Originally posted on 7/11/2010
Category: Life
O
Mighty Zipper, why art thou mock me so? Unlike my burgeoning waistline, this entry will be relatively undersized. (Comparatively
speaking). See, I've paid a hefty
price for my indulgent insolence. 😔 After only a week off my "dietary lifestyle
change", I'm practically back to having to zip my pants by lying on my back
in bed and pulling with all my might. I've incurred many costly nail repairs while engaging in such
activities. It took several weeks to get to a size I was
marginally comfortable with, and one measly week to plummet back into
plumpness. WTF?! It
hardly seems fair but then again, what in this world truly is? Make no mistake
though; The
Battle of the Bulge
will
ultimately be won by me because I'm no quitter ...unless
you ask me to exercise.
Even
after a low-key birthday and a full week's vacation, I still feel too exhausted to
retain even the most remedial of thoughts. I think the sedentary lifestyle I so readily accepted during
my week off slowed my heart rate and metabolism to shockingly slow pace. 🐌 Thankfully, both seem to have been somewhat restored
& revved-up this morning. I decided to go
hard
with
my recommitment to my "dietary lifestyle change" and it seems to be
working, my embarrassingly loud stomach growls this morning confirm it.
Mild
relief only came from drinking copious amounts of coffee ☕ (sweetened
with Splenda™) and imagining my "happy place"
(complete
with delicious carb-free treats as far as the eye could see). Even
my incessant OCD hand-washing at work wasn't a diversion from my inner
toil. Someone
left a Marble
Cream Bundt
cake
and a knife in the break room at work to further my tale of woe. Do I
end my suffering by using the knife to cut myself a big honking piece of cake or
by committing Harry Carey in the break room? 🗡
I'm
almost too ashamed to admit it, but my insatiable desire for constant snacking had
momentarily transformed into a ferocious aggression I only suffer from once a
month.🩸At one particularly low point, I would've kicked an
old lady in the back of the head for a box of cookies. Perhaps it wasn't actually cookies that fed this violent
notion and veracious hunger. Perhaps
it was a combination of hunger, hormones and hedonism that fueled my foul mood.
I
knew then, meat and an endless supply lettuce
just
wasn't gonna cut it. 🍗🥬🥩 Much like my romantic and social life, I need variety to
stay engaged. So I supplemented my delicious, homemade chicken skewers
(made by Momma) with
spicy cheeses, aged salami, balsamic vinegar grilled mushrooms and kalamata
olives from the cafeteria at work. 🤤 Oh yeah......now I got this mutha fucka on lock. 🔒
But
maybe, just maybe, the carb-free lifestyle just isn't my cup of tea. 🙅🏾♀️ Maybe I should just squash this whole "dietary lifestyle change" notion
and resign myself to the fact that I'm a naturally big-boned
chick that deserves to eat whatever the hell I want. Besides, I'm a trendsetter, a bona fide original, so I'm
fully capable of making "fat"
"fashionable". 🔥 Not 'fashionable' like the infamous BBW Big
is Beautiful
mantra
introduced in the 80s. Or even the clever urban alliteration; PHAT
(Pretty,
Hot And
Tempting
for the urbanly-challenged). I
mean REALLY fashionable, like having a tiny, clothed pet Chihuahua you
carry in your purse or going to rehab or adopting
kids from another country. I've got "it", so I'm confident I can pull this off.👍🏾 I'll make the "baby-less belly bump" the new
"black" and send all the skinny bitches clamoring for their next high
fat, calorie-filled meal. Yeah baby, watch me jiggle on down the road of
righteousness. ✊🏽
Whichever
way of life I choose, I won't let anyone or anything deter me from my
goal. 😠 There
is no problem too complicated for me to solve. There
is no solution to elusive for me to find.
There is no obstacle too big for me to climb my chunky cheeks over...even if I
sweat like a pig and pass out a few times as struggle to drag my heavy azz over
it. I
will laugh in the face of adversity. Better
yet, I will fart in
the face of foolishness, defecate on
the head of defiance and urinate in
the eye of injustice. 💛💦 Whether
by body fat or body waste, I will conquer my demons
(both
real & imagined) and
claim VICTORY as
my hard-earned reward. Mark
my words! But
maybe remove the words "fart", "defecate" & "urinate". 🤦🏾♀️
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