I was one sentence into writing a few days ago but life happened and I abandoned the whole endeavor. 💻 💨 It occurred to me today first; How much better my life is now and second; I’m still just one bad decision away from devastating self-sabotage and total life annihilation. 💣 The days, weeks and months had been going rather well. So well in fact, I got a call from the city and state of an old EX (whom I ADORED) and I couldn’t wait to tell him how much my life had mentally and psychologically advanced since the years we’d been together. 👫 I was working, so I didn’t answer right away and right before I did, the ringing stopped. Perhaps he changed his mind. Perhaps he lost his nerve and decided he wasn’t ready to talk to me just yet and hung up without leaving a message. No problem, another glorious day perhaps. 👍 The day, and life in general, had been rolling along pretty well. Then after my shift, I got outside to see that the tire I’d professionally had fixed TWICE in the last month was completely on flat (again). The problem is not with the tire itself, by the way. No worries, I have this bomb azz air compressor, I’ll just put in some air, get to my meeting a few minutes late. No big deal. 👍
Then, as I screwed the “the bomb azz” compressor into my tire valve, a small piece popped off. A piece I neither knew where it came from, what it was or how to repair it. Uh oh. Not good but not terminal. I called Sis, told her I’d need some assistance and waited for her to make her glorious appearance with my sweet baby, Parker Pickle. 👶 I didn’t even care that one of my co-workers pretended not to see me (even though I know she knows my car) and walked right behind my temporarily disabled vehicle. Although she HATES when I ignore her, I surmised that maybe she had something pressing to do and thought I needed a ride or something. I’ll pay that situation dust, and move on my merry way. 👌 Sis arrives with my beautiful baby boy slumbering in the back seat. The air compressor from her truck worked beautifully. I got into her cool, air conditioned truck and I listened to her tell me about her new mother friends and all the adorable things my Parker Pickle did today. 👶 I’m proud but a little sad that I couldn’t be a part of it. Oh well, everything’s still okay. 👍 Wait! Oh no, it’s already almost eight and it’s clear I won’t get to see some of my newfound, family-like friends tonight. Okay, God willing, there’s always tomorrow. After forgetting how to “doctor” my eyebrows with my measly purse make-up (since I’d been home with the baby since birth), I figured I’d have another chance to do it right tomorrow, or at least to do my brows well enough to NOT look like the black female Groucho Marx. 😟 That works for me. 👍
Then, as I see my beautiful new tire almost at its optimum air pressure, a wave of depression hit me in the back of the head like a maliciously thrown baseball by A-Rod, on steroids. ⚾ Yep, not dire but not nothing. Out of nowhere, I feel the desire to burst into tears rising from my gut to my cartoonishly large eyes. 👀 I get back in the truck with Sis and the baby and tell her that I just got totally blindsided by a bout of depression I didn’t see coming. 😱 She looks concerned as she listens and subsequently counsels me. She’s right with what she’s telling me but my mind and body are not responding. 😐 I get through those few frightful moments and decide that I’ll get another brand new bomb azz air compressor for my truck and call it a night. After waiting in the parking lot for the totally able-bodied grocery shopper walking slowly and diagonally across the parking spot I’m waiting for, I FINALLY park and see a lady unloading her cart and about to leave the cart, right in front of my truck. 🚙 The cart collector is right on the other side of my truck, literally. I open my door but do not move as I peer at her from inside my truck, visually daring her to leave that cart there, almost touching my truck. Apparently, “the look” worked and she ended up returning the cart to it’s rightful spot. Calamity averted. No need to release The Kraken before even making it into the store after all. 😌
I meet up with Sis, collect the beautiful baby from her truck, pick-up a prescription and head toward the tire section. I can’t find the compressors anywhere but I look at the beautiful baby and keep my composure for a few more seconds. 😠 I ask a distracted store worker where the air compressors are and she directs me to section directly from where the displayed tires are. Her exact words, while she listens to music through her earbuds, “Right on the other side of those tires”. Makes sense. I look down the next two aisles about four times and cannot find them. 🔎 My blood begins to boil but I’m with my sleeping baby, so I can control myself for a few moments more. 👶💤 After the fourth time looking in the general section she directed me to, I see that she is nowhere to be found AND the air compressors were nowhere near where she said they were. She may have sensed my close proximity to a total psychotic break and got the hell out of Dodge. 💨 She made a very wise choice. A wise choice indeed. I get to the section, see that the air compressor that I’d read countless reviews on, was completely sold out. This isn’t good for my psyche. 👎 I feel my desire to avoid jail time for simple assault get smaller and smaller. I don’t have the patience or temperament to deal with any of this right now. 😑 I meet up with Sis who’s in another section of the store and tell her I need to bounce. I told her that I need to get home before something really bad happens, something that will likely have consequences I will not want to deal with when I’m feeling sane again. 💀 She understands. She then collects the baby, consolidates our carts and tells me they’ll be home soon. I tell her to take her time because I knew deep down, I need a few minutes alone to allow myself to get a good solitary cry in before we could be a happy family again. 👪
I walked toward the store exit, mustering every bit of physical will in me to not cry before I make it to my truck. I made it into my truck and then directly into the door of my house before I let it rip. 😭 After addiction detox, residential treatment and almost a year and half of therapy and beautifully sober recovery, I see that I’m still remarkably flawed and fragile. The difference today is, I have tools to combat those demons of dark dimensions. 👿 Sometimes it takes sitting on your hands, literally or figuratively, to just get through it. Well, I naturally have to “ figuratively” sit on my hands otherwise, I couldn’t blog. 💻 Fact is, I have an awesome support system and a to-die-for sponsor/ sober sister and life coach to get me through those trying times. However, I see now that there is still a place in my life for frank and honest blog purging. 😌💻😌 I already feel remarkably better than when I began typing this and isn’t that what it’s all about anyway? I have a beautiful blessed life, filled to the brim with family and friends that would put any treatment center Dr. Phil could provide, to shame. (That was a joke-by the way.) 😛
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