I'm not sure whether I'm still being possessed by my internal "Queen of Mean" or if I'm just being brutally REAL right now. My patience has been through several weeks of hard labor.
Yesterday was the pinnacle of absurdly irritating events that began very early in the morning and continued on through late last night. 'What the fuck is going on?!' I thought to myself. Are The Cosmos paying me back for some evil deed I perpetrated against some poor, undeserving innocent? Is Karma biting me back in my chunky chocolate azz because of the juicy chunk I took out of somebody else’s'? Am I being punished for one of my monthly rants as a Brutal Bitchzilla? I just don't know. Everyone has their breaking point and mine is on a sliding scale, depending on my mood. Needless to say my mood is a bit fragile right now. My fuse is short and my patience is on a long vacation. So it appears my self-proclaimed superpowers do not make me immune to such senseless irritations. Fortunately, since every superhero needs a uniform, that last part also means I'll never have to squeeze myself into that green spandex superhero uniform I envisioned for myself. Yikes! Yeah folks, not a good look. Not a good look at all. I'm usually very sensitive to the way I express myself when there's the possibility of hurt feelings (mine or theirs). Unfortunately however, this is one of those times I'm not likely to take the diplomatic approach to delivering a direct message. I'll bluntly tell you exactly what I think; good, bad, ugly or indifferent. Come to think of it, maybe that's why so many annoying things are happening to me now. Maybe I need to get my sensitive back. I don't know and frankly, I don't give a damn. Still, I really don't want to be specific about what the grassroot issues are (at this moment in time). + Exposing the culprits would be crass and tacky and my "crass and tacky" days are every other day. (Not today.) Anyway, sometimes I think it's better to leave emotionally complicated situations tucked away in a box somewhere outta the way until you're fully equipped to deal with them. I'm clearly NOT equipped right now. When you feel abandoned by friends, tested by family and disappointed by society, I believe it's okay to say to yourself; "You know what? I just don't give a fuck." and mean it. I guess I'm not 100% there yet but I'm close enough to smell its tart breath. Frankly, I'm at a place right now where I'm NOT going to make an effort to reach out to someone that doesn't return the favor. I'm NOT going to play 20 questions to pull out of someone what I did or didn't do to make them act peculiar. Look, you go your way and I'll go mine because I don't have time for silly games. Next! (Can't you tell I've simply HAD IT with some folks?) Done! Peace! Moving on...
I think I need to find something to do that works some of the brain cells I haven't used in a while. I might even need to find another hobby besides just blogging. Don't get me wrong, blogging has saved my life but it's not enough anymore. I need a few more healthy outlets since beating up people isn't legal. I used to draw and sew all the time and I was pretty good at it too. In fact, I used to make a new nightclub outfit every week in my early clubbing years. I even made hats and jewelry just for the hell of it. And I know you're hearing this from me but my stuff was super fly or at least as unique as I am. I was a well-adjusted, self-taught CreAtivE eXpressioNist. I was gleefully happy then and it really had nothing to do with anyone else (until it did, long story). I was just doing me and it felt great. As a milestone birthday fast approaches, I'm going to dedicate myself to being that way again, only older, wiser and better. I see now I'm going to have to leave some things/people behind to gain greater happiness. I'm okay with that. Stagnant negativity has no permanent place in my life but it's been one helluva stubborn as shit squatter. Well, I think I've effectively and (somewhat) positively changed direction with a few long keystrokes. Time to dust off my drawing pencils, pad and sewing machine to make myself (creatively) happy again. Now whether making myself "creatively" happy involves stabbing somebody with my drawing pencils (9B Graphite), slapping them in the face with my drawing pad (11x14) or beating them over the head with my sewing machine (16 lbs), I can't say yet but I'm hoping to keep the law relatively uninvolved if I can.
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