Category : Goals, Plans, Hopes
Blog 14
Chauny's Baby Blues
A wave of paralyzing fear has just swept over me! 😱 I just finished reading a Dear Abby letter in which a woman, that never wanted children, found out she was pregnant (several months ago-the baby has now been born). Her husband, who's in the military, refused to sign adoption papers and is gone most of the time because of military assignments. She talks about how she knows it isn't 'the girl's fault' (she never uses the words 'my daughter') but she says she can't stand to be around 'the girl' and her hands are itching to shake the colicky girl until she shuts up (though she hasn't shaken her yet). 😬 She admits that her husband 'can't stand the girl either' but he refuses to let her be adopted. She says that as time goes on, she can't help feeling more and more resentment and anger toward 'the girl'. 😧 She even reveals that as time goes on, the girl starts to seem less like a little girl and more like a block of concrete attached to her feet! Wow, that's pretty powerful isn't it? Raw, honest, unapologetic and powerful, but for me, also PETRIFYING! 😲 As you may remember from an earlier blog, I've always thought I would make an excellent mother. Most times, I truly look forward to the moment(s) that I can be a mother. But then there are times, when fear of giving up all my freedom and living almost completely for this new human being that I'm responsible for is absolutely terrifying! I'm used to getting up and going without any explanation or permission. Traveling, spending the night wherever I please, no car seats or public bathrooms to contend with (unless I need to go) and just general freedom is almost too good to give up! There are times when I can't bear the thought of not passing on my big forehead, gums and eyes but then the fear of the unknown sweeps in and tempers those thoughts. 😣 You know, I don't even think if I were married for several years I would have the intestinal fortitude to plan a baby and I'm much too responsible to rely on a baby blooper, as an 'unintentional' excuse for motherhood. The constant push-and-pull of what direction I should take in this matter sometimes becomes overwhelming. I don't know what to do or when to do it. I don't know if I'm being smart or just overly cautious. I can't think clearly when it comes to this issue, I see now that I've never been able to. There have been thoughts of just going ahead and doing it (just jumping in with both feet) but then the realization of not ever being able to 'take it back' starts to haunt me. Life-changing Permanence has never been easy for me, that's one of the reasons I've never gotten a tattoo! In more personal matters, I waited well into my 20s before even deciding to 'do the do 'cause I knew it would only be that one time and I didn't want to waste it on some unappreciative jerk (which fortunately, I didn't-whew)! And to my women out there (I'm just gonna say this); no matter what her relationship situation is, if a woman is smart, she should plan for the baby as though she had no partner. 🤰🏾Because as 'messed up ‘as it would be, a man could always just leave and start many other families with many other women but you'd most-likely be left responsible for the child you and he made together. I don't just mean financially either, I mean just giving up all your freedom. And before you start on me, I know that there are some men out there that are the primary caretakers of their children, but let's face it, that's not a regular occurrence. Women are almost always the primary caretakers. Frankly, (sometimes) I think that if I were to separate from the father of my child/ children, I'd rather be the one writing the check every month, so I could keep some measure of freedom. Listen people, let me stop here because I could go on and on about this issue. I'll spare you my inane baby ramblings and instead, offer any relatively attractive, somewhat tall, disease/ drug free men out there an open opportunity to fertilize my eggs before I come to my senses.....Oops, too late...never mind, I just changed my mind (again)! 👶🏾
Posted : 2006-08-25 07:41:00 AM Created : 2006-08-25 09:28:00 AM Visible to : Public
Blog ID : 159918292
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