Originally posted on 7/7/2009
Current mood: bitchy
Category: Parties and Nightlife
After celebrating
another glorious year of life with my family and friends last Wednesday, I have
to say I'm feeling pretty good. Let me rephrase that, I'm feeling pretty good
about most things. 😐 This year, I wanted a quiet birthday celebration. 🤫 I didn't want to be responsible for hosting anything or
looking after anybody. I wanted to relax with a few good friends. Still, sis
♥lovingly♥ took upon herself to secretly go in my
phone 📱 and invite some folks I hadn't really wanted or planned to
see. 😯 Apparently, they
felt the exact same way about me because the "iffy invitees" did
not show up thankfully. I actually wanted to see all of the people
that showed up that night. Another disaster averted. 😒 I can't say it's all been peaches and cream though. My
contemplative cocoon behavior has "transformed" into sharp-tongued
bitchy behavior (at times). For that reason, I'd been bluntly saying exactly
what was on my mind with no real consideration for how the receivee may have
felt. That's really not normal for me but I can't claim it isn't
natural either. 😔 After all, these feelings come from within me, so it's part
of who I am too. (Unfortunately) I could feel it happening to me but made no
real effort to stop it. I knew that what I was feeling was VERY dark and ominous
but even the ugly sides of us need expressing too. 😤 It is my theory that those that don't purge
the poison periodically, become serial murderers or social deviants but I
have no clinical evidence to support that claim. 💼 Those I care for were warned to give me lots of personal
space, which they happily did. Thankfully it's gotten a bit better but it's not
gone quite yet. It was never as bad as it was the Sunday before my birthday. I'd
gone to Karaoke Sunday with every intention of having a good time. I didn't know
until I got there that MY good time, would include bitchy, brash and boorish
behavior that I would NOT want to be known for. If someone was in my way, I
didn't politely say "excuse me"
as I normally would, I simply barked "move!" I was especially mean to this one poor
guy, who I later included in a video from that night. He was one of those
overly-confident/arrogant buttheads that have to be the center of
everything. 🤩 I can't stand those
kind of people when I'm in a good mood either. He'd be doing his stupid
pop-locking right in front of my table, which resulted in me NOT being able make
fun of the people on the dance floor...how dare he! Not good dude. 😑 I sensed he wanted to say something to me earlier but I
wasn't wearing my friendly face that night. (I'd seen him there many times).
When he finally started talking to me, I put my hand in front of my face (palm
out) and abruptly told him, "Don't talk to
me." 🤐 To make sure he heard me, I actually repeated that
twice...loudly. He looks down at the ground with that fake, sad puppy face. 🥺 I knew he wasn't all that broken up about it but it couldn't
have felt good since I'd never talked to the guy before in my life. That time, I
was so mean that I felt a little bad immediately afterward. (It usually takes a
day or two.) In fact, I was happy that sis seemed to miss my whole cold-hearted,
almost unprovoked attack on him. (He wouldn't sit down and stay
outta my way.) Later on, I alluded to sis that I might have been a bit mean to
him earlier in the night. I even tried to repeat what I said to him in a way
that didn't seem as cruel as it was. Then she confesses to me, "Actually, I saw that. I was so shame for him that I had to
look away." So that was my humiliatingly awkward 'call to be kinder'
order, right? Heck no, it might have even gotten worse! 😳 When I go out, I like to have a small stack of napkins on my
table to periodically fix my make-up or wipe my inordinately greasy face as the
night wears on. 💄 I walk to the bar
myself to get these ChaunyBaby make-up aides. When a stranger takes it upon
himself (it's always men) to grab one off of my table without asking, it
absolutely infuriates me. 🤬 That same night,
this other butthead guy picks up one of my coveted paper napkins and THEN after
looking at my face, asks, "Is it okay if I take
one of these?" A normal person would probably just look pissed but
say, "Go ahead." 🤨 Not me though. My reply to him was, "Since you've already got your grubby hands on it, go
ahead and take it!" He looked shocked but walked away without calling
me a bitch or something equally nasty, which was a miracle because he had some
prominent thuggish 'qualities'. 💯 People spoke to me that night and I just ignored them. I
even ignored some people that went so far as to tap me on the shoulder. 😖 No acknowledgment from me whatsoever, unless it was mean. I
even saw one of my exes playing pool in the back, next to the ladies' restroom.
I'd already been warned that he and his favorite flunky were back there but that
didn't phase me one bit. On my next restroom visit, I passed by him without one
friendly glance his way. When I left the restroom, he called out my name and
said "Hi!" As I kept walking, I
turned and looked him dead in the face, turned right back around and kept
walking without making one verbal acknowledgment to him. 😶 I could hear him
laughing behind me, which was no doubt a nervous reaction to my nonverbal
diss. 😏 Unlike the other
recipients of my meanness that night, I still don't feel bad about treating the
ex that way. (He deserved it). Interestingly, I could feel myself becoming that
way and I tried to resist the urge at times but I just couldn't commit all the
way. I just got progressively worse. I have no idea where all that hatefulness
came from but I didn't do much to calm the seas. I wanted to be that way.
I wanted to feel that way. I wanted to be left alone that night. 😞 Despite how I'm probably making this sound, I had tons of fun
and laughed many times that night, but only when dealing with my closest
companions. When intruders tried to invade on Karaoke Sunday, I attacked with
venomous vigor but by Birthday Wednesday, I was in a much better state of mind.
I enjoyed my somewhat quiet birthday celebration very much, much more
than I ever thought I would. I'm not much for surprises but sincerely enjoying
that night, was the best surprise of all. 🤯 I still don't really want to be around a lot of people
since polite conversation sounds like verbal white noise to me. To me, small
talk is the exact equivalent of a steady stream of oral diarrhea. When people
talk to me, they sound like Charlie Brown's teacher 'WoompWoompWoomp' (or however you'd spell it).
I also know that dealing with me at times is not for the faint of heart. 😲 People that care about me, take the good with the bad and
pray that the good shows itself more than the bad does. 🙏🏾 (Most times it
does.) Most 'regular' folks won't understand that (or me), nor could they. Hey,
that's life and bitchy behavior is sometimes part of it. 😕 Ya know, I never quite understood how women could call
themselves 'bitches' as if it were a glowing term of power and respect. 🤦🏾♀️ I feel the direct
opposite about that vile word. To me, the word 'bitch' is derogatory,
insulting and obscenely offensive. On the other hand, I know that
I'd recently displayed those very characteristics, plus a few more. So with that
in mind, I suppose the term 'bitch' does have it's place in the English
language after all, as awful as it may be. When you think about it, the word
'bitch' is a whole bunch of nasty and negative adjectives rolled up in one,
little five-letter word, that's a definite positive. (+) Lord knows I could sure stand to be a lot
less wordy, as this entry clearly demonstrates. 👩🏾💻 I probably could've written this in one paragraph five
sentences long. Oh shit, I can't lie, WORDY CHICKS ROCK! As long as the wordy
chick is me♥. (Next scene: "the bitch" suddenly reappears).
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