Originally posted 4/16/2009
My
relentless restlessness continues. So much so that it seems to be taking a
physical toll on me. I've been feeling more tired than usual and have had a few
minor facial stress breakouts from baseless worry. 😰 Worry about what you
ask? Everything and nothing. Heck, I have no idea!😵 I'm just generally
'unsettled' and I'm not sure what to do about it. Little things are frustrating
me more than usual and I don't have a clue why. And no, it isn't period
related!😠 If that pitiful state of being isn't enough, I seem to be all
mixed up about how I feel about people and things in general too. With the
exception of my trusted, tried and true homies, I almost dislike folks and
things I liked just days ago. And vice versa .⇄ For instance, I never
really got the whole "Neo Soul" thing until recently. Before, I liked a little
of it but not enough to fill a thimble. Frankly, I personally found most of it
almost as irritating as gum-popping or fingernails on a chalkboard. 😝 However
lately, I've been listening to one of my DJ Frances Jaye Neo Soul Cafe "Soul
Sessions" mix cds almost nonstop. It's been extremely calming. That music is
almost exclusively the reason I've remained sane at work.😟 You may think
I'm over exaggerating but I actually credit the smooth stylings of that music to
not going ham on anyone lately. Well that music, plus Journey and Gorillaz
music too (you have to 'mix it up' sometimes). 🎵 I'm hoping this internal
awkwardness will pass soon but if it doesn't, so be it.😐 I guess I just need
to go wherever my feelings take me. I'm hoping it's nothing more serious than a
necessary emotional molting period. It's like that ugly scab over the
healing skin underneath, that you're tempted to pick off. In essence; just
another life growing pain.😶 The strange thing is, I'm not feeling
distinct pain, hate or hurt...it's that annoying and ambiguous "gray"
area that no earth words can accurately describe. 👽 I'll call it 'quiet
chaotic confusion'. 💢 So, with almost no warning at all, I'm lost
again. I find myself in the same precarious position I consistently seem to be
in. I'm almost jealous of people that feel something distinct and
recognizable-be it happiness, hurt or pain......okay, maybe not
'hurt' or 'pain' but you get the idea. 😑 My famous patience is being
stretched thinner than a crack-addicted anorexic on a 10-year water diet. I want
a diagnosis IMMEDIATELY! I want a cure NOW! I want some answers YESTERDAY! I
want to be regular. I want to be simple. I want to be uncomplicated and easy to
understand. I want to be normal for a little while, maybe just a day or two.
(Maybe a week or two) 📆 Right now, right this very moment, I have no form
at all. I'm the emotional equivalent of a transparent slimy, snotty glob of
I dunno what. (Boy, that's an appetizing visual!) But you know
what I mean; I'm here but with no real shape, form or function. 💫 Oh well. 😌.........Okay, okay, I'm back. (I think) I'm just feeling a little
out of sorts, it'll pass like always. Besides, there are far worse problems to
have right now and I'm grateful that I'm not dealing with anything too dire. If
this is the worst problem I've got right now, then I've got no real problems.
I'll stop bitching, even though I'm so good at it. Whining is for weenies and I'm
no weenie! 😤 So while I mentally sort all this out, I'll just sit here
contently being thankful for all I have, finish my deliciously smoky
steroid-huge bacon-wrapped Pappasitos shrimp and shut my big fat gobbin’ pie
hole. Everything's better with shrimp, even my current indescribably
emotional/emotionless snot-like existence.
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