Originally posted on 7/26/2010
Current mood: confused
Category: Romance and Relationships
With embarrassingly astonishing blog predictability, I go from silly to serious in a flash of a keystroke. There's so much going on with me right now that I hardly know where to begin. There are mini-meltdowns, bouncing baby news, Ex Factor fever, deep & abiding love and sadistically seething hate. I've used so much energy living through it all, I don't have the energy to write about it too. That being written, I'll reserve the right to write about some of those 'rollercoaster' experiences in greater detail at another time. Sorry, that's the best I can do right now.
I believe I'm due for some routine mental maintenance. I think my personal life needs some attention; a little sprucing up...a little Spring-cleaning...or a major plastic surgery overhaul. My mind and heart are racing in so many different directions, I can't make a single move in any one of them. At one point, early the other morning at work, I was caught by my supervisor somberly staring into space while at my desk. Concerned, she stopped and asked me if I was okay. I'm sure I looked completely catatonic. I frankly told her that I felt like I was suspended in space and I hadn't come down to earth just yet. I told her, quote; "I just feel rattled and mentally jacked-up right now." She sympathetically responded that it was still early and that things would get better as the day went on. Thank goodness she was right. I was mere moments away from damaging my keyboard with my lobotomy-like vegetative drool.
Compounding my confusion delusion, is the ominous disorientation of ghosts of relationships past. Those I'd permanently parted with and let go of so long ago, were suddenly thought of again. I'd recently even seen someone I'd once had great affection for, still, I'd just rebounded from letting go of someone I'd once had great affection for. Thankfully, that "affection" feeling is transferrable but what's keeping me from transferring it to someone completely new? Why is my heart still stuck in the past while my head is telling me I need to concentrate on the here and now? Generally, my head and heart work in concert...sort of. What I mean is, I can usually form a decision, conclusion or choice by taking a piece of middle ground from my extremely emotional side and a piece of middle ground from my extremely logical side and mixing them together. Presto! However, when I feel like I do now, I have no idea where the beginning, middle or ending ground even is. It’s like having permanent beer goggle contacts surgically implanted over my corneas. Now I have an even greater reason to hate beer.
Sometimes I look at relationships that last for years (even weeks/ months) and wonder how in the world they do it. I think to myself, 'They're STILL together?! Well, how about that!'. But I also wonder how not to let moodiness, need for space/ independence and the general ‘unpleasantries’ of life obliterate a romantic relationship. I'd never understood it...still don't. The thought of feeling stable, secure, loving and loved in one continuous block longer than 3 weeks is as perplexing to me as popcorn-flavored candy. (Don't wince, I've had some before. ) It is the advanced-level Paradoxical L♥ve Puzzle I've never been able to solve, maybe I never will. Oh well, that's just my worldly weight to bear. I just wish I wasn't bearing it around my waist.
While I see lots of 'successful' relationships that I sincerely marvel at, there isn't one relationship that I've EVER seen (make-believe or real life), that I'd *personally* want for myself, except maybe my grandparents. It's not even so much that I want what my grandparents had, it's more like I *want* to want what they had. A successful relationship for me, would include edgy banter, passionate gazes, a dry sense of humor, space when I'm mad , concern when I'm sad and a witty life outlook that's refreshing and ever-changing. Where do I find that? Even if I had it, how long would I have or even want it? Actually, I'd probably just settle for a longish relationship with someone I adore 80% of the time, maybe even 62% of the time. Let's face it, I'm just not a Storybook Romance♥ kind of chick. When it comes to romance, I'm more of a Plausible Percentages% kind of chick. Passion based on percentages isn’t sexy but it’s got bite. You’ve seen my pictures, you know how much I adore my overBITE.
To me, "true" love is a deep and abiding love that never gets lost or old, especially in the most trying of times. A "true" love is a love in which compassion outweighs passion when it’s necessary. A "true" love is a love that stands the test of time in the most difficult of circumstances. Am I right or am I totally missing the mark about that? Who knows!?!? Frankly, I’m not making any predictions about myself because I simply don’t know what will happen or who/what I'll even want in the future. I'm just considering the possibilities. Shit, I'm even a little pumped about the possibilities. So I suppose the moral of the story is You never know, so just keep on pedaling through. I just need to refrain from comparing my romances to those in storybooks since mine usually end with hurt feelings, stitches, weapons and police intervention. Okay, I'm exaggerating a little about that, but not by much. Point is, wait...what's the point again? Hell, I don't remember. I won't worry about it, I'll just let The Universe work out the details. Besides, I have an appointment to get these stitches removed. Let's just say my "Happy ♥ Endings" sometime require medical attention too. Okay I'm kidding about that too. My robust sense of humor is a defensive mechanism that doubles as a coping mechanism. Hey, if I can't laugh at myself, someone else may do it for me and they might just tell me how ridiculous my OVERbite really is.
No comments:
Post a Comment