how much I claim "super hero" status. - Despite how my superior, immortal mental mirage of myself sounds, its less of a psychotic break from reality and more of a psychological coping mechanism to deal with reality. Perhaps my issue isn't psychological at all but hormonal. Between the females at home and the females at work, my body seems to contend mercilessly with a never-ending game of Period ° Ping ° Pong. As you know, The Menstrual Monsters amplify negativity tenfold (and I'm low-balling here). I don't know, I guess I'm doing the best I can given the circumstances, which is better than a lot of folks. I know I've got cracks like everyone else. I know I need to pray more and react less. I know I've a whole heap of work to do on myself and most of all, I know I'm working on it; little by little, step by step. All in all, today is a good day because I know that my unforgiving dark thoughts can't quell my quirky quest for contentment. ♥ Wherever my journey leads me, even through the prickly path of confusion and the unapologetic thorns of ambiguity, I know I'll retire to a life filled with joyful satisfaction. I truly believe that. I don't have all the answers and it's doubtful I ever will. You know, there's a strange comfort in admitting that. To me, it means my confusion and uncertainty are valid emotions. Basically, I'm justifiably effed-up and nothing soothes sorted emotions more than knowing you're okay, when you're not "okay". I just need to go through it, no matter what "it" is. Listen (or read), I hate posting entries with no concrete resolutions more than you hate reading them. As with most things in life, "the answers" aren't always as easy to find as the questions. A journey, a path plagued with questions. There's almost always a journey, right? Unless I miss my guess, the true answers can't be found without the journey anyway. ♥♥♥ Man, I sure hope my path is paved with deliciously sweet carb-free doughnuts. Ice cold lactose-free milk would be nice too. As you can see, I'm extraordinarily easy to please. How many of the superheroes you know (personally) can say that? Oh yeah, I forgot, I'm the only one you know.
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