"That One"

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Originally posted on October 21, 2010 – Thursday

Current mood:  indescribable
Category: Romance and Relationships

There will be no literarily witty repartee' for this entry. The time has come for another round of tackling, no, MANAGING my messy emotions. A lot of things have happened since I last wrote; good, bad, exciting and disastrous. In recent years, I've wholeheartedly recommitted myself to handling my own inner turmoil without exacerbating the empathetic ear of my family and friends. Yes, if I need them, they're there for me as I am for them but getting myself through my own issues makes me feel stronger and better about myself, especially when I succeed. With the mixed bag of things going on in my life right now, I'd have to say my affective life has been the most challenging. At the risk of losing some cool points, assuming I even had any, I'm gonna admit that I'm a little lovesick right now. Not that I haven't dipped my toe in the relationship waters here & there recently but at the moment, there is one particular person I'd probably throw everyone else over for, of whom I lovingly refer to as "that one". (Isn't that a sweet nickname? ) My logical side tells me that feeling that way isn't a good place to be emotionally, not for me or my potential beloved. It's like going to Vegas and putting up the deed to your home on a sucker's bet when you know you only brought Monopoly money. Life has its share of comedic ironies doesn't it? You're 'happily' bobbing along by yourself or with a beau/beauette. Then out of the blue, that long lost love makes an unannounced visit that completely disrupts the relationship roll you were on with someone or the glorious feeling of being ecstatically single. It doesn't seem wise to abandon a potential romance or blissful bachelorettedom for a relationship that had already failed miserably. Still, that inexplicably passionate pull toward "that one" is almost too powerful for me to ignore at times. Does that make me a sissified sucker? Man, I sure hope not. Like Ford trucks, I fancy myself too Texas Tough for that. My ample build even bears a striking resemblance to a Ford F150 King Cab, maybe even a bus...the short one of course. 

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I think the only thing that's saved me from making a complete fool of myself over "that one", is the fact that I haven't acted on these underlying impulses. I keep telling myself to ignore what I know isn't good for me and be positive about the good things still to come.  Actually, I'd been chugging along pretty good until I ran across "that one" again in a most surprising and unexpected way. (My lips are sealed on how or where. ) When it happened, not very long ago at all, I went through that day and the next few weeks in a dizzying fog that sometimes had me forget simple things like my Facebook password.  And let's face it, life shuts down for me without Facebook. (MySpace, you'll always be my first, true social networking love. Remember that. ) My brain just suddenly deactivated itself from reality. Not good dude, not good at all. It was a real shame too because I'd been doing so good. And to think, "that one" was almost completely removed from my romantic recollection. Daaaang.  Why couldn't they just have stayed away until their seemingly ever-present passionate presence within me faded?  Is that too much to ask? More importantly, why did I let their sudden resurgence effect me so significantly? I can't even explain why my attachment to "that one" is so strong. On paper, "that one" isn't "all that". I have no idea why I'm so enamored and you know I'd certainly spill the beans here if I knew. The wonders of the heart never cease to amaze, especially mine. So I guess my choices are simple; ¹ Stay locked in a fog like a lovesick teenager on acid or ² I convince myself of the truth, which is we always unrealistically idealize the "mysterious" ones. ♥ Spending an extended amount of quality time with "that one", whoever they happen to be, would most certainly lead to profound disappointment. I think that might be true in my case anyway. Frankly, I'm not usually so taken aback by someone, not for more than 2 weeks and rarely in a continuous block exceeding 48 hours. Even so, "that one" kept popping in and out of my brain since the day we met. And stranger still, I don't even feel that "that one" is "THE one" but I still can't help myself sometimes. Does that even make sense? Yeah I know, it doesn't to me either. Oh well, it's my puzzle to solve, no one else's.  

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Ya know what else? I think I should've written this a long time ago because the more I write, the less I long for "that one".  Though I doubt anybody I've ever dated even reads this, I'd still been so afraid of embarrassing myself, that I kept suppressing powerful emotions that really needed expressing.   Paragraph 3, and I already feel different. Imagine that, a few short keystrokes later and the fantasy lover of my dreams looks more like that pesky whitehead bump that keeps popping up in the same spot. You can cover it up with glitter but it's still just a shiny pimple. Say what you want about my flip-flopping but my famed fickleness has saved me from making yet another lopsided "love" decision. I know, I'm always all over the place.  I'm gonna nickname myself Chunky Chick's Wild Ride and Roadside Freak Show.  If I market myself just right, I could be a bigger attraction than Cirque du Soleil, without the cool costumes, mesmerizing acrobatics or talent. My draw would be the random thoughts and emotions expressed by the 21st Century female nut job.  I'd even throw in some quirky-colored cotton candy and a couple of corny rides too. If you could see inside my head, you'd be truly amazed...or thoroughly frightened. Either way, it won't be a boring journey. I'm a mystery to no one more than I am to myself. Someday the world may find me as fascinating as I find myself and I sure hope they're willing to pay too. I've already got a plot of land picked out for Chunky Chick's Wild Ride and Roadside Freak Show and it ain't cheap. Don't worry though, the parking will be free.  

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°Okay, I'm still a Cirque du Soleil Junkie: